Merry Christmas...

...from our home to yours! (And, yes, I do realize I am a day late, but better late than never, in my opinion.)

*photo is courtesy of Lindsey March Photography (The link is to her blog. I don't think she has a photography specific website.)*

I hope and pray everyone was able to enjoy their holiday yesterday! May this time of year be a reminder of what great love Jesus has for us and may we not forget His birth was all so that He might die so we might have eternity with Him!

May I Always Be Your Beloved

Let me preface this post: you are getting a glimpse into my relationship with Ben. It is entirely a letter to him, mind you nothing as personal as I would write in a private letter to him, but a treasure for me to keep, though I'd like to think this is for him. I just can't help but to write reminders of the love growing between us and to shout it out how worth my time working on a relationship with him is. No, I'm not about to paint a picture of all rainbows and butterflies (and no, I have never dreamed of a world where we all eat rainbows and poop butterflies. Anyone else know what I'm talking about? Oh well...Ben will :]), but I most certainly want to commemorate each year spent with my man. And so to that affect, feel free to read on, or don't. I take no offense at your decision. That is, of course, as long as your name isn't Ben and you're not married to me. (Love you, Ben! :])

THREE years! I can't believe it...time really does fly and I guess all the changes we've faced in the last three years only make time pass even more quickly, yet slowly at the same time.

From our Engagement Session. Photo courtesy of my good friend Sarah.

 I mean, we knew God had intertwined our lives together. The above photo a mere replica of a story I'll never forget after you proposed: the way we both found it strange your mom would ask us to pose with our backs to each other and we, without discussing it at all, both posed like this when we obliged. Ahh, yes: perfect. It was just further proof of how, from the outside, we appeared perfect for one another.

Another Engagement shot taken by my bestie Sarah :)

And yet, this journey we started, really a little over four years ago, isn't all happy moments like people think this photo is. (They don't realize the difficulty of pulling said photo off and some of the grumblings that went with it. Unless of course they have tried to be the models for a photo of this sort.) Which brings me to the thought of all the difficulties, trials, changes, arguments, losses, wins, joys, sorrows, and many other aspects or situations which comprise our relationship: our beautifully broken, constantly on the mend, hard work put in relationship.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Sure, the answer to being asked if I want to throw in the towel would be yes on some days. Those days harder than I could imagine, because who knew what we would struggle with; certainly, I had no way to know exactly what murky or dangerous waters we would have to navigate. My humanness gets the best of me and I wonder who is this enemy I thought a friend. How could I live with someone like you?

Then I'm reminded: how can you live with someone like ME?

When I turn it back to me I realize but for the grace of God. Love is a daily choice, sometimes easy, sometimes hard. Love means stepping out on a limb that could possibly break leaving me to free fall for who knows how many feet. Yet it is one of the best risks I have ever taken in my life.

When I think of the joy of becoming a parent, the deep grief of losing a child, the hardships brought by moving to a new city, let alone across state lines, the venting from any arisen family hardships, the sharing of every. little. piece. of. life. together, I'd rather no one but you. Not because you are perfect, but because where you are strong I am weak, where I am weak, you are strong, and where we both lack the Lord shows and reminds us just how awesome He is. Not because life with you is easy, but because life with you is oh so sweet and bonded more through all the hardships we face. Not because of any other reason than God has blessed me with the gift of living life with you. And a blessing indeed it is! Not because all you do is tell me how great I am, but because you challenge me in ways I know no one else to do, you call me up and remind me to keep my focus on the Cross.

I'll say it again...

...I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I know on the scale of newlyweds versus old marrieds (or whatever you want to call it when we reach those years where people are in awe of the amount of time we've lived together and stuck with it), we are but newlyweds. Three years is small in a grand scheme of hoping we make it to 50 years and, Lord-willing, 75. The trials we have faced may be nothing compared to what we will. The choices we have ahead of us, well, only the Lord knows what we will be face.

But there is one thing I do know about all those years to come:

I want Song of Solomon 2:16 to be true of our lives. I want to always smile when someone asks me about the tattoo on my left wrist. I want to always joyfully say, "Well, my husband can explain it better than I can but..." or "Hey, Ben, would you mind coming to explain this," then turn to the person and say, "My husband knows Hebrew really well. He does a great job of explaining it." (Yes. I actually brag about your Biblical Hebrew knowledge any time someone asks about my tattoo.) Plus, then we have to put our wrists together to show them: a reminder we are two but one. I want the tattoo on my wrist to bring joy to my heart knowing it reminds me of the commitment I made to you before God and a gathering of family and friends that I have kept for however many years. To say the words, "I am my beloveds and my beloved belongs to me," and know we have been through fire and back only to have been made stronger, refined.

Yes. That is what I hope for. Pray for. See in our future as long a we continue to pursue our Creator.

