*I was going to schedule this post, but then I felt like I should go ahead and share it, while it's raw. After all, I'm more about honesty on my blog than scheduling so I don't post twice in one day. And please know this: I'm not moping around my home 24/7. Some days are great and I have joy accompanyed by happiness. Others are joy accompanyed by mourning, anger, sorrow or a mix of all the above and then some. If you're new to my blog, you may want to start here*
I ache.
I ache.
Deep within my being.
Oh how I never thought I'd say these words:
"I want to be pregnant."
Now I mock my year-ago-self.
Because I long to be swelling.
Swelling with a life growing within.
Oh the pain!
This loss, so great.
My body reminds me that it is no more.
That I'm waiting.
Waiting for the opportunity.
To hear these words: "Your baby is healthy!"
To say these words: "You're a big sister!"
I ache.
My arms long to cradle new life.
But cannot bear to hold another's.
Yet wants to.
Just to feel the warmth of a tiny life.
And dream.
Dream of the day that just maybe...
Oh, to have once again!
The marks for new parenthood:
eyes weighed down from interrupted sleep
toys and blankets and bottles strewn everywhere
laundry piled at the dryer
a bag stretched 'til there's no more room
and love, an inexplicable, fierce love.
For this my heart shall dream and pray:
the beauty of a sibling brought
three be stretched to equal four
we may once more bestow our love
gathered into welcoming arms
to cherish a most wonderous blessing
oh, life! Sweet life: an infant's cries.
Oh Megan! I'm siting here crying for you. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I can't even imagine the depth of the pain you must feel at times. Praying for you sweet friend.
ReplyDelete(Seems today is the day for blogger rawness. I'm seeing it everywhere.)