It's back...

...and I'm not so sure how I feel about it.

While I'm not complaining it's back, because it definitely is one of those "blessing in disguise" situations, I am praying against it helping in the undoing of my nerves. Which are worn thin from lack of sleep.

I'm aware those last two sentences seem like I'm complaining. I really am not. They are sheer fact in this household running on few hours of sleep. That is all. I promise.

And now I'm realizing I've left you in the dark.

What exactly is back? you ask.

Well, I did a small search of my blog and while I'm not sure I shared this craziness when Zoë was just a wee babe (my lordy I am no fan of how quickly she is growing! By no means is she passed the stage where I can call her a tot, but she really isn't much of a baby at all anymore. In fact, she adamently tells me she isn't one if I ask her "Are you my baby?"), I can asure you: we lived through it with Zoë and I'm reliving it with Aubrey:

phantom crying

And while I am ever grateful the true crying seems to be very minimal right now, starting because I think I hear Aubrey crying...man, that just undoes me. I'm not sure why.

Maybe because the phantom baby cries like something horrible is happening to it.

Maybe it's because the worry every mom has (yes, I'm about to vastly generalize but I'm pretty sure every mom has the worry I'm about to mention.) of whether her baby is really sleeping in their bed or something has gone horribly wrong is playing tricks on my mind.

Maybe it's because I'd almost rather it be real crying I could do something about rather than these purely mentally subconcious cries I have no control over at all, except for to remind my mind they aren't real, they're in my head. (ummm...do I sound crazy? Please don't send me to the psych ward. I'm just running on low sleep.)

But whatever it is, my nerves almost start pumping adrenaline and have me feeling like I could run a marathon in 7 minutes. And while I know I can't run that fast, period, I definitely wish I could get the extra energy it gives me on a constant pump. Without the low it also produces after the effect.

So is anyone with me? Please tell me I'm not the only mom or caretaker of an infant who has experienced this phenomenon. Because if I am, well...then maybe I do need to be seen by my doctor so I can avoid the mental ward.

Because I'm hearing it...again.

1 Month [Aubrey]

Time always seems a funny thing when you have a newborn. Even funnier when you have an almost 2 year old and a newborn. The days seem infintessimally longer while weeks seem to slip straight through your fingers. There are even those rare days which seem to fly by, which throws a complete curve ball into grasping time, when you get to soak in all the glory and blessing of having a quiver full of children. And I'm just today experiencing the full fledged reality of raising two kids on my own for 8+ hours of the day. (Please, pray for me!!)

That being said, I'm several days late in getting this written and posted, but when it comes to my kids always better late than never I try to write the post at some point so I have it as a keepsake. And just to keep it real: while I'd love to say the posts are late because I'm engaged 100% as a mom and giving them what they need from me, sometimes I'm still wasting my time on social media or half-way giving them my attention even when my writing has fallen to the way side.

Anyway...

I cannot believe Aubrey is already a month old! As of last Wednesday! Gah.

I'd really be ok if time would stand still. If even for a moment. Mentally I feel it may help with the emotional roller coaster the month of March will always be for me, but especially this year. I will always have Zoë's and my Angel baby's birthdays, but this year...yes, this year...I am still dealing with postpartum hormones, celebrating Aubrey's 1 month milestone, Zoë's 2 year, and my little Angel's 1 year.

This is such a joyous and sorrowful time.

But this post is a joyous one. A post to begin the monthly milestones Aubrey makes. A post celebrating the wonderful blessing of another child. Life is a gift.

To that end I wanted to post some extremely rookie pics taken with a point n shoot with a manual mode that no longer functions properly. And auto mode...well, it's just not as great for taking pics of an infant. But I'd rather have pictures than none to capture this time at all.

First off, let me show you just how good I am at making my babies cry when I attempt any semblance of a mini photo shoot. This particular picture was captured after several different positions in different places. Every. last. one happened to make Aubrey cry. Way to go, Mom!

This one isn't a great pic, but the face. Oh, the face! I crack up every time I see this picture. She purses her lips like that a lot too. Already bringing additional laughter into our home.

Finally was able to get her to settle down by swaddling her. Then big sister decided she wanted in on the "cheese" action. Here she is pointing to Aubrey's head band. Though they obviously can't truly interact with one another yet, moments like these melt my heart and give life to the hope of them becoming best buds.