I love you, Ben! I am so thankful for the three years we have been given! Here's to many, many more!

May I Always be Your Beloved,

Megan

Weekly Letters

Dear Ben, this week hasn't been near as bad as I expected. I'm still no fan of your weird schedule which has you home late some days and early others, but can I really complain about it considering your early days are Thursday and Friday? The change in your schedule makes it way hard to eat as a family every night, but I am grateful you wait to eat when you arrive home so we can spend time as a family. I have a feeling this will be extremely important once Aubrey has arrived. Sometimes my fears of the difficulties make me wish we lived close to my mom, but I'm so grateful for these opportunities for us to build our relationship and our family, to begin to form tight bonds early on and hopefully continue until He calls us home. Love you best friend!

My Sweet, Dear Zoë, you are growing too fast. Would you please slow down just for a moment? I blink and it seems you've grown again, not just in stature but in the way you are interacting with life. Of course, you are building quite the will, beginning to pull against me when I'm asking you for something you need to give back to me. (This is usually because somehow your little curiosity has found an object I wasn't aware you can get.) And yet, as your will grows, so does your sweet spirit. I mean, how can I not melt when you walk up to my belly, pat it, and wave while uttering the cutest "hi" or "hello" (pronounced "allo") to Aubrey. Oh and when you say her name, every now and then you sort of get the "r" in there, but usually you say "Auby". I want to squish you when you say it; you're so stinking cute! Also, you completely made my day on Tuesday: I asked for a hug, which you willing gave one of your best, longest, sweetest hugs ever. As I was smoochying your cheek (can't get enough of those baby cheeks while you still have them :]), you freely gave me a sweet, sweet kiss. Ahhh!!! You may have a free will and really want to do what you want, but deep inside of you, even in the hard moments, is this heart filled with a sweetness. You are precious! I love you!

Dear Aubrey, I feel you move consistently now. I wonder if you're going to be a little ball of energy or it's just you trying to get comfortable. Also, I'm pretty sure you've had the hiccups several times this week. You must be practicing swallowing a lot in there. Wish I could see you open and close your mouth, but I know I'll get plenty of that once you're in my arms. I cannot believe I'm now closer to holding you than I am to the beginning of carrying you. Yikes! It simultaneously makes me excited and freak out as I haven't done much to "plan" for your arrival. Don't worry, we will be ready before you come as long as you don't surprise us! Keep growing strong, sweet girl! Mommy (and Daddy - he talks to you quite frequently - and Zoë too) all can't wait to meet you. I love you!

Dear Fall Weather, thank you for showing your face. I mean, seriously! - this is glorious! I'm not much of a fan of the fact the day warms up and I could be ok in shorts again by noon, but I am so grateful to wake up to a crisp feeling in my room and to open the door to be greeted by the cool morning air. Ahhhh!! Please, do not pack your bags. You are welcome here!

Dear Tapestry Group, I am thoroughly enjoying getting to know all you ladies. And though this may seem so very trivial, I am still excited we all decided we'd love to take our time working through Luke. Weight. off. the. shoulders! Now I feel as though I can dig a little deeper, not feel so rushed. And just the life we are living together, getting to know one another little bits, so fun! The dynamics of our group make me giggle with glee. And I must say I love we are all in different stages of life. So much to learn from each other. I know our year as barely begun, but I'm already looking forward to each meeting. I feel God has great things in store for us!

Dear Allergies, Go away! I'm sick of randomly sneezing, especially while eating. It is no fun! So if you would please pack up and let me enjoy the wonderful weather without your hindrance, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

Dear Worry, I would like you to note you had no foot hold this week. God has been good and He is faithful. I am choosing to place all trust in His sovereign hand with Aubrey and the many other struggles in my path lately. Peace flows over me, taking me captive. You attempt to come in, but you're given nothing more than an opportunity to knock at the door. So while I know my struggle with you will not be over until I am praising God for all eternity, I would like you to note, you have currently lost this battle. And the war, oh, well...it's already won!

Great and Faithful Daddy, I am still basking in Your goodness, Your mercy, Your love shown to me in this past week! I have no words yet my heart wants to cry out, "YOU alone are good!!!" Thank you! You did not have to show me such favor at my appointment. You could have chosen this to be yet another trial to walk through, to trust You in, and while I still must choose to trust You in this wonderfully blessed area of my life, to have already seen Your sovereign hand go before me....THANK YOU!!

Oh, How Wrong Was I?

But, I was wrong. (Well...if that wasn't a bit obvious, but still. Had to try for good measure :)

Because you see, Ben is very sneaky. And very forward.

After our only two real, conversation-invoking encounters, he knew he was attracted. So when I lost my phone, he was quick to hand out his phone.

And boy did God orchestrate which phone I took. I mean, I could have cared less which phone, I just needed one. And both Ben and Shane shoved their phones out for me to use. Yet, I grabbed Ben's.

