For Catharsis

Do you ever want to just write for the sake of writing? To feel each key give way as your fingers roll across them?

Maybe I miss the piano a bit much.

Maybe my heart is overflowing inside of me to the point I have no clue what I'm letting out.

Whatever it is, I do know one thing: God is teaching me a lot these days.

So much that I'm begging him to help me remain open, to be the clay molding to the loving, guiding pressure of its Potter.

I don't really know what else I have to share with you. Yet I do know my soul is crying for continual healing.

I can only imagine it started by Him leading me to a bible study I almost thought I would drop out of. Because it isn't purely a mom's group. A young mom's group at that. But because I am sticking with it, I know I am going to learn a lot from it.

God is working.

I'm not quite sure what to share about it just yet, but when I do, if I am, I will let my fingers happily dance across the only keys I have to "make music" with right now.

Running to God: The Only Positive Action That Truly Moves You Forward

*sigh*

I'm really having a hard time writing this post. A post to link-up with Holley for her God-sized Dreams series.

Why?

Because her question for us to think about and write about this week is remembering positive action that I've previously taken.

And while there is a huge life-altering situation that I did just that, I'm stuck in how I feel right now. Which, I'm pretty sure, is due to being in the most difficult part of the climb.

And I also know that I made it more difficult by thinking when I started off on this journey (the journey began when I started reading Holley's e-book The "Do What You Can" Plan at the beginning of this year which led me to her blog and this series) that by the end of the book, which I finished today, I would be well on my way with cussing behind me. You can read my first God-sized Dreams post here. It explains my current goal.

But yesterday, and a couple days before that, and...yeah, get the picture?

They slipped. Right. Out. Of. My. Mouth.

I didn't even realize it until after I had said it.

B.U.M.M.E.D.

Before this horrid streak of uttering at least one a day, I had made it almost two weeks.

Ok, hang with me!

Don't leave me just yet. I'm not telling you all this to throw a massive pity party and inviting you to it. Promise!

All this leads into the story I have to share with you about a time I took positive action. Because, honestly, I could take a lesson or two from my 5-years-ago self.

Let me tell you the story. And please, don't judge. We all have our faults. I'm being open about some of mine in hopes that someone else might either hear God's voice through it or be able to pull out of their pit and return to him.

The year was 2008.

I was coming round the bend from a complete fall out. I'm talking "I want nothing to do with God or the church and I don't see what purpose I really ever found in pursuing a relationship with him anyway" fall out.

It. Was. Rock. Bottom.

Seriously.

Anger, depression, complete disregard for anyone around me. I was miserable! I'm not even sure what I found so pleasing in living like that.

I began seeing the misery of a life lived for self and just how helpless I really am on my own when I realized I wanted some form of alcoholic beverage every day. Not to become totally wasted and not remember what was going on around me. No, I have never blacked out or not remembered an evening because of a drink. But I have drank to numb the pain and anger (oh am I funny when I've had enough to push me past reserved!) and hurt from past and present problems. Really from life.

And so I got up out of bed.

Walked what felt like the longest, hardest twenty-five feet of my life.

And watched as I poured every last ounce of the Vodka I stored in my freezer make its way down my kitchen sink's drain.

It was then I became thirsty. And not the thirst that can be quenched with water.

No. My soul was dying for what I had been running from for several solid months.

So I began reading. And journaling. And praying. Asking God just what he might have in store for me. (And would you please make my mom quit asking me to move to Baton Rouge. Please and Thank you!) (Um...yeah I had and still have a ways to go with the requests I make sometimes. :])

Would you know that after months of searching and months of me telling my mother no but earnestly seeking to hear God's will for my life, I heard a whisper to my soul. I was reading my bible and praying about where God would have me go, especially after I'd been off track for so long. I just wasn't sure what it would look like.

That whisper changed my entire life. (I wouldn't be in Houston now if I hadn't listened.) At the time I wasn't sure why, but I heard God speak to me. Not really with audible words. But a peace came over my heart in that time and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that, were I to stay in God's will and continue with the good I had begun to see sprouting in my life, I was to move to Baton Rouge.

And I did. And I will never be the same because of it. Shoot! I learned my love of science and intermingling it with people (aka nursing) is more than just a fancy - I could actually see myself going back to school for my RN. I met and married the love of my life, who also, at times, feels like a thorn in my side because he pushes me to continually pursue growth in the relationship that matters above all. I was blessed with my sweet daughter who is rounding on a year and I just don't know what I'd do without her.

Yeah.

It really isn't the same. And I don't want it to be the same.

