Today May Be the Death of Me

Those were words I typed into my facebook status just last week. Words which didn't really hit me any particular way as they flew out from under my fingers.

It really was a rough day. I honestly thought if I wasn't careful that day could see me dead at the end of it. (Gee those last words aren't pretty to admit, but there really are days like that around here. Those days, thankfully, generally remind me of my great need for a Savior.) And while I wish I could say I typed those words out hoping they would offer some consolation to other moms who have had or were experiencing a similar day, I was truly selfishly thinking of myself, complaining to everyone of my current misery while simultaneously reaching out for any life saving device that could be thrown my way so as I didn't end up anywhere near headline news.

And though I'm not sure why I did it, at the end of that wearing day, I went back to reread what I wrote. The minute I read it, I was convicted:

I had quickly typed those words out selfishly, when in actuality, my faith necessitates this of me. Daily.

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.'"

Matthew 16:24, 25 (also see Mark 8:34, 35, and Luke 9:23, 24; they're practically identical)

While the original intent of my words is not what Christ is speaking of, every day should be a metaphorical death of me: a death of me and living for Him and His glory. A death of all the ugly character qualities I possess which rub people the wrong way, even myself at times. A death of using all the "pretty" character qualities I have for my own personal gain. A death of doing what I want for my own personal enjoyment or pleasure.

But I don't wake up reminding myself of what He has called me to.

I don't take time to start my day asking God to help me to die to myself again. continually.

Yet, why am I not? What is holding me back from living sold out to my God who gave everything for me so I might have an eternity with Him?

I'm not saying every Christian you come in contact with will verbally be radical in their faith. I personally believe some have the gift of evangelism while others are not going to show Christ in this manner. But what I am saying, and what I'm confessing I many times become apathetic in, is every Christian you encounter will and should be known by how they love. How they live. The day in and day out choices made.

And so while my original meaning of that statement was of a literal, physical death surrounded by pure selfishness, I hope to change the saying a bit and find it has become something with a whole new meaning.

How would I change it?

Today is the death of me.

Babywise vs. Attachment Parenting

I figured since I'm on a roll with remeniscing about baby life with Zoë and delved deep into what breastfeeding was like for us, I'd continue on in my looking back as Kaitlyn has been doing link-ups on everything baby. (Ok, so I'm not really on a roll, but I'm just feeling it in my blood after all the nostalgia yesterday created.)

The hard part of this post is I won't really be able to reference On Becoming Babywise by Gary Ezzo, M.A. and Robert Bucknam, M.D. The copy I read I borrowed from my older sister. And though I own the AP book, I'm not going to use specific quotes from it just because it's been forever since I read it, I didn't highlight when I read, and I just don't have it in me to make this more like a research post. Just giving my thoughts regarding looking back at the parenting style I adopted.

However, what I can tell you is that I wanted to throw Babywise (BW) out the window within about two weeks of having Zoë. Not because the book is horrible and doesn't offer any advice, but because I'm already type-A organized and I found that, for me, the book was just a little too restrictive. I found my maternal instincts waging war with everything I had learned from the book. Well, almost everything.

You see, one piece of very valuable information I did glean and cling to was this: allow yourself to work into an eat-wake-sleep cycle with your baby. Val, who has an awesome blog on the entire -wise series (Did you know that they go through...oh gee way older children is all I know? And yes, I said her blog is awesome even though I'm telling you that I wasn't a completely sold out "Babywise Mom".), has a great post on this topic. She likely has several, but I've read and gleaned from this post.

I faintly remember that I also learned about sleep training your child through BW, which is completely against Attachment Parenting (AP). (One of the AP "building blocks", as they call them, is to "Beware of Baby Trainers".) And while I think there is a certain amount of training that goes into the sleep schedule, I also think that you have to determine what is best for your family and make it work for you.