I thought nothing of it and just enjoyed the company of lots of people as we continued to hang out that afternoon once the move was complete.

And though both of our brains are a little fuzzy on when he first texted me, we do know that there was at least almost a weeks time between his opporutnity to save my number and contacting me. Which was even more reason for me to believe that I had either heard God's voice wrong or Ben wasn't listening to God's voice. Either way, I thought for sure we'd never end up in a relationship.

(Side note: I wasn't pouting or anything over Ben not contacting me. And it wasn't like I had this perfect plan in my mind of how it would work. I just couldn't imagine how if from being around each other those two full days and some throughout the week, including a 2 1/2 hour conversation between just us after the group had gone to a movie, he wasn't asking for my number or trying to find ways to contact me [he was on FB back in those days] so that we could build a friendship, I saw no possibility for a dating relationship ever forming.)

And then sometime in the two weeks after the first move, I got a text. From Ben.

(Ummm...I'm starting to realize how fuzzy dates are and I think I need to correct what I've written in the other posts. We know for sure that we met Super Bowl Sunday in February 2009. However, as I think more about time frame, I'm also thinking that I was wrong in saying we moved his sister early March '09. I'm pretty sure that happened sometime in February. But exactly when, well it's all just some fuzzy dates now that don't matter.)

And we started hanging out. He would ask me over to watch Heroes. And would seek me out when our group of friends were together.

The more he sought me out, the more I knew in my spirit that I had heard God's voice right and indeed we would end up together if we kept pursuing Him.

And then, it happened.

Our church Youth Music & Drama program was putting on a production of Les Misérables. I had asked Ben's sister and her husband to join me and the rest of my family. They said yes and ended up inviting Ben, who also said yes. I had already planned on riding with Ben's sister and since we were all going to be together they asked Ben if he wanted to meet up with us too.

Thus we all enjoyed one another's company to the play, enjoyed the play, and then decided to enjoy some IHOP afterwards.  (Oh, my! Typing that makes me want to go eat there. right. now!) By the time all was said and done, it was midnight when we got back to our cars and were about to head off.

But, Ben just couldn't keep his mouth shut ;) (Since many of you have not met Ben in person, I will elighten you: he is a talker. Much more so than my family likes to joke about me talking. However, I only talk when I'm comfortable. Ben...well, he can orrate long speals to anyone who will listen. And yes, I love and hate him for it :) And so we stood their talking for only God knows how long.

I was getting ready to say I needed to leave when Ben started getting a little awkward with his talking. I stood there wondering if I knew what he was going to say, but just waiting for him to say whetever it was he had to say. At the end of whatever he said, (no...i don't remember everything he said.) he asked me out.

And even though I had sworn I would never (Yeah...don't ever test God with that word. He will prove you wrong.) date anyone again who I hadn't known for longer than and been friends with for two years, I was the happiest girl on the planet in that moment.

Everything became fast after that: a few short months after we'd been dating he told me he loved me, though we have both said that sometimes we wish he'd have waited just a little longer. A few more months and we started talking about the idea of marriage and how that would play out with him finishing school and finding a job. And only 9 months after we started dating (Yep. It was short.), he popped the question, which though isn't a long story, will be saved for a post all it's own.

We planned our wedding over a 10 month period and the rest is history. We'll hit 3 years this coming October. And while marriage is hard and sometimes I want to flee like I'm trying to escape a plague (Just being honest here guys.), I wouldn't trade being married to Ben for the world. I love him more than I did yesterday, and as a general rule of thumb love the memories we make together.

And that is our story.

Defeated

So by now, you may think I'm crazy. I mean my last post on Ben's and my story unveiled a pretty crazy detail. (If you're just starting, I would recommend you read the back story, followed by the first part of our story.)

Honestly, I kind of thought I was crazy and maybe I had heard God's voice wrong. But, I kept on with life as normal.

And I just realized that I should back track a bit.

You see, Ben came back from a several week mission stint in China the Summer I moved to Baton Rouge. And he came back praying about going back to China for a year. However, shortly after school started up that Fall semester, he found out that if he didn't finish his degree by May 2010, he would not be able to earn it. Something about the Dean hadn't been keeping up with the accreditation for Art Education and so the program would be no more as of May 2010. When he found this information out, he felt God telling him to finish out the degree, rather than move forward with China at that time.

Had Ben gone to China, we likely would have never met. He would have been gone later that Fall semester. Which would have meant he wouldn't have shown up at the Super Bowl party that fine February of 2009. And the outfit my little sis insisted I wear wouldn't have left an impression on him along with my personality. (And yes, Ben still knows what I wore to that party. Ha!)

After that meeting, we really only saw each other in a quick passing by at church or me asking him where the other girls were sitting. I began to think I was ludicrous for ever thinking that we'd possibly be meant for one another. (I don't know a better statement to use, but I don't believe in the whole there is only one person in the universe you are made for. The person you are supposed to be with is the person you marry. Long story short.)