If you hung in there, wow! I hope it maybe has helped you see that even the good struggles aren't always a breeze. But boy are they worth it! (Even if you're like me who wrestles with what feels like ropes holding you back at times. Blasted self-will!)

That moment in my life is thankfully etched forever in my memory. It serves as an altar of sorts where I can thank my God for walking me through every moment of my life. An altar of thanks for reminding me that I am at my greatest when I am on my knees before him because I know I am helpless and absolutely nothing without him. It serves as a reminder that any time, every time, and every single second I live I have the ability to move forward only by his grace and his strength. Though my flesh may wrestle with wanting to do it my way, I can forever be reminded of where that brings me and how much more satisfying a life of pursuing goals he gives me by his strength is.

How I hope and pray I will always use my time to continually run to God every moment I am given!

An Old Journal Entry

To say the last half of this week has been a tough one feels like an understatement.

For starters, I'm really beginning to feel extremely disconnected from those around me. Feeling like I'm doing life all by my lonesome, in which I know that isn't true because my Creator always walks through life with me as long as I foster my relationship with him. But I just can't shake the disconnected feeling.

The move is really starting to ware on me. I'm really starting to miss my friends I had back in Baton Rouge. Not that we haven't stayed connected, but it's just not the same when you don't get face time with them. (Um...kind of hate that Apple had to steal that saying for their version of Skype. But I still love Apple. Just sayin'.)

Then the hubs and I have been wading through some dangerous waters. And that thought is extremely sobering when I consider how, at this time, it's mostly because of me and my struggles. He has been a trooper and extremely understanding. He is such a catch and I'm so blessed to have him!

To add to the fun times going on around here, Zoë and I have come down with a cold. No fever, so I know it's not the flu. But let me tell you, I feel pretty beat. Quite under the weather. And she's pretty fussy about it. Yet, she doesn't want to quit playing even though she's pretty dead beat.

However, the part that I'm really striving to shoo out the door would be working towards getting this particular bumpy road behind the hubs and I.

I really felt God telling me to flip through some of my old journals. In an effort to better understand myself and possibly even shine some light on what is actually going on. So I did. It did help, but what I really loved about it was this little gem I found: an entry from the summer of 2008.

I don't quite remember what caused me to write it, but it still hit home with how I frequently feel in regards to how we, and by we I'm specifically talking about those who say they believe in Christ as Lord and Savior, treat our relationship with Christ. Please understand, this is a vast marginalization of Christ followers, yet I do believe we have all been in a place closely resembling what I wrote.

We've created a tameable Jesus. A Jesus who "captures" people with entertainment. A Jesus who does exactly what you tell him and want of him.

We're not interested in the Jesus who requires us to brave the uncomfortable. The Jesus who turns tables over in righteous anger or asks you to leave certainty behind. We can't stand the Jesus who allows poverty, war, hatred and injustice to continue their hold on humanity.

We either want him to let us stay comfortable while waiting on us hand and foot or we want him to take revenge on those who hurt us. We demand all of this on our time frame.

And if he "can't", then we throw him away like a used paper towel ready to move on to the new and improved - fluffier and more absorbent paper towel. Sometimes he is even the next paper towel we use until we find, yet again, he is completely used.

Maybe he is the 100% recyclable savior; at least, it appears that is what we have made him to be. The big problem, though, then becomes that he isn't as satisfying or usable with each new recycling. And all those miracles we want performed cannot be done at all by something that has the affects of reusable written all over it.

Can you honestly consider these descriptions of Jesus to encompass him as omnipotent? If he's doing what we demand and filling the description of this entertaining, soft, all-loving-but-kill-my-enemies god then can he really be as powerful as he has said he is?

Not only that but none of these descriptions no where near accurately fit who Jesus was as seen throughout scripture.

He wasn't safe: he touched lepers (see Matthew 8:3), contradicted all major religious leaders of his time (see Luke 7:36-39 and Mark 3:1-6, to name a couple), he visited tax collectors (see Luke 19:1-10), among numerous other things.

He wasn't tameable: he rebuked the leaders every time they threw laws in his face (see Mark 2:23-28), he befriended everyone (see Matthew 9:9-13), he spent 40 days in the desert fasting and we know for certain was tempted after (see Matthew 4:1-11), he spoke truth whether blatant or in parable. (I'm not going to post a link for this last part. It's all throughout the gospels [Matthew, Mark, Luke and John] and easy to find.)

He wasn't comfortable: he came to earth while giving up heaven (see John 1:1-18), he was born in a lowly estate (see specifically Luke 2:7, though I love the entire chapter), he wasn't mainstream (see John 6:41-66).

