A Love-Hate Relationship

Yes. That is exactly what it is: a love-hate relationship. Would you like me to expound? Well, I feel like it so I guess you are about to find out.

I am currently sitting in the ceramics building with Ben for who knows which # time, for I have lost the count. I am unsure of how many more times we will frequent this building; I know he will be here much more than I with our different schedules. Yet, it still seems I am here with him most every day, once off of work.

As I was talking with my mom earlier this afternoon, I was ending our conversation when I blurted: "You know...it's just a love hate relationship. It can be so frustrating that the majority of my time with him right now is spent just being with him while he works on ceramics. But I know once it's said and done, we grow comfortable in our normal day-to-day with jobs, activities, exercise, etc., there will be times I will miss this phase of our relationship." As often as we do it, it can grow very dull for I often feel extremely useless. However, I also know it does mean a lot to him that I would spend my free time to just be with him.

It is fun to watch him intently working on a project a majority of the time. Something about his relationship with the clay, the purpose in his gaze, the gentle, yet firm, movement of his hands. The artist with his masterpiece. It is equivalent, to me, of listening to someone work on music. The art of building the masterpiece, of which most people do not understand the depth of emotion and length of time put into it.

There is also the knowledge of the support I am giving. I might not say much. I may not even be doing something or saying anything related to his work. But somehow, just being there says more to him than if I didn't go with him at all and were to later tell him it looks amazing (which his work often does).

But sometimes, I can't stand to do the same thing every day. I don't want to go with him to ceramics. I want to be free of anything that has been assigned as work, even though it is not mine to do. There really are some days I absolutely hate to be near that building.

Thus my love-hate relationship. It will end come May, when Ben proudly walks for two diplomas he has spent 5 1/2 years of his life working towards. And I will be extremely proud of him (I already am) for his accomplishment. And although I know I will initially be excited to be rid of this building, there is a part of me that, after some times has passed, will miss the time, memories, and normalcy found here.

My Prince Charming

Yes, he is completely 100% MY Prince Charming. He didn't come with perfection, but I love him just the same with all his imperfections. I know in my last post I hopped on my soap box with tiring of etiquette and what people think of it. I love the comment my sister left. And I completely agree (thanks, Linds)!

And with that, Benjamin and I have completely enjoyed planning this past week. We have weeded through several different tunes, some of which I don't even know why people would use as a reception song. It was a lot of fun just listening to the crappy, fun, "why on earth do you want a song talking about this at your wedding" tunes. It was a great stress reliever and, although I had yet to read my sis' comment, a great reminder of this is OUR wedding. And whether or not someone else would do exactly what we have planned, it is what we want to do to celebrate the beginning of the rest of our lives together.

We also have ordered the invitations.....and I am SOOOOO excited about them! First of all, I was able to get something I really, really liked, which was not originally how I was going to pick. Price ruled my thoughts, thus I wouldn't even allow myself to look at something if it was overbudgeted. Then I realized, along with Benjamin, we were not going to have to order as many invitations as we thought originally. With that in mind, Laura, our wedding coordinator, told us to start from the beginning. "I don't think you picked any of these because you just loved them," she said, "Let's go through this again. You shouldn't have to think about whether you like it. This is a flip through because you're supposed to love it right when you see it."

So we started glancing at the invite samples as Laura quickly flipped through pages. There were a couple we like but they were waaay too expensive, and she agreed. So we kept flipping. We made it through one book without really just loving anything out of it. So she pulled out another and began flipping through that. About half-way through, she had barely flipped a page when we all made a statement about it at the same time: "OH WOW! I really like that one!" I said, "Hey, what about that one?" Ben said, and Laura, with her fingering pointing at the design said, "This is really pretty. Oh and look at the way the worded the invite to the reception." Needless to say, those are the invites she sent the order out for yesterday.

I'm just loving how everything is falling into place and am so excited and building with anticipation as the day is drawing near. I just am enthralled that I am going to be spending the rest of my life with my best friend. I know I'm currently on cloud nine with my realization of doing what we want for the wedding and the idea of being with him every day, but I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I am not disillusioned into thinking we will never fight, we won't have our hard moments, its going to be "happily, ever after". Trust me, we've already had a couple nasty fights and had to come together to work through them. But as awful as I feel after, and I know he's apologized and told me he feels the same way, there is always this feeling of, "Wow! To work through this disagreement has only brought us closer together." I'm not saying, by any means, I want us to fight more so we can grow; I think we can grow together without it as well. I just know that being committed to each other no matter what may happen in our lives or what we may argue about makes me enjoy the rainbow after the storm.

And right at this moment, I just was thinking about us but more so him because I know that no matter what it takes, he is always going to do everything he can to take care of me. His dad is currently replacing my brakes, and of course Benjamin is along side him working as well. Well, when Dad #2 (that's what I will refer to my father-in-law as) popped my hood, we discovered that more acid had built up on both my + and - receptors on the battery. he said he would clean it and then started telling me about these felt pads you can place on the battery which help with build up because of some chemical in them. Of course I figured I would just get them later, however, my Benjamin just walked in the room and told me he had put some of those pads on the battery. I then said, "Oh, you guys had some here." "No," he replied, "I went to go purchase them so it would stay clean."

No, not perfect, but DEFINITELY my Prince Charming!

Not all Kicks & Giggles

Wedding planning is hard. It is quite overwhelming as well. I know most people say I've got it together because within just a months time several of my large to-do's were either set in stone or well on there way to being done.

I guess my struggle isn't with what to pick, trust me: I'm OCD and picky picky picky. I know what I want, how I want it, and why I want it that way. I also know a lot of what I want is extremely different from the norm and tradition. I have had so many different people tell me "You can't do it that way", "That's not right, you have to do it this way", "It would look much better if you did it this way", "That doesn't follow etiquette", etc. The thing is, I'm not really looking for someone's approval on following etiquette nor am I truly worried if everyone else "just loves it". If it's what I want and Ben likes it too (yes, I have been blessed with a man who actually cares about what to pick and what things look like, although I'm not 100% sure of the blessing yet :P), then it is what I want to have.

I just am not in a mindset of being able to completely understand why etiquette must be followed. I'm sure there are some areas of etiquette I will actually be following, only because it's what I like. However, I just have never quite understood it fully. I'm sure some situations call for it, and maybe in those I must conform. Part of my misunderstanding lies in who on earth set it up and decided everyone must follow? I guess I should do some research in that area. I am open to at least learning about it, although I can guarantee it will not change the choices I have already made in regards to my wedding.

I know I am completely rambling. I guess I have just been extremely frustrated with some of my plans and started thinking about etiquette and where it came from. That's pretty much my existence right now.