And then we both helped move his sister and her husband. It was a two weekend commitment because they had to move out of their old apartment, but the new apartment wasn't ready until the next weekend.

The first weekend in March of 2009 I spent plenty of time getting to know Ben, though it had nothing to do with me trying to pry my way into his life. I needed a ride and my original ride was cram full of stuff. Shane, who picked up on the fact I needed a ride, quickly piped up and asked me to ride with him and Ben. There was lots of laughter to be had by all and the multiple trips taken from the old apartment to Ben and Celeste's parents passed quickly.

Once the job was done, Ben's parents hosted all of us at there home for lunch as a thank you for helping. During the meal, I needed my phone, but couldn't find it even though it had recently been sitting on the table. When I asked for a phone so I could call it, Ben and Shane both shoved their phones into my face. I grabbed one, called my phone, and found it was in my chair.

Score: Blonde Moment - 1, Megan - 0.

Though I spent time riding around in Ben's truck as the group was hanging out, I went home that evening thinking that it would never work. Our paths would never be going the same direction. And I was honestly ok with that.

Praying for Him: His Identity

Over a 30 week period, which I began on the blog with an intro on May 1st (so, 31 if you count the intro), I will be doing a weekly series where I talk about my journey through Stormie Omartian's Power of  a Praying Wife. I felt led to pray for my husband and wanted to incorporate the book, especially because I'm new to specifically and fervently praying for my husband and had no clue where to begin, but knew that doing a 30 day challenge was next to impossible. (Stormie challenges wives to do a chapter/day and there are 30 chapters.) Let's face it: life with a baby just-turned-Toddler changes constantly and there are still nights with many wake up calls due to teething or illness. I'd already tried once and failed.  So this series was born as a way to share, encourage, and hold me accountable to the commitment I made but also keep it within reach. I'll keep a list of links on each post so you can easily access them all. Enjoy! (Oh and please NOTE: anything about Ben has been ok'd by him to post before I ever do. If he isn't ok with it, it never meets your eyes.)

Week 1: Intro     Week 2: Starting with Me
___________________________________________________________

"For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" - Jesus (Matthew 16:26 NASB)

As this week seemed to be wrapped around my husband's identity (aka his work - I'll explain a bit more later), I thought it only appropriate to start with this verse.

(But because my mind seems to be ever rabbit trailing these days, I'm going to interject for a moment. Yes, I'm interrupting myself. Very uncouth. I'm aware.

Anyway...

Actually...

I'm gonna get back to the topic at hand and will write a seperate post with an awesome experience I had while praying this week. I'll try to get it up sometime next week. And back to the original intent of this post.)

Ok.

So I thought it appropriate to start there. Why?

Well, one of my initial thoughts in praying for my husband's job wrapped around this idea: I've heard people confess before that they are afraid to pray for the job because they are afraid asking his job be blessed means wealth and wealth will be their undoing. I've also heard people confess the exact antithesis of my first sentence: praying for their husbands job because they want a lot of wealth and to be free of any financial difficulty (read: selfish gain). And honestly, I've been guilty of both. 

This was not what I wanted to be doing after I read the title: His Work. (I must admit I am loving how Stormie keeps the chapter titles so simple. Easy to remember!) I also knew that after reading the intro and first topic this was likely not where Stormie would be going with it. At least, the intent behind actually praying would not be for selfish gain and thus it would trample out the fear to be praying his job be blessed.

I treaded lightly into this week wondering what I might learn, asking God to open my eyes to how this might truly benefit my husband. And in just a few short paragraphs, I knew that I would constantly be thanking Him for the gift of His Spirit who intercedes for me with words when I have none (see Romans 8:26).

Why?

I guess you need a bit of a back story, so let me be open with you: I married a could-be-workaholic. (read: it's a constant battle. One that seems to win at times, but not at others.)

One of the many fears I battle was and is to have a workaholic husband, who though loved me and my child (and any subsequent children) greatly, loved his work more. Maybe out of fear. Maybe out of enjoyment. I could really care less the reason, but it has always been one of my greatest fears because in my mind a marriage can only go downhill from there. I'm not quite sure where I ever got this mental image, but I have it. And I constantly have to set it at the foot of the cross trusting that He has a far greater plan than what I may be able to see at the time.

And before you get any ideas, please understand: Ben is a wonderful husband. He knows that he could become a workaholic. We're open and honest about how we're feeling about that. We revisit the topic on a pretty frequent basis. No, we don't beat a dead horse with a stick. We just make sure we're on the same page and both feeling good about where we are with it. He does his very best to make sure that he shows me he cares and loves both me and Zoë more than his job. He does his best to battle that drive in himself. (read: he prays about it. And from the prayers he has said with me, I'm guessing he prays about it a lot.)