I'm biased, but man she's cute! And it still blows my mind she has so much dark hair. I seriously thought I would always have bald babies.

Nothing like a sweet, sleeping baby.

I consider this her first "see how I'm growing" picture. There was no way I was going to get one with her unswaddled; plus, she still hasn't lost all the newborn womb syndrome (curled up in a ball like she still has no room to stretch).

1 Month Stats

• At 2 weeks you weighed 8 pounds 5 ounces. This means you had gained almost an entire pound in about 7 days. As your doctor told me, "[You're] killing it on weight!" Mommy has "ghetto weighed" you since then. If our scale is correct, you now weigh around 11 pounds. I'll be very curious to get an official weight on you at your 2 month check-up. You're healthy so we weren't required to go in for a one month.
• You measured 21 inches at 2 weeks old which is up 1 1/4 inches from birth. You currently are almost out of newborn size onesies. It does depend on the brand, but a majority of them do not fit.
• You're very patient with me as I try to figure out the correct size on the cloth diapers we are borrowing. I'm curious to see if this will transform into a more laid back personality.
• You are becoming more alert by the day. Your most attentive times are when we first wake up in the morning and after your midafternoon eating session.
• You continue to nurse like a champ. I'm so grateful nursing has been a relative breeze with you. We've had our hiccups, but the older you get, the fewer problems we have. You've even had several days where you will nurse for 10 minutes each side and last three hours between nursing sessions.
• You aren't a big fan of tummy time. Rarely you'll last a good ten to fifteen minutes, but most of the time I feel like as soon as I've set you down you begin fussing about it.
• You enjoy snuggling. Oh, do you snuggle! Your favorite spot is to be on my shoulder but able to nestle your head into my neck.

Aubrey,

Words cannot describe how much my joy has increased by having you in my arms. I am still amazed I was pregnant with you so quickly after we lost your sibling. And now to have you, flesh and blood, in my arms. What a sweet, sweet gift you are!

As you continue to grow and show signs of thriving I become ever more curious of who you will develop to be. How will you touch the lives around you? What will the daily interactions with your sister look like? What will you like? What will you dislike? (We're already very aware of the fact you do not have an inclination for music the way your sister did. We have yet to find any song to soothe you. In fact, some of them seem to make you more riled up or angry.)

It is my joy and honor to be your mommy. To get to know you as only a mother is able.

I love you very much, sweet girl!

Mommy

Pondering Birth

*NOTE: This post was supposed to be scheduled to publish on 2/4/14. Somehow, I messed up and must have only saved it, not published with a scheduled time. So, this was finished before Aubrey's birth, but not published until after :)*

What do you do when you're almost full term (and I mean the full 40 weeks) and you're restless?

I would guess there are a vast array of answers to that question as different as every woman who has ever been there. It also depends on whether or not you have loads of time to ponder in the middle of the night because you get up so much and it takes time to get comfortable and fall back asleep every time. (I like to hope this is preparing me for life with a newborn, but let's face it: life with a newborn is way more draining than having to wake up to use the bathroom 7 times in the middle of the night. You can almost stay asleep. Almost.)

Being I am one of the latter, I have had way too much time to ponder way too many thoughts. Some of them are great learning tools in trusting God's sovereignty over every. single. situation. Some of them have been great tools in building my confidence in choices Ben and I have made throughout this pregnancy different from the pregnancy with Zoë. Thankfully, either way, I have been learning from everything which happens to cross my mind at 2 in the morning, and other times throughout the day, and not found myself stressed out from thoughts which could completely overwhelm me.

One place my mind keeps going is our decision to have an unmedicated birth. If you have been following me for a while, you are probably familiar with Zoë's birth story. If not, then you know I had gone in hoping for an unmedicated birth, but looking back there was a lot I didn't do to prepare, I assumed my OB was on my side as far as letting my body do what it was designed to, and found myself thinking if I had it to do all over again, I would do it differently next time.

Don't get me wrong, Zoë's birth story is beautiful in that God graciously bestowed on me a healthy, vibrant baby girl. Yet, likely for many reasons though I've yet to fully explore every thought I've had about her birth, I was left wanting after her birth story. I have also had some issues from decisions made during her birth which possibly could have been completely avoided. I say possibly because even when you have an unmedicated birth there are chances some of my "problems" could occur. However, the percentage of said issues is much lower and I would rather know I did everything in my power to prevent them rather than wonder if I would have them had I let my body be.