Let me explain: Babywise discusses how there are periods where you child will, a few months into life, begin waking around 5 am or some other not-normal-to-be-awake hour of the morning, but not because they are hungry. They will wake up. Talk to their little hearts content in baby coo. Make you want to peek in their crib and start cooing with them. But with everything in you, resist! Why? Because it's just a pattern almost every baby goes through and should you decide to be awake with them to enjoy it, your new wake-up time will become 5 am. If you ignore it, your baby will go through this cycle which takes days, at the minimum, up to possibly a month or two, at the maximum.

I don't know about you, but I wasn't waking up at 5 in the morning unless my daughter was calling for nourishment. And believe me, if you take the time to learn your child's cries (another AP building block), you will know the difference. Your voices of doubt may jump out at you, if you're anything like me and don't always believe in your ability to reason (Yay for fighting myself!), but if you have taken the time to learn them, you will know the difference. Period.

However, and I don't think BW is the only "parenting style" out there that says this, Ben and I didn't like the "don't pick your child up if they're crying" rule. Now, it wasn't everytime Zoë woke up that we would pick her up. Learning your child's cries plays into this. A lot. Because you see, we were blessed with a daughter who would cry because she needed just a bit more comfort. So we would go in, pick her up and snuggle her, and just before she was ready to sleep, put her back down.

Bingo!

It worked like a charm. Every. time.

Oh and not picking her up? Well, let's just say we only did it one night, the next day was h.o.r.r.i.b.l.e. and my momma heart was ripping at the seams trying to be held back when something in me knew. I just knew that my daughter needed comfort, not crying herself to sleep. And, by the way, she cried for at least three hours that night. I personally felt like a failure as a mom that night.

We then moved to the start with checking on baby at the 10-15-20-etc periods and letting her cry in between. We also were adament about sticking to the "not picking her up" and just rubbing her belly.

Yeah. That didn't work for us either.

And thus we found out our daughter actually needed to be picked up. All it took was one night of me picking her up, singing to her and swaying a wee bit, for maybe all of ten minutes while she calmed herself and was comforted by mommy. When I put her back down she wimpered for maybe all of five minutes and was out. like. a. light.

But this isn't the case for all kids. And it can change. My older sister was never really able to pick her oldest up out of bed when he was working himself to sleep because it only made him madder. (Lindsey, correct me if I'm wrong here, but I'm pretty sure that's what you told me.) As Zoë has grown, nap time has become a, and this is a general rule of thumb which must be broken every now and then, don't go in and so much as look at her when she's crying or she will not nap at all.

It's a general rule of thumb now because if she has been overstimulated, I generally have to calm her down to either just before she sleeps or get her to fall asleep on me and then put her down. Which, by the way, is a big BW no-no. Baby should always go down for sleep awake, but calmed, according to BW. I'm not sure that AP addresses this or not, but I'm pretty sure it is suggested that baby not be "nursed", in any form, to sleep. (You can allow a baby to form attachments to rocking, the swing, the breast, the bottle, etc. Not that you shouldn't form a routine, but that baby should really learn from the beginning to actually finish the falling asleep process on their own.) However, I do know they never say it's taboo for baby to fall asleep in someone's arms.

I do believe that a baby shouldn't always fall asleep in someone's arms, and the older the child gets, the less frequent the falling asleep not in their bed should be. If a baby isn't put to sleep in their own bed at all, it's going to be harder for them to figure out how to soothe themselves to sleep there the older they get. My personal opinion, though it has held quite true with our Zoë.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, a few weeks in I was desperate for some help, and not from BW after the first few weeks, and so against what I'd heard about AP, I bought The Attachment Parenting Book by Dr. Sears and his wife, Martha.

And I. loved. it.

Not every part of it, but from the get go I loved it because they were very adament about how even though they believe using all 7 of the building blocks of AP works best, you have to use what works for you. And so if you're not using all of them, that is ok.

I needed to hear that like I need fresh air.

The seven blocks of AP are as follows (found on pp. 5-7):

1. Birth Bonding
2. Breastfeeding
3. Babywearing
4. Bed sharing
5. Belief in baby's cries
6. Balance and boundaries
7. Beware of baby trainers

Ben and I did not do bed sharing, except for in rare, utterly fatigued instances, and I only slightly followed number 7, using my judgement as to when "baby trainer's" had good or bad advice.