So I treaded lightly. (And in the back of my mind, and heart, I can hear 1 John 4:18, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.")

But, lo and behold, Stormie must have been lighted on by the Spirit when she wrote this chapter (Umm...at least it seems she was for me in this time), because only a few paragraphs in I read this: "What causes a man to go to either extreme [laziness vs. workaholism] can be, oddly enough, the same reason: fear. That's because a man's identity is often very tied up in his work." (PoPW p. 50)

You guys, call me crazy, but I had another "light bulb" or "Aha!" moment when I read this. Not because I haven't heard this before, but because in that moment I knew what I would be praying for when it came to my husband's job.

Yes, I would (and will) be praying that God bless the work of his hands.

Yes, I would be praying that he find the balance between laziness (I'm not sure that I really ever fear seeing him as lazy, but it's still good to pray against it) and workaholism.

Yes, I would be praying that he constantly seek God's will in his work. That he would be living so deep in the heart of God he would not waiver in knowing that he was fulfilling the purpose God had paved for him.

But most importantly, I would praying for his identity, and that he would find it in God. Not his job, because above all of the other details I would be praying for, if Ben doesn't find his identity in Christ, he will lose the battle he faces with working his hind end off.

And the fear I had of praying it be blessed and what we would do with money should it come flowing in one day or the selfish gain that cluttered my heart when I did find myself brave enough to pray dissipated. No, I'm not perfect. Yes, I will still struggle with both I am sure. Yet, greater than the fear or selfish gain is a desire to see my husband pursue his First Love, to find himself only when he is in Him, and out of that love for God would be a worshipful attitude exuded in and permeating his work.

Thus in essence, I would be praying for his job. I'm beginning to see that prayer is very cyclical. It's all wrapped up in one minute, yet heavily profound, detail: finding identity in God.

On a bit of a lighter note, I was also reminded of two needs guys typically see their job as a means to acheive: appreciation and winning.

Though I haven't talked with Ben about whether he feels appreciation and a sense of "winning" from our relationship recently, I do know this: I want him to feel more appreciated and like he's won at home than at work. And even greater than that: in his relationship with the Lord. So I found myself praying and asking God to help me see how I can make him feel appreciated. And how I can make him feel a sense of "I'm winning."

Funny, I found myself walking in on tip-toes and leaving feeling like I just finished a good ocean plunge. You know the one: you're out deep in the surf allowing waves to wash over you and you just bask in that feeling of letting go. Fear mixed with adrenaline. (Well, I describe it like that because I've met some pretty crazy waves in Tobago - a tiny island 8 miles off Trinidad's coast - and I've been pulled by the under tow of a huge Florida gulf wave only to see my life literally flash before my eyes as I wonder if I'm going to make it for fresh air or if my time has come.) Yep. That's how I'd describe it.

Quite a thrill. Much more than I expected, and boy am I glad it was.

Next week I'll be talking about my week of praying for his finances. Who knows what that will look like. God is continually surprising me.

This Weekend, I [v. 4]

I was going to write another memory down, another gift to cherish but my mind won't stop racing. Anything and everything flashes across it.

I can barely keep my eyes focused on this screen.

So because my mind can only barely bullet, I'm going to link up with Sar for a nice This weekend, I.

Yes. That sounds wonderful.


This weekend, I enjoyed yet another weekend of Ben being off on Saturday. I'm telling you, if we can keep this up I'm really not going to like when he has to work on a Saturday again. But, hopefully that will be a long time coming. Hopefully.

This weekend, I went on a "date" with the hubs. Yes, he asked me out on a date. This means we spend intentional time together after Zoë goes down because let's face it: we're not raking in the dough. We're just starting off. (Sometimes, I feel weird saying that because we have a baby. It's almost like that weird pre-teen stage where you wanna say you're a teenager but you're really not. Yeah. That's kind of how it makes me feel. Classifications. They're funny things.) And so we played monopoly. He really wanted to do something more, but after he realized we have 0 candles (yes. shoot me now! we've lived in too many homes that didn't allow them and now we have no room for them.)...well, let's just say he's planning a romantic home dinner for another day and time. Props to him for the thought though!

This weekend, I enjoyed relaxing around the home and watching Ben interact with Zoë. It's always fun for me to see her interact with him.

This weekend, I was given some of the prettiest Orchids that will hopefully allow me to enjoy them for many years to come. I'm all about a gift that keeps giving, especially when it comes to flowers.

This weekend, I was given a pretty hilarious mother's day card, which helped me find the sweet part of the day for myself. It was a very bittersweet day for me.

