My Sweet Hubby

With all the tears surrounding giving Louis away, I received a wonderful e-mail from his new family telling me how much he is fitting in and they love having him. Just moments after reading that, Ben and I were in the kitchen when he blurts, "...and you can't say you're not a good momma cuz you raised Louis and you did a great job with him."

I'm not sure where that came from, but it meant a lot to me. It helps remind me my part in Louis' little animal life was important and even if I don't understand why God would have allowed us to bring him in only to give him away the memories made are all worth it.

Sacrificial Love HURTS

Queue the tears please. LOTS and LOTS of them.

Now before I go into the meat of this post, let me start with a disclaimer:
       I am in no way saying giving away a dog is the same as a child. I'm certain it greatly pales in comparison. However, it is the closest analogy I have and somewhat fits. So with that being said here you have it.

The door swings WIDE open when we walk in. Louis' pillow is no longer there serving dual function: comfy rest spot for him, great door stop for the door. There is a huge empty space where his kennel was. The pantry is missing his 25 gallon food storage bin. His water and food bowl no longer reside next to the back door. Leaves are not trailed everywhere. I don't step on toys or hear squeaking. I don't hear claws in a bathtub. I don't have a tiny jingle reminding me I have a tiny shadow. In fact, there is no tiny shadow.

He is gone. Gone to a wonderful home with a wonderful family. Gone to 3 kids who absolutely love him and he absolutely loves (they e-mailed me video of his grand entrance Christmas day). Gone to a home where he will be played with until he's so tired he will go sleep on his bed (boy is that a miracle!). 

But boy does my heart hurt like it's been shattered to a million pieces, rolled over by a mac truck, and then had salt poured all over the innumberable amount of open wounds!

This has to be somewhat like giving a child up for adoption. I know in no shape or form does this truly match the severity of emotions a mother must go through when she decides to go through 10 months of pregnancy only to give up the child she cared for while it developed inside her. I'm doing just that right now and think I would literally die from the heart break. But I still feel the most ridiculous amount of pain I have ever felt by giving Louis away. Raising him over the past 7 months, pouring hours of time into training him, loving him, and caring for him formed such a close bond. There were definitely moments I wanted to kill the pup but all in all it was more love than hate, good than bad. Then to have to hand him over to someone else, even when you know it is in his best interest, is heart wrenching. It is so sacrificial it is almost undesirable. I say almost because the part of me that knew it was best brings me back to reality.

I would rather hide in a hole than love another animal or human being this much to give it away again. Right now I could curl up under the sheets and stay there for days in the dark. The pain of this loss is truly indescribable. I want to run so far away I am detached from anything to do with it. Yet, what is life without love? To not have the pain of losing a loved one means no close bonds, no memories with others, no one to share life with.

I now have a glimpse of how much God loves us. The pain of giving His only Son, whom He had been with before time because They are, for us, the lowly wretched sinners of this earth.  THAT is sacrificial love. Not that I didn't have an understanding of this prior to giving Louis away. It's just now I have had to experience it on a minute scale here. I have a tangible experience to help me see the "WOW" in His unfathomable love. If giving Louis away hurts this bad, how much more so did He feel in such a world-shattering sacrificial love?

*SIGH*

Alas, the bawling will commence. How long this must go on I am unsure of but I certainly hope it is not much longer. I'm not sure how much more of the pain I can take. Unfortunately, the only cure is time and only God knows how long it will be before the grief over the loss will have fully been done.

The Bittersweet Goodbye

I don't know if I can type this without crying.

Today, Louis will go to his new home. A home that will provide love and care for him. A home where he will be able to run his little heart out with three kids who will love on him and wear him out. A home where he will get to go outside in a backyard. A home that will provide exactly what he needs.

It hurts to realize I'm not able to give him all the attention he needs. To know Ben and I are unable to exercise him the way he needs. It's frustrating finding us in a place where we can't have him. I wanted so terribly for him to be Zoë's little buddy.

Ah...Love is painful. VERY painful. And yet without it, this world would be full of self-absorbed hermits who have no memories made because their is no one to make them with.

I will miss my little Louis! I will always treasure the memories of him in my heart. I wouldn't have traded these past 7 months with him for the world.