Also, because of so many emotional decisions and the fear that consumed me with knowing what I was stepping into as a mother, birth bonding didn't happen for us. I deeply regret it and know that next time I will do it differently.

What is it exactly I wish I'd do differently?

I want to hold my baby or at least have them placed on my abdomen, depending on how long the cord is, right after they're born. I don't want my baby taken from me unless they have to be, like for weighing them, but otherwise that baby will be loved in my arms from the second they enter this world. Yeah, it's could be a bit messy, but birth is a little messy naturally and my heart couldn't get my mouth to scream with Zoë that I was wrong and I want my baby. right. now. So I know that I will want that with the next one we're blessed to have in our arms here.

Breastfeeding, well, I gave you link to my post from yesterday. They recommend breastfeeding past the first year, but I wasn't really all for that. I knew a year was my mark and that worked for us.

As far as bed sharing, Zoë's crib was in our room, actually out of necessity, but I loved it for the first few months. That worked for us. There were occasional nights that I begged Ben to just let her sleep with us, and he graciously allowed. That was more out of my extreme fatigue than her need, usually, but either way it was nice to have her there when wanted or absolutely needed, but in her bed otherwise. I should note that we also only had a full size bed. It was tiny without a third body.

I didn't follow baby wearing to the letter of the law, as to generally be classified as such, the baby must be worn 3+ hours every day. In the beginning it's quite possible that happened out of necessity, but once the reflux medicine kicked in, it was more on a want basis, though it did happen daily and I do think it was nice for both of us.

Also, they highly suggest that dad baby wear some. This didn't completely appeal to Ben as the first "baby wearing" carrier I bought was the Moby. However, once we got the Boba, he was a bit more inclined to use it. He never really wore Zoë, though I wonder if that will change with the next baby as we already have the Boba. Not sure, we'll see. But that was one part of it that we just didn't follow.

Belief in baby's cries: I CANNOT OVERSTRESS HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS! Even if you decide to lean more to the BW method, this is VERY, VERY IMPORTANT! For the first several months, I'm talking it really doesn't start changing until around 8-9 months, at least in my experience, your child cries to communicate. Not to manipulate. Not to try and get you to do what they want. No, they cry because they need something. And that cry changes depending on what they need. Don't believe me? If you haven't tested this out yet and you plan on having more children, try it out with your next.

Yes, the cries may change over time, but if you've been paying attention, you will be able to decipher those tiny differences in the cries. You will be able to give your child what they need and soothe the tears long before it becomes a long, drawn out cry fest.

I was so enlightened when I read this in the AP book. And it clicked with my heart. I knew that I wasn't going crazy when I thought Zoë had certain cries that were communicating different things. (Like the way I just knew in my heart she had silent reflux and knew a specific cry was associted with the discomfort.) The day I started listening to Zoë and what she had to tell me, was the day that I began really connecting with my child and noticed that she trusted me more and more. Not that she didn't trust me before. Most children are born with an innate, inbred "trust your parents". I just noticed that the bond grew stronger as time went on and I believed in what each cry was telling me. It was also nice because I found it hard to be around adults much in those first few months, sheerly because I was so exhausted I thought it was great if I had showered and changed clothes that day. Maybe that was just me, but it was how we operated, and so learning that Zoë was communicating with me gave me a small bit of connectivity that I desperately needed.

(Please note: I am not saying that this is everyone. Nor am I saying that your child replaces good, healthy relationships with other women. I'm just saying that those first few months were not covered in visitors and going places. And though they were good, I did miss some of the connectivity, especially considering I went from a full time job five days a week, where I was around people from 7:30 until about 6 every day, to home alone with an infant who only spoke "cry". It was rough.)

As far as balance and boundaries, I think this should be put with any parenting style period.

It. is. essential.

Even more so than believing in baby's cries, though I think they could practically tie for first place.

I say this because setting boundaries and striving for balance in the relationship is very necessary. Our children need us, but more than needing us, they need mom and dad to have a healthy relationship. I know some people don't have this option, but if you are married, then make sure that your relationship with your husband is not put on the backburner. Both BW and AP talk about this.