I am also not one to tell everyone I think they're (fill in the blank) for choosing to have an epidural or whatever choices they decide to make with their birth experience(s). Yes, I have an opinion about unmedicated birth and why I personally believe it is best for both mother and baby, but I do not judge those who decide to make a different decision for themselves and their baby.

However, I do find myself wondering if I will really stick through an entire labor choosing to allow my body to do everything on it's own with no medicine for pain. I wonder if I will throw in the towel somewhere close to the end. There is still fear I may end up with a doctor or nurse who pushes pain medicines or runs to interventions. (Dear Lord, please let my OB be the one over my entire labor and birth!)

I have been asked so many times if I had had an unmedicated birth before. I have been thrown looks of "You're crazy!" or heard statements which were meant to be encouraging yet all I heard was "Yeah..you're likely going to want the epidural again."

It has been a rare instance to run into someone who has chosen unmedicated birth. (I have met several people who weren't planning on it but their labor was so short they didn't have a choice.) It has been an even more rare occurrence to meet someone who hasn't chosen the unmedicated route but who doesn't throw a stone at my decision. (And last I checked, you may think I'm crazy or simply differ in opinion, but when it comes to me, the only opinion that matters here is mine. <- Can you hear a bit of my frustration? haha.)

All of this just to say I often wonder what the final outcome of this will be. And honestly, I wonder how much I will care what really happens in the end because the closer little Aubrey's due date comes the more I just want to hold my rainbow baby in my arms. To hear "IT'S A GIRL!" and simultaneously find out she is healthy. To be able to say God has fully lavished blessing upon blessing in bestowing another life, this one living and breathing this side of Heaven, into my arms.

WE HAVE A RAINBOW BABY!!!!

God is good! So, so unbelievably good!! 

If you follow me on Twitter or Instagram, then you've likely seen the picture of Ben and me with our newest addition to our family.

I simply wanted to tell the world every way possible:

Aubrey Kate

was born on February 5, 2014,

at 15:06

weighing 7 pounds 6 ounces

and measuring 19 3/4 inches long

We are simply beside ourselves as we soak in the beauty of this new gift!

38 Weeks [A Bumpdate]

*NOTE: Some of what I say in this post may sound like I'm complaining. While the pregnancy is getting to be quite uncomfortable as, by this point, all my internal, abdominal organs have been pushed out of their proper place, I'm really trying to state the facts so I can remember what it was like at this point in the pregnancy. Every movement I feel, every discomfort (which may make me cringe or I may wish away in that particular moment), is seen as a blessing I am still carrying my rainbow baby. I see it as a gift because I know God does not owe me the joy of child, let alone another one. Please understand while I wish no one had to feel these discomforts in their pregnancy, I simultaneously sit and pray asking God to bless those who desire children. I am simply listing facts so I have them to go back and look at later. My overall attitude, which I hope is what people pick up on, is one of gratefulness for the blessing I carry.*

How Far Along: I am 38 weeks and 5 days. 9 days until I'm 40 weeks! (SAY WHAAAT?!?!)

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Last official weight check says I'm back to having gained only 32. Seems I tend to fluctuate now. I'm perfectly fine with that.

Gimme' some of that!: Enchiladas. Tamales (still haven't satisified that one yet). And ice cream :)

How I Feel: Nauseous. Very swollen - at least in my feet and legs. I feel like part of me is turning into sausages. (Just check out my twitter feed this past week. I took a pic of one of my feet and you can see exactly what I'm talking about.) Exhausted. Ready.

Movement: I'm so nervous this is going to decrease or stop completely. There are many factors playing into fear of losing her and right now my biggest battle is hanging on tight to the promise I serve a good and faithful God, one who allows everything to happen for the purpose of His glory. Though, that being said, my hope is it will glorify Him most for me to bring home a healthy, needy (did I just type that last word?) baby to make our family grow from 3 to 4.

Sleep: Getting maybe an hour and half stretch at a time. I wake to go to the bathroom that often. Or needing to change position because my body aches from the weight staying all on one side.

What I Miss: The ease of rolling over in my bed and the ability to only need to go to the bathroom my normal amount.

What I'm Looking Forward To: My rainbow baby being placed on my chest.