It's Coming Fast...

And part of me can't WAIT! That's right - I love my Louis but part of me is so ready for him to go to his new home. Between being completely exhausted when I arrive home at night and hating splittling my small amount of time with my husband with the dog (as the dog will not get out of our faces), it is safe to say I have come to the happy place of giving him away.

Do not be fooled! I have cried many a tear over finding a new home for Louis. Not to mention, the goodbye will likely be said with tears flowing down both cheeks. However, I know it is best for the dog and best for the sanity of myself and Ben and our relationship.

And thus, the happiness of knowing the right choice has been made, a new wonderful family awaits him, and Ben and I will have a few months of just us to focus on before Zoe arrives is extremely overwhelming right now. Thankfully so, as life has thrown one too many a curve ball here lately. Thank God for His unsurmountable joy given to us in those times of severe loss of human happiness. But it truly is nice to have something to be happy about. It is faint in my heavy heart, to which I will not expound, but ever still a shining light in the darkness.

Louis will be going to his new home on Christmas Eve. I cannot wait to see the video of the three kids who will be getting him for a Christmas surprise! We already know Louis loves their house as we took him over there to see what he thought. No problem there - ran around like he knew the place and even figured out in an hours time where the door to "outside" was. HA!

Ah Louis, I will miss you but I am ever so thankful you are going to a new home. A home to bestow your sweet, rambunctious personality on and be tuckered out by three kids vying for your attention. 

The Dog Who Wanted to Go to Work

Yes. My story today happened because I was feeling quite faint - a new normal in my pregnant life. Zoë's gift to me right now is low blood pressure. Along with that comes my body adjusting most mornings after having comfortably sleeping lying down the night before. Thank you Zoë for this new found gift (much much better than the alternative I must say)!

Anyway, I was getting ready to put my lunch in my lunch bag when I had to sit down. After waiting a while, I tried to move around to walk out the door and just didn't feel well enough to walk out there by myself. Ben, being the most wonderful husband there is (seriously! I am SO beyond blessed!), graciously obliged to help me to my car just to ensure I didn't pass out on the way. Thus, we walked out the door with Ben closing it behind us.

Just as we made it to my car, one of the residents here exclaims, "OH NO! Uh that's someone's dog!" Ben and I both look over to see the guy jumping away from Louis! Apparently, Ben didn't shut the door well enough to latch so it opened back up. Louis took that as an opportunity to run and find us.

As soon as we realized it was Louis, I called him over. He came with wagging tail and ready for me to pick him up. I immediately put him in my car because it seemed the only logical solution since my other hand was full and Ben had both hands full. As I put all my stuff on the seat, Louis stared out the window grinning like he was ready to come to work with me. Silly dog! He normally freaks when he sees the car (we're pretty sure he has car anxiety - he vomits just about every car ride we take) but showed no inkling of it this morning.

Boy am I going to miss that dog! At least we have good memories while he is here :) [For those who don't know, Ben and I decided it would be best to find a new home for him due to our crazy schedules, lack of time and attention able to give him, and impending baby coming home only to steal more time away from him. Unless something changes, God has provided a home through a great family from our church who will provide exactly what he needs and give him just as much if not more love than we do! He will be going home to them this Christmas.]

Exhausted just doesn't describe it...

...not to mention fail at the blog prompts :)

Sleeping these days seems to be a thing of the past. I guess it's prepping me for life with "Bean". I get some rest at night. A little here. A little there. Unfortunately though, nature calls many times a night and the wee hours of the morning frequently seem to have a staring contest with me (and shutting my eyes doesn't seem to help me lose :/).

On the positive note, Louis seems to be steadily growing out of his "puppiness" and hanging on the the concepts we're working on with him. We love the little dude and hopefully he will continue to become a well-behaved canine citizen. We unfortunately will look for a new home if he can't (come on Louis! We're rooting for you!). Sometimes I do find myself completely frustrated with him, but for now I'm trying to see that as God using it to mold me. It's very similar to child, in my opinion.

Well I'm gonna jet seeing as I'm nodding off as I type.

Toodles!