This can be very hard. Especially in the first months when the baby is so very needy. And it seems many times that mom may be the only one who can help. But do whatever you can to include dad. I know that Ben loved when he was included, even if it was giving Zoë a bottle. And I was also blessed with a dad who, though had some moments he wasn't so sure he could do it alone, jumped right in on the diaper changing. And still does. (Those "Megan, I need your help" moments usually came with the lovely blow outs an infant gives you. Fun times.)

Now as far as beware of baby trainers goes, I took this on my own terms. I found that some information baby trainers give can be very helpful. After I read the AP book, I felt they would classify BW as baby trainers. I obviously didn't throw everything BW taught me out the window. I just held loosely to some of their guidelines. And there are some great sites out there that have some useful information, but also had information that I wasn't comfortable with using or didn't like at all.

Looking back, I guess you would call my style to fall along the lines of AP, though I used what I liked and left either what Ben couldn't stand or I didn't find necessary behind.

I know people who don't read any of the books and parent solely off of instinct and God's guidance, and ultimately, I feel that this is what Ben and I did/do. Yes, I read books to get a general idea to help me with forming my style. Yes, my style is more of an AP style than anything else. But if that isn't working for me tomorrow and I come up with or find something else that is, then that's what I'll use.

And that is probably my biggest plug on parenting. And the way I hope I will continues to parent as long as I'm raising a child.

Twitter Provoked Thoughts

Linking up with Amy from Taking Steps Home for Frankly Friday. :) (And if you don't know who she is, you should check her blog out. I love reading her posts. She's so honest! Maybe that's why she started this little linky party ;])



"Whatever your job may be, when you're a Christian you ultimately work for Jesus as an act of worship and a witness to others." - Mark Driscoll (@PastorMark)

"If you're waiting for your sin nature to surrender, you're dreaming. It's a fight till death." - Louie Giglio (@louiegiglio)

These are two tweets that came across my scroll (I don't know what to call it. And I like the sound of that. Ok? Sounds good to me.) the other day.

Both left me thinking.

Thinking about how I sit around thinking about all I wish I was as a follower of Christ. But doing nothing about it.

Of course, this goes more with the fact that I idolize those who are "in the ministry". You know: pastors and worship leaders and christian writers. Those who I feel, at least outwardly, live daily working a job that is for Jesus. Not that they aren't living it inwardly, but the truth is, many of them I don't know from Adam. So I really don't know if the inside meets road with the outside. Oh, and I often don't know what their actual daily life looks like.

I've idolized those people who must be living for Jesus because their job says they have to. (Oi! Are my thoughts full of fallacy or what? Good ol' lies straight from the pit.)

My job certainly doesn't seem to fit the bill. (That is by worldly standards.)

Clean the house. Change diapers. Make sure food is there and ready and/or accessible for all meals. Read Good Dog, Carl by Alexandra Day 100 times. Change diapers. Stack and push over blocks 2,300 times. Run errands. Play with Little People. Put the toddler down for a nap. Redirect a curious toddler 2,324,304 times a day. Read Barnyard Dance by Sandra Boynton 230.5 times. Change diapers. Put the toddler down for a nap. Clean dishes. Play with the light switch for however long it entertains. Watch Praise Baby. Crawl on all fours. Change diapers. Discover the taste of a magnet. (Do we remember this subconciously? Is that why we don't put the magnet in our mouth when we could remember how it tastes?) Wash laundry. (Did I mention change diapers?) Listen to my husband who is eager to tell me about his day. Put the toddler down for the night. Wrap up whatever it is I didn't get to before then. Hit the sack.

And it repeats itself with slight variations on a daily basis. (You know, throw in a bible study, play date, library time, zoo trip, whatever it may be.) (Oh. And please do not read into how I wrote that list. I am not mumbling it off like I hate reading to my daughter or listening to my husband and begrudge that I have to do those things on a daily basis. Yes. I am human. I have my bad days where I want the world to revolve around me, but generally, I am very happy that I get to do most of that on a daily basis. And the parts that I haven't learned to love, well...I'm praying I will.)

