Pondering Birth

*NOTE: This post was supposed to be scheduled to publish on 2/4/14. Somehow, I messed up and must have only saved it, not published with a scheduled time. So, this was finished before Aubrey's birth, but not published until after :)*

What do you do when you're almost full term (and I mean the full 40 weeks) and you're restless?

I would guess there are a vast array of answers to that question as different as every woman who has ever been there. It also depends on whether or not you have loads of time to ponder in the middle of the night because you get up so much and it takes time to get comfortable and fall back asleep every time. (I like to hope this is preparing me for life with a newborn, but let's face it: life with a newborn is way more draining than having to wake up to use the bathroom 7 times in the middle of the night. You can almost stay asleep. Almost.)

Being I am one of the latter, I have had way too much time to ponder way too many thoughts. Some of them are great learning tools in trusting God's sovereignty over every. single. situation. Some of them have been great tools in building my confidence in choices Ben and I have made throughout this pregnancy different from the pregnancy with Zoë. Thankfully, either way, I have been learning from everything which happens to cross my mind at 2 in the morning, and other times throughout the day, and not found myself stressed out from thoughts which could completely overwhelm me.

One place my mind keeps going is our decision to have an unmedicated birth. If you have been following me for a while, you are probably familiar with Zoë's birth story. If not, then you know I had gone in hoping for an unmedicated birth, but looking back there was a lot I didn't do to prepare, I assumed my OB was on my side as far as letting my body do what it was designed to, and found myself thinking if I had it to do all over again, I would do it differently next time.

Don't get me wrong, Zoë's birth story is beautiful in that God graciously bestowed on me a healthy, vibrant baby girl. Yet, likely for many reasons though I've yet to fully explore every thought I've had about her birth, I was left wanting after her birth story. I have also had some issues from decisions made during her birth which possibly could have been completely avoided. I say possibly because even when you have an unmedicated birth there are chances some of my "problems" could occur. However, the percentage of said issues is much lower and I would rather know I did everything in my power to prevent them rather than wonder if I would have them had I let my body be.

I am also not one to tell everyone I think they're (fill in the blank) for choosing to have an epidural or whatever choices they decide to make with their birth experience(s). Yes, I have an opinion about unmedicated birth and why I personally believe it is best for both mother and baby, but I do not judge those who decide to make a different decision for themselves and their baby.

However, I do find myself wondering if I will really stick through an entire labor choosing to allow my body to do everything on it's own with no medicine for pain. I wonder if I will throw in the towel somewhere close to the end. There is still fear I may end up with a doctor or nurse who pushes pain medicines or runs to interventions. (Dear Lord, please let my OB be the one over my entire labor and birth!)

I have been asked so many times if I had had an unmedicated birth before. I have been thrown looks of "You're crazy!" or heard statements which were meant to be encouraging yet all I heard was "Yeah..you're likely going to want the epidural again."

It has been a rare instance to run into someone who has chosen unmedicated birth. (I have met several people who weren't planning on it but their labor was so short they didn't have a choice.) It has been an even more rare occurrence to meet someone who hasn't chosen the unmedicated route but who doesn't throw a stone at my decision. (And last I checked, you may think I'm crazy or simply differ in opinion, but when it comes to me, the only opinion that matters here is mine. <- Can you hear a bit of my frustration? haha.)

All of this just to say I often wonder what the final outcome of this will be. And honestly, I wonder how much I will care what really happens in the end because the closer little Aubrey's due date comes the more I just want to hold my rainbow baby in my arms. To hear "IT'S A GIRL!" and simultaneously find out she is healthy. To be able to say God has fully lavished blessing upon blessing in bestowing another life, this one living and breathing this side of Heaven, into my arms.