This weekend, I went grocery shopping. That's actually kind of a norm. A little boring? Maybe. But Ben and I enjoy doing it together and making it a family outing. It definitely makes it more enjoyable and easier for me because: 1) I am no fan of grocery shopping and 2) I have another set of hands to keep Zoë occupied. I might need to change that up a bit, though I would hate doing it at night because parking here is ridciulous (read: if you arrive in our parking lot after 5 pm, you might just be walking a mile from the back of the complex.) and sometimes I'm just no fan of taking Zoë with me. It takes twice as long and I already don't like it. Clearly, I need to get over one of my hang ups here. Clearly.

This weekend, I, on more than one occasion, found myself whispering these words to my Zoë: "I'm so glad that you made me a mommy." Another priceless positive I clung to when I found myself becoming sad.

This weekend, our entire little family was invited to enjoy lunch with some new friends we've made at our church. I'm so excited that we are starting to get plugged in. I also love this family. The mom is so sweet and I really feel like I could connect with her. Also, they have three boys which always makes me giggle inside to see them interact. It gives me a slight glimpse into the future of Lindsey with her three. (Baby Tyler, we cannot wait to meet you! You will change us all for the better.)

Memory Monday v. 18

I want to cherish for a lifetime the way my husband opts to clean the dishes. Many, many nights.

Maybe it seems funny that this is what I'm thinking about and trying to will myself to cherish at the moment, but the truth is, I don't cherish it near the way that I should.

Oh, sure, I'm so very glad that he usually offers to help clean them, but I don't appreciate it to it's full extenet. I take it for granted. The way I take many other important parts of my life for granted. And because I'm not the best at giving myself grace and loving myself, how much harder is it for me to accept it from someone who genuinely loves me.

So I find little lies being whispered in my ear.

And I believe them.

Which only leads me to not fully embrace this loving act my husband so graciously bestows on me.

Maybe I shouldn't find this funny: that I'm willing myself to cherish this.

Maybe this is all part of praying for my husband, which just happens to be focusing on praying for his wife...me. At least, that is the focus for this week.

(And let me tell you, I'm having some eye-opening realizations. You can read more about that on Wednesday.)

Anyway...

I want this forever stamped somewhere I can see it to be reminded that many times it is the little things in life. And it's finding what you do have versus looking at the different flowers you don't have that are just on the other side of your fence. Because, let's face it: those flowers always looks better than yours. (Yeah. I changed it. Kind of tired of "the grass is greener" adage.)

We want what we don't have.

We find faults with what we do.

And unless we take the time to hone in on the good of what we do have, pray for what we desire, and know that if we never get it, God has far better in store that didn't include what we thought we needed, we'll always be able to find a way to miserable in the middle of our pansie garden if we see tulips just past our reach.

Hopefully, I'll remember this when I'm somehow finding a way to be angry with whatever my husband isn't doing I so wish he would.

Hello, Friday!

Linking up with Lauren Elizabeth for High Five for Friday!

1. This photo about sums up my last two weeks, but even more so, this past week in general. Needless to say, I'm so thankful that it is Friday and will *hopefully* be completely done with a majority of these, minus the ol' faithful allergy meds, on Monday. Yes, I am glad it is Friday. 2. Which brings me to this: I actually am going to have a normal weekend! What is normal, you ask? My husband isn't working on Saturday which means we get to hang out as a family, I may or may not get to go grocery shopping alone (somehow, grocery shopping always falls on the weekend), and I'm not fully carrying the load parenting Zoë all on my own for two days. Yay! (Don't get me wrong. I absolutely, 100%, L.O.V.E. my daughter. Yet, as much as I love her, I need a break sometimes. SAHM is a full time job that is very wearing. Just like any good ol' job!)
3. Because my Sweet Pea and I just couldn't stay contained any longer, we finally went and got everything she should need, clothing wise, for fun in the Sun! I think a little 90 degree day kind of helped push us to make sure we have all our gear. And no, that isn't two bottoms. The cherry and flower bottom is a reusable swim diaper. Genius! The hat...I so hope she'll keep it on because otherwise, we'll be dealing with a good case of sunburned scalp. Ouch! 4. I no picture for this one, but it's a little difficult with a 13 month old getting in your face whenever you pull out the camera: reading has been a priority this week. Zoë has crawled up to me on too many occasions to count with book in hand, ready to read with me. Some weeks include this more so than others. This week was a high "I love books" week. Oh and sometimes, she has to read to me. In jibber jabber. Of course! Melts. my. heart!


5. This cutie patootie had a little photo shoot with me on Wednesday. I was trying to capture her outfit to show my sister. This shows just a bit of the antics I get when I pull out the camera and she allows her inner-diva and sillyness to shine. Such. a. ham! (Oh and don't let this fool you. We had a chair between us. It is the only reason I was able to capture this. Ha!)

What five things would you use to sum up your week?

An Old Journal Entry

To say the last half of this week has been a tough one feels like an understatement.