I find my mind bogged down believing that there is nothing holy about this mothering/home keeper job. That certainly this isn't a higher calling on my life from the Creator of the Universe.

But it is. Because it is here in this time and place that He has directly placed me. It is here in this time and place that He brought me and my husband to believe it is the best, most God-glorifying act for our family to have a sole provider and a sole home manager and day-time child caretaker.

This is no mistake.

It is as He planned.

Which is probably why I battle those horrible lies:

You are not enough.

She is not getting the best mothering that she could.

You could do a better job of ______________. (Yes, that truly is a has-a-million-different-answers fill-in-the-blank.)

If only you would do _____________, then your home would be truly cared for. (Another multi-faceted fill-in-the-blank.)

You didnt do _______________ and your husband noticed. You let him down. Big. (And another. I think I'm seeing a pattern here...just maybe.)

There are a million different lies on a million different days that I am sure have flashed across my mind. That, like Louie Giglio stated so well, I will be battling until death.

And I can only believe that it is because this job that I don't always treat as the higher calling it is truly is a higher calling.

This idol I've made of "ministry" jobs, those jobs that just happen to be called so by our world, must die. I cannot serve God the way I should if I'm believing this isn't as great as those jobs. I will only sit around thinking of what He asks of me rather than doing what it is He's called me to here and now.

Which can include diaper changing. Did you know that?

What is it He has called you to? Do you fully embrace that it is your calling? Or do you find yourself believing the lies so easily slipped in by the Enemy?

Dreams of An Aching Heart

*I was going to schedule this post, but then I felt like I should go ahead and share it, while it's raw. After all, I'm more about honesty on my blog than scheduling so I don't post twice in one day. And please know this: I'm not moping around my home 24/7. Some days are great and I have joy accompanyed by happiness. Others are joy accompanyed by mourning, anger, sorrow or a mix of all the above and then some. If you're new to my blog, you may want to start here*

I ache.

Deep within my being.

Oh how I never thought I'd say these words:

"I want to be pregnant."

Now I mock my year-ago-self.

Because I long to be swelling.

Swelling with a life growing within.

Oh the pain!

This loss, so great.

My body reminds me that it is no more.

That I'm waiting.

Waiting for the opportunity.

To hear these words: "Your baby is healthy!"

To say these words: "You're a big sister!"

I ache.

My arms long to cradle new life.

But cannot bear to hold another's.

Yet wants to.

Just to feel the warmth of a tiny life.

And dream.

Dream of the day that just maybe...

Oh, to have once again!

The marks for new parenthood:

eyes weighed down from interrupted sleep

toys and blankets and bottles strewn everywhere

laundry piled at the dryer

a bag stretched 'til there's no more room

and love, an inexplicable, fierce love.

For this my heart shall dream and pray:

the beauty of a sibling brought

three be stretched to equal four

we may once more bestow our love

gathered into welcoming arms

to cherish a most wonderous blessing

oh, life! Sweet life: an infant's cries.

Value: It's From Within

I'm loving how Twitter can keep me connected with the outside world without always having to turn on my T.V. to watch the news. I'm just not a fan of actually listening to all the brokenness of our world on a daily basis. Reading it isn't really my thing either, but I also feel I should keep up with it some in order to not be completely disconnected from the world I'm living in.

I just so happened to come across this post via a tweet earlier this week.

So I'm definitely behind the times in that I had no clue Beyoncé was touring, let alone the clothes she has chosen to wear on said tour. However, when I read this post, all I could think was "Amen, Bianca! Way to boldly and eloquently put out there what everyone needs to hear and be reminded of."

Honestly, I don't know that I have much to add to Bianca's letter.

Except maybe this: by God's grace, I pray that I can teach my daughter about the value of her body and that nothing can change her value in God's sight, but there are actions that would not be giving glory To God for or caring for the valuable body she has been given. I want her to see that her value is from within, not based off what she wears, does, or who she is friends (or not friends) with.