Loooong Day EQUALS Short Post

To summarize my day: I felt like a chicken with my head cut off.

ALL DAY.

No reprieve.

Needless to say I did not want to cook tonight, so I picked up some reliably cheap Taco Bell.

Now I am home, I am watching Louis romp around all while trying to keep it to a minimum since he was neutered last Friday. The vet told us to "keep activity to a minimum for 7-10 days". Then the tech walked out with my puppy wiggling himself into a frenzy. Ok. You keep him calm. Thankfully, all looks well and we have avoided the dreaded collar considering he actually does not tend to lick it (THANK YOU LORD!). Hoping continued success in this area.

He may be the deciding factor in when I go to bed. I feel like I could go now. I'm just not sure I trust my puppy will sleep now, thus I will not rest now. So, I might as well let him play some and rest up in the recliner.

Good night all!

Tired Tuesday

Literally.

I sat at my desk today and was jolted, what seems a gajillion times, as my head started nodding from dozing off in the middle of my work day. Fantastic! Just what I would want my boss to see me doing: sleeping at work!

I still feel that exhausted now, but I'm attempting to keep myself up just a bit longer so I can hopefully get some good rest tonight and hopefully avoid a 0130 wake up with no sleep after.

The part I'm currently thankful for, though: my puppy is teething and for whatever reason, it hit him hard this afternoon. He didn't want to step out of his den. He ate dinner only because I set it on the floor just to throw it up 5 minutes later because he really wasn't hungry nor did he chew with his sore gums :( However, I am thankful for this because it means he has been extremely low key this afternoon. I don't have to play with him. I don't have to attempt to get his energy out. He has none.

For once Louis is on the same page as me: after work comes sleep (or at least a lot of down time)!

Worn Out

I don't think there really are words for how tired I am right now. My week began and I thought it was almost the end. Then came Wednesday and I thought it was Friday, followed by Thursday and I thought it was Wednesday. That may help someone understand how long this week has been for me. My brain has been all over the place even though my job demands I write the date and know the day of the week constantly.

Then to come home to my wound up baby who has so much energy it can be 100% annoying at times. I've already told Ben there is no way I will work once we have human children. It is just physically impossible. Props to the moms who have to do it! I already know I won't be able to, unless I can completely control my schedule: aka teaching piano. I would rather be poor, than stress myself out to have "more money". Plus, to "have more money" means that the extra goes to day care or a sitter because I will not put that job on my mom. Plus, if it's this obvious in a dog what time away from mom and dad looks like, I don't even want to know how it would affect Ben and my kids.

It definitely affects my drive to come home and clean, cook, maintain, plan, grocery shop, etc. You name the household chore, it's almost always a guarantee I have no desire to complete it. I honestly would be just fine if I could live off of minimal food, no hygeine, go to work and come home to sleep. That is how worn I am. I don't think it really has to do with poor time management.

Organization and good management of what I've been given isn't the problem. I'm not staying up all hours of the night to achieve normal, every day tasks. I am definitely not having nightmares about a lack of time. Yet, I do constantly walk around wondering if I truly slept the night before or if my body just fooled me by wiping away the hours I was "sleeping" from my memory. To sleep well and know it the next day is a "once upon a dream" for me right now. I hope it decides to come back soon...

Overjoyed

My mind is completely absorbed with thoughts of Louis right now. I know it's not another 6 days until he arrives, but I can't quit thinking about him. Wondering if we have everything we need. Wondering how he will do flying to Baton Rouge. Wondering how he will do with training. Just a lot of what ifs I know I can't control but still wonder and ponder. Happy thoughts. Not much worry. Just thinking through the logistics (oh for the logical mind!).

3 Weeks and Counting...

That's right: the newest member of Ben and my family is due to arrive somewhere around May 17. I cannot wait for little Louis to get here. We already have his kennel set up, food and water bowl arranged complete with a mat, a few toys (which we will probably be buying a few more), and a pillow for him to lay on in our living area.

Louis Scy at 4 weeks

Our Little Louis

It is an understatement to say I am elated. Some say I am worse than an expecting mother. I honestly don't really care. You might think I'm crazy, but I just love animals and couldn't love my little buddy more :)