For starters, I'm really beginning to feel extremely disconnected from those around me. Feeling like I'm doing life all by my lonesome, in which I know that isn't true because my Creator always walks through life with me as long as I foster my relationship with him. But I just can't shake the disconnected feeling.

The move is really starting to ware on me. I'm really starting to miss my friends I had back in Baton Rouge. Not that we haven't stayed connected, but it's just not the same when you don't get face time with them. (Um...kind of hate that Apple had to steal that saying for their version of Skype. But I still love Apple. Just sayin'.)

Then the hubs and I have been wading through some dangerous waters. And that thought is extremely sobering when I consider how, at this time, it's mostly because of me and my struggles. He has been a trooper and extremely understanding. He is such a catch and I'm so blessed to have him!

To add to the fun times going on around here, Zoë and I have come down with a cold. No fever, so I know it's not the flu. But let me tell you, I feel pretty beat. Quite under the weather. And she's pretty fussy about it. Yet, she doesn't want to quit playing even though she's pretty dead beat.

However, the part that I'm really striving to shoo out the door would be working towards getting this particular bumpy road behind the hubs and I.

I really felt God telling me to flip through some of my old journals. In an effort to better understand myself and possibly even shine some light on what is actually going on. So I did. It did help, but what I really loved about it was this little gem I found: an entry from the summer of 2008.

I don't quite remember what caused me to write it, but it still hit home with how I frequently feel in regards to how we, and by we I'm specifically talking about those who say they believe in Christ as Lord and Savior, treat our relationship with Christ. Please understand, this is a vast marginalization of Christ followers, yet I do believe we have all been in a place closely resembling what I wrote.

We've created a tameable Jesus. A Jesus who "captures" people with entertainment. A Jesus who does exactly what you tell him and want of him.

We're not interested in the Jesus who requires us to brave the uncomfortable. The Jesus who turns tables over in righteous anger or asks you to leave certainty behind. We can't stand the Jesus who allows poverty, war, hatred and injustice to continue their hold on humanity.

We either want him to let us stay comfortable while waiting on us hand and foot or we want him to take revenge on those who hurt us. We demand all of this on our time frame.

And if he "can't", then we throw him away like a used paper towel ready to move on to the new and improved - fluffier and more absorbent paper towel. Sometimes he is even the next paper towel we use until we find, yet again, he is completely used.

Maybe he is the 100% recyclable savior; at least, it appears that is what we have made him to be. The big problem, though, then becomes that he isn't as satisfying or usable with each new recycling. And all those miracles we want performed cannot be done at all by something that has the affects of reusable written all over it.

Can you honestly consider these descriptions of Jesus to encompass him as omnipotent? If he's doing what we demand and filling the description of this entertaining, soft, all-loving-but-kill-my-enemies god then can he really be as powerful as he has said he is?

Not only that but none of these descriptions no where near accurately fit who Jesus was as seen throughout scripture.

He wasn't safe: he touched lepers (see Matthew 8:3), contradicted all major religious leaders of his time (see Luke 7:36-39 and Mark 3:1-6, to name a couple), he visited tax collectors (see Luke 19:1-10), among numerous other things.

He wasn't tameable: he rebuked the leaders every time they threw laws in his face (see Mark 2:23-28), he befriended everyone (see Matthew 9:9-13), he spent 40 days in the desert fasting and we know for certain was tempted after (see Matthew 4:1-11), he spoke truth whether blatant or in parable. (I'm not going to post a link for this last part. It's all throughout the gospels [Matthew, Mark, Luke and John] and easy to find.)

He wasn't comfortable: he came to earth while giving up heaven (see John 1:1-18), he was born in a lowly estate (see specifically Luke 2:7, though I love the entire chapter), he wasn't mainstream (see John 6:41-66).

To limit him by what we think or believe he should be is to say he isn't as powerful as he's said or shown through his death and resurrection.

That last statement gives me reason to pause. To think about how I treat my relationship with him. To grieve over how broken I am and yet many times continue to live on my own strength. To grieve over the thought that I have tried to make Jesus fit in my perfect box so I can carry him around like a display for all to see, when it isn't about me. It was never supposed to be about me.

And if I try to live like it's about me and what I can do, how then can he be glorified in and through me?

It was a good reminder for myself that I thought I would share with you because, let's face it, in some form or fashion we have tried to fit Jesus into whatever mold we desire him to. And that is not what I desire.

And yet, I don't have to remain grieving. I am given reason to lift my head so I might fix my eyes on the Cross and use the grief to push me closer to him. To search for his words of life on how I can live wholly for him.

My God-sized Dreams Buddy

So I've been participating in the God-sized Dreams series.

Before I really get into what this post is about, I must say Holley has really been writing some posts and wrote The "Do What You Can Plan": 21 Days to Making Any Area of Your Life Better which have both been giving me plenty to chew on spiritually. Sometimes I wish I could just fully give myself to the tide that wants to take me. Get lost in it. Spend ours absorbing everything that I can learn.