I hope that I can teach her to see the value in every human being and to help those who've been placed in her path that they are worth something. That clothing and character can be used in a completely flattering way without devaluing or shaming that which is there. Because, let's face it, value is internal and displayed externally by what we clothe ourselves with.

I hope I can teach her to help those who don't have a voice whether it was taken from them or they gave it away see that they can have a voice and that voice is worth something.

Thank you, Bianca, for taking the time to write a call to action. Thank you!

Parnoid much?

Well, I am.

I didn't realize it until I had Zoë, but I am. It has slowly creeped its way into a quite escalated place in my mind. Thankfully, God has given me ample of positive opportunity to either not live with it controlling my decisions or to where I simply isolate it to the corner of my mind as though it's not there. So thankful for his grace in that.

However, I find myself paranoid about getting in a car accident with Zoë in the car. Or wondering if she has some developmental or mental disability because she is a bit more spastic in her movement than other babies her age. (Way too early to be worrying about that, considering she isn't showing any signs of a disability. Not to mention, unless it's congenital, they aren't normally noticed until the child is around 2 or 3 years of age.) Shoot, I even admitted my paranoia of people following me while they're driving. Granted this (see the answer to #3) situation is what led to that, but still.

Apparently, I live in a perpetual fear of many aspects of my world. Fear of situations I have little to no control over. Fear that could be washed over with peace as long as I give it over to Christ.

Though I'm not relishing in the difficult aspects of parenting, God is slowly molding my heart showing me how, for his glory, it is making me into who he desires for me to be. The areas of my life being exposed would have either never been or taken years to have light shed on them sans parenting. I'm learning to be thankful for the difficulties I face, knowing that it is in those moments God is able to perfect me most, to teach me to depend on him in everything.

Sometimes I'm still suprised by how much I've seen myself grow in just six months.

Parenting is a serious refining tool.

My head is swimming...

...with doubts of my parenting technique, style, ummm...just about anything to do with raising my little one.

How do I know if she is crying because she's now grown accustom to being held ALL. THE. TIME (at least when dad is home. And yes, dad and I have discussed our game plan for that)? Or what if she is crying because she does, legitimately, need some extra loved-on time? Or maybe she is crying because she is teething, thus she needs a bit of extra comforting? Am I giving her enough tummy time? Or what about explorative time? Independent play time (it's more like explore on my back or tummy time at this moment)? Can a 4 month-old attempt to manipulate a situation through said crying to gain what she wants? And if she can and I give in, will that make it more difficult to train her later?

Oh and then I have my "nap time" doubts: how do I know it's time to put her down? What if I missed that perfect little window and we've screwed the whole ordeal up? How do I know if she's transitioning or I need to check on her immediately?

However, the worst right now, probably because this seems to have now become routine, is this: am I doing my daughter a disservice by not worrying about the *several* nights she falls asleep at the breast before in her crib for night-night? I mean, almost any book you read on parenting or children says this - "Put your child down soothed and ready for bed but *absolutely, positively* NEVER EVER EVER EVER (did you get that? Ok. Just wanted to make sure) put them to bed already asleep." My only problem is, no matter how awake she seems to be while bathing her, lotioning and giving a baby massage, and feeding her during the nightly routine, she almost always falls asleep while eating. I whistle. I rub her feet. I talk to her. I clear my throat (not sure why but it wakes her EVERY. TIME). OUT. LIKE. A. LIGHTBULB.

She doesn't wake in the MOTN screaming because mommy was there and now she's not. At least, not yet. And should that begin, then I guess we'll be searching for methods to nip that in the bud, which also means I'll be searching high and low to solutions to her not falling asleep at the breast.

*sigh*

These doubts seem to be the story of the rest of my life. I know I will never live without them completely, all thanks to my wonderful sinful nature. And so I am thankful I have a God who allows me to come to Him covered in my "doubt burs". And He so graciously talks me through them, all the while lovingly removing them. He desires for me to trust Him so they never return. And yet, He never turns me away if they do; unfortunately, they do at times.

