My Heart Feels Empty

I have this nagging, pestering desire.

Write. Just write.

And yet...

what?

This post may come out a little rough. I'm not even sure where I'm headed with all this.

I just have this compulsion within me to hash it out by feeling the keys of the computer move beneath my fingers. I certainly can't hash it out on my own piano. There isn't one. And so graciously, God has given me these keys to feel move beneath my fingers.

They kind of work. They don't make music. Well, not of the tonal kind, with up and down scales and the ability to resolve or build a well of emotion. But they certainly help me "see" my thoughts. Make sense of the muddled mess that is the wheels supposedly turning trying so hard to turn and work in my head.

Life has been rough in these parts.

This hermit is starting to feel the lonliness of moving to a completely, unknown city. One to be discovered yet one not really desired to be discovered. I prefer the comfort of knowing just a few miles. A corner.

Don't get me wrong. I like Houston. I like that there are so many parks and open fields here. I love that the zoo can always seem new just by watching the animals and seeing  the new babies that have been given life on its grounds. And I have met a handful of wonderful people who I would love to get to know better.

But I'm not in my niche.

And not being in my niche can give me a feeling of restlessness. Along with the feeling that my heart is not full. Which in turn finds me thinking I'm not grateful for all the wonderful blessings that I have.

Because though I am not wealthy by the mere numbers of our finances, I am so wealthy in many, countless other ways.

And yet the emptiness seems so overwhelming at this time. I'm sure it has to do with much going on behind that scenes to which I cannot disclose at this time. Will I ever be able to? I'm unsure. (Please understand I am not trying to hide behind a wall of fake pleasantries and "life is all roses".  However, because of the parties involved and decisions of authority over me I am unable to discuss them publicly at this time.)

The emptiness finds me wanting to give up. (I struggle with depression. I'm sure I always will.)

And yet, God is good.

Oh yes! HE. IS. GOOD!!!

He whispers to my seemingly empty heart, "I love you. Cease striving and know that I am God. Come to me. I know you are weary and heavy-laden. But take my yoke on you. I am gentle. I am humble in heart. My yoke is easy. My burden is light. You. are. not. alone! (Psalm 46:20, Matthew 11:28-30)."

Ahhhh.

Those words have become a healing salve I am continually applying to my hurting heart. Made me ever so grateful I began this year with a goal to memorize twenty-four scriptures with Beth Moore and all the other Siestas out there. I didn't know just what I would need those words for, but I knew that if I girded myself with them, they would come in handy. Even if life seemed to be all smooth sailing. (Ha! As if it is ever all smooth sailing. This broken world always has some kind of perceived hiccup waiting to greet you and me.)

Life has not been smooth sailing.

And those words, the ones that seemed slightly significant yet really just some great reminder of the God who cares for me have been whispered over. and over. and over again.

Sometimes in the midst of my begging God to just take me home. (Just being honest here. And if I'm really going to be honest, I find myself "seeing" the brokenness of our world and myself and everyone around me - redundant, but I don't care - on a daily basis which leaves me yearning for my true home and begging for it on a pretty consistent basis. Healthy? Maybe a little but truly something I have to keep in check because it can also steal the joy of knowing that He is weaving my story here as long as I have breath. Just sayin'.) Sometimes in the middle of gut wrenching tears over a plethora of situations. Sometimes in the midst of a hard mommy day where I feel ready to throw in the towel and sit and throw a tanrum with my daughter. (Adult like of me, I know.) Sometimes in the middle of a realization just how corrupt I can be and how much help I am in need of to even achieve possibly one good, compassionate, loving task in a day. (Oh the list could go on. Like I said, we're all broken.)

So my heart feels empty.

And yet, I am learning that empty can only mean one thing: if I let God do as He sees fit, He will fill it with that which can never tarnish or be taken from me. That which no detriment of this life or fleating pleasure can find a way to even somewhat cast shadow on.

And to that I say, may I not let the pain of this world hinder me from pursuing Him.

*This post was literally typed out and posted, aside from scanning to ensure proper grammar. And even that might have some errors. If it's rough, it's because it was for my own cathartic needs. I felt like sharing it with you, just as it came to me.*