And yet, even though I'm unable to spend hours, God is blessing the bits of time I'm able to give.

It's so worth it to pursue "God-sized Dreams", you guys. I would love it if you would join. And if not, well, I'm taking this journey.

Which leads me to what the link-up is really all about today: my God-sized Dreams buddy.

I am so glad that I can call my hubby my God-sized dreams buddy.

Because honestly, long before this series ever got started, he has been dreaming God-sized dreams with me. And to this day, he still helps hold me accountable for those dreams that pertain to my life and bettering me as a child of God. But he also sits with me and talks about the hopes and dreams God has planted and wondering what will come of those and what purpose those serve and what steps we can take now to pursue them.

The list never ends.

Though we drive each other crazy at times, we're easily each others best and closest friend. I can definitely say he knows me better than even my closest girl friends.

He helps me get a grasp on situations in my life that need light shed on them. He is iron sharpening iron for me spurring me on in a closer walk with Christ. He encourages me when I pursue a God-sized dream that I feel may be a bit wimpy yet scares me enough to make me feel like I'm going to wet myself.

And so because of all that I have said and more, I chose my hubby to be my God-sized Dreams buddy. For even when this series comes to an end, as I expect it will, he will still be there by my side hoping and praying with me as I continue to embark in seeking God and all the dreams He has for me.

Rolling in the New Year...

...on a fail!

Well...I would say so. You see, I've been wanting to update my blog template and in the mean time, I was just going to revert it back to some random, unoriginal blogger template.

So I started up a TESTER blog. One where I could leave my actual blog untouched, all the while seeing what the templates actually look like. Because let's face it: I'm a planner with some things, and when it comes to this blog, well, I like to know what it's gonna look like to someone else before I project it out to the WWW.

And you wanna know what happened?

Those three measly posts I made, on a whim, brought in 42 hits to the hours old testing site. HA!

While this lil' ol' blog: 17.

Yes, please, hold your applause! I might just start asking for sponsors!

(All joking aside, I'm seriously NOT asking for pity. I'm LITERALLY laughing at the irony of it all. Especially because the following, after this said rabbit trail, is what I had planned to come on here to write and just had to type out my thoughts about the irony of a baby, testing blog getting more hits than where I actually come to hash out thoughts.)

Ahem.

Now that I've recomposed myself...

With the new year brings myself reading many posts of reflections, new year's resolutions, and thoughts/hopes/dreams of what this future year might hold.

I don't know why, but I've never been one to write, make or hold to new year's resolutions. If I make a "resolution" I am usually being stared in the face by my own demon(s) and begging God to help this weak, desperately in need of His strength, broken person and asking He help my heart remain in a posture of praise and thanks for His unconditional love, unfailing grace, and never-ending mercies.

I struggle to sit, purposefully, and reflect on my life because I know I will be digging up graves of just how depraved I am. And yet, God, in His infinite wisdom and grace, is helping me to do so more and more so I might lean on Him more and more.

Because let's face it: being reminded of how weak you are, will either drive you to your knees or make them stiff like the worst case of arthritis seen by any physician on this fallen planet; I'd rather be the first.

And dreaming about this coming year; well, I've learned that my plans, they are not God's plan. (Funny that even though I've known Jeremiah 29:11 since childhood, I still get caught off guard when what I wanted/"planned" to have happen, becomes a completely 180 of reality.) Oh and by the way, now He has me dreaming of children relatively close in age. (By close, I mean around 2 years apart. HA! Time does change a lot. Not to mention, my sweet pea is quite the blessing!)

No, we're not trying yet. But I do mention that I hope our kids will be somewhat close in age. Only time will tell if that is God's desire for our little family of three.

And though the stats I posted at the beginning of this blog don't make me feel like a failure, what does make me feel like a failure is the only time in the past year I have been able to force myself to blog consistently was during the 15 Day Challenge. For whatever reason, I wonder how so many moms out there can blog on a consistent basis. Because I for one, with what I perceive to be pressure to be a "good blog mom", feel I'm supposed to blog daily, and if I don't...well, I might as well not.

I know this isn't true.

But I feel that pressure. From where, or whom, I'm honestly not sure.

It's more than likely myself. I am my own worst enemy. (Aren't we all?)

And so no matter where it does come from, I just wanted to let you guys know, that I may or may not post every day. And there may be some days that I crank out more than one post.

I don't know what the new year brings, but I do know that I'm ok with whatever it ends up looking like. (On this blog and in my real life.) Because that is how I need to think to give myself relief to live a life that is only for His glory with the enjoyment of this little, tiny space of the interweb just for me to babble and grapple and rejoice and hash out thoughts He has graciously allowed me to continue. And that is how I want to live daily knowing that I don't know what today brings exactly but I do know that He is in control, asks me to rely on Him, and I