From Blank to Over-active

Not gonna lie. My mind has been a seemingly blank slate these past couple weeks. Blank as in I feel like I'm not thinking of much. And then...

BAM!

Out of no where I'm sad. I'm wishing I was pregnant. Wishing that I was needing to eat all the time to keep my blood sugar level and keep "morning" sickness at bay. Wishing that I was having to pull out all the maternity clothes I had and start looking for what I don't have and will need for this pregnancy. Wishing that I was starting to dream of names for baby #2.

And as hard as it is to remember, there are times I'm afraid I will forget. And I don't want to. Maybe because she (yes, yes, I know we didn't know the gender, but I can't give up the feminine pronouns. So "she" it will be) will forever be my second child. The next little life we are blessed with will be Daigle baby #3 to me. But then, I don't know the future.

What if we get pregnant so close to this loss that "baby #3" wouldn't exist were baby #2 to have? And what if #3 is carried full term? Would I still think of that child as number 3?

There are so many unanswered questions that at times it feels like I may never leave this phase of grief. This phase where I become angry over the loss and the seeming unfairness but then I sort of enter the bargaining phase where I ask a million "what ifs" and wonder about maybe a way I could have played the cards differently.

Ah.

Control.

It loves to stretch out it's hand toward me, begging me to take hold and promising that I will know what will happen. And then, if I really follow through and act like I have it, I later wake up to realize that it was all a dream. I was holding hands with thin air. An illusion.

An illusion I don't want to live in. An illusion that I start to grab for when my "0 to 90" mind begins wishing for things to have played out differently.

But He whispers to me, "Trust me."

And I grapple with thinking that maybe if I relinquish control I will regret it. But in the end, I regret it if I haven't listened.

"Trust Me. I can be your refuge. You can pour your heart out before Me. Trust Me."

And so I find myself back to repeating the verses you've seen spread out on here for a few weeks now. But at this time, here is what I keep hearing from them:

"Trust in Him at all times, O people;

Pour out your heart before Him;

God is a refuge for us."

Psalm 62:8 NASB

And am I ever thankful He has given these words to us. To me. For me in this time of need. This time of pain. And as unpleasant as it is, I told a friend the other day that as I've sat contemplating this part of my journey, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Why? Because you can't know love without pain, joy without sorrow, gratitude without suffering, blessing without loss. Though they don't all always cross paths, there isn't a true appreciation and understanding of one without the other at some point. It is part of an imperfect, broken world.

So I will trust. Trust that in the end this will mold me into more of His likeness and ultimately bring Him glory.