What an opportunity to trust Him. I pray constantly I will continue to see this as an opportunity to live as Christ while here on this earth. 

Moby Wrap to Save the DAY!

Oh Moby!

How I have fallen for you! I do believe we have begun a long term relationship. If you continue to step up how you did this morning, we just might save my sanity and bring it back home. You will also make a treasure out of what once was my precious baby's hours of lost naptime.

And dear friend, you will get a rest as well, for my little love bug is trained well in night time sleep. You will see few dawns as God has graciously aided her in learning there is no wake time between her dream feed and 6 A.M.

In only a few hours time I noted you gave me back my hands, Zoë her sleep, and peace of mind for us all! I pray this was no tease.

Your Newest Admirer,

Zoë's Mommy

Holding Me Up

"Find You on my Knees" - Kari Jobe

Troubles chasing me again,
Breaking down my best defense, I'm looking, God, I'm looking for you Weary just won't let me rest and fear is filling up my head. I'm longing, God I'm longing for you

[Refrain] But I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end, Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness. You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty, When I am weak, when I am lost and searching I'll find you on my knees.
So what if sorrow shakes my faith, What if heartache still remains, I'll trust you, my God I'll trust you. 'Cause You are faithful and
[Refrain]
When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong When the pain is real, when it's hard to heal When my faith is shaken and my heart is broken and my joy is stolen, God I know that
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
[Refrain]

You can watch the music video here.

I find myself praying these words. Praying that despite amidst all the emotions I feel with being a new mom that God will be by anchor. That though my heart is feeling the loss that comes with this amazing newness He will be in the midst of it all guiding my every step so that His glory will shine through. That while I'm on my knees in the midst of all the changes life is bringing currently I will find Him there.

Being a mom is hard in these new days. I have a wonderful daughter who is honestly a very content baby. Easy compared to some. And yet I find myself overwhelmed with sadness from the changes this has meant for my relationship with Ben. I even find myself selfishly angry as I grieve over my loss of freedom. Some grief over the loss is normal but I am definitely battling flesh. I also find myself feeling very alone. The days are monotonous and very isolating. Even being around people does not change this loneliness.

Oh what a wonderous place God has me in! That I continue to seek and find Him in this place is my longing, my hope. This is where He wants me. May I find Him here.

Baby Life

I'm sitting in my kitchen listening to the baby monitor pick up the sound from Zoë's sound machine, aka white noise to block out other sound. :) Life has changed. Drastically.

I knew it would. I was not under any assumption this would be easy. So I mentally did my best to prepare myself for the pending change I knew would be knocking at my door faster than lightning.

But nothing prepares you for this. No amount of time you spend reading books, journaling, conversing about it with others ever prepares you. You can say you're ready, but the truth is, if you believe you're actually ready, you're most certainly not. To honestly say "I'm ready" means you understand amidst the blissful moments of a newborn and the wonderful moments as you raise them, there will be moments to try you in every possible way and many a time they come when you are most fatigued.

Writing this makes me think of my hospital discharge: I will never forget the look on Ben's face as the nurse was "educating" us on being open and honest with how we felt and if ever we found ourselves in a place where we thought we might harm our child to put distance between you and them (of course make sure baby is in a safe place) and call someone immediately - do not take it out on your baby and shake them. That last part was a shocker to Ben. He stared at me with an indescribable expression which had mixed in there a "I can't even imagine doing that to Zoë". He had never heard of such a thing. (Shaken Baby Syndrome is serious. Read about it here)

Needless to say the frustration I had felt as we worked through one of our toughest battles with breastfeeding, I found myself in a place where I felt the feelings I'm sure are attached to those who have actually carried out shaking their baby. As I laid a screaming Zoë on the floor to gather myself before I picked her up again I kept thinking, "Dear Lord, I need your strength!"

That is what will get me through the tough spots. That is what will help me to be the best mommy to my little girl (gah! I still can't believe I am a mom!). That is what will allow me to have peace when there is none physically :) That is what will allow me to enjoy the sweet moments I have and cherish them despite my frustration. I hope I will never forget that.