To limit him by what we think or believe he should be is to say he isn't as powerful as he's said or shown through his death and resurrection.

That last statement gives me reason to pause. To think about how I treat my relationship with him. To grieve over how broken I am and yet many times continue to live on my own strength. To grieve over the thought that I have tried to make Jesus fit in my perfect box so I can carry him around like a display for all to see, when it isn't about me. It was never supposed to be about me.

And if I try to live like it's about me and what I can do, how then can he be glorified in and through me?

It was a good reminder for myself that I thought I would share with you because, let's face it, in some form or fashion we have tried to fit Jesus into whatever mold we desire him to. And that is not what I desire.

And yet, I don't have to remain grieving. I am given reason to lift my head so I might fix my eyes on the Cross and use the grief to push me closer to him. To search for his words of life on how I can live wholly for him.

My God-sized Dreams Buddy

So I've been participating in the God-sized Dreams series.

Before I really get into what this post is about, I must say Holley has really been writing some posts and wrote The "Do What You Can Plan": 21 Days to Making Any Area of Your Life Better which have both been giving me plenty to chew on spiritually. Sometimes I wish I could just fully give myself to the tide that wants to take me. Get lost in it. Spend ours absorbing everything that I can learn.

And yet, even though I'm unable to spend hours, God is blessing the bits of time I'm able to give.

It's so worth it to pursue "God-sized Dreams", you guys. I would love it if you would join. And if not, well, I'm taking this journey.

Which leads me to what the link-up is really all about today: my God-sized Dreams buddy.

I am so glad that I can call my hubby my God-sized dreams buddy.

Because honestly, long before this series ever got started, he has been dreaming God-sized dreams with me. And to this day, he still helps hold me accountable for those dreams that pertain to my life and bettering me as a child of God. But he also sits with me and talks about the hopes and dreams God has planted and wondering what will come of those and what purpose those serve and what steps we can take now to pursue them.

The list never ends.

Though we drive each other crazy at times, we're easily each others best and closest friend. I can definitely say he knows me better than even my closest girl friends.

He helps me get a grasp on situations in my life that need light shed on them. He is iron sharpening iron for me spurring me on in a closer walk with Christ. He encourages me when I pursue a God-sized dream that I feel may be a bit wimpy yet scares me enough to make me feel like I'm going to wet myself.

And so because of all that I have said and more, I chose my hubby to be my God-sized Dreams buddy. For even when this series comes to an end, as I expect it will, he will still be there by my side hoping and praying with me as I continue to embark in seeking God and all the dreams He has for me.

This Weekend, I [v. 1]

Because my brain seems to be on overload, I figured I would bullet out my weekend. And then I remembered the lovely Sar has a link-up every monday for just such a thing.

This weekend, I became oober excited when my sister told me she was finished with my new blog design. I'm pretty sure she uploaded it Friday evening. I didn't get to see it until Saturday morning. There are one or two things she's going to add because she forgot, but over all I must say I LOVE IT! (Let's face it, pregnancy makes us forget stuff on it's own. Add two pre-k aged boys to the mix. Yeah. It's wearing.) If you want, you should go over to my actual page to check it out. (That is, for those who subscribe and are reading this in a reader or e-mail.) If you like it and are wanting to revamp your design, I totally recommend my sister. *Disclaimer: she did not ask me to say this. In fact, she didn't even know I was going to put this little plug in for her :) I'm saying this because I love the work she does and I think she does a great job. And when I find someone who I think does a great job, I promote them.*

This weekend, I visited the IKEA store with my hubs. I've heard all about IKEA but never been able to go. Since we live rather close to the Houston IKEA, we decided it'd be fun just to go see what all the fuss is about. Not to mention, it was cold again this weekend. So to IKEA we went. And how amazing is that store? Now I know what the fuss was about and I love how they set up the show rooms. I could have an entire house based off of IKEA. LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!

This weekend, I visited a church for the third time since we've been here. Though we're still not sure of where God really desires to use us best, we both left feeling like it's somewhere we could see being used for His glory and really feeling like we'd found a church home. I'm hesitant to say much else because I desire so badly to begin to grow roots, especially in effort to ward off my "hermitism", while we're here I don't want to see myself jump on a wagon I was supposed to watch pass. Even if the wagon is headed in a great direction. If this comes to mind, please pray God would give us guidance on this matter. There are several great churches we've visited. It's really a matter of where we will be used best by Him.

And that about sums up my weekend. Obviously, quite laid back. But then again, when is it not? We rarely have an eventful weekend right now and I can't say I mind.

How was your weekend?

Feel free to link-up if you wanna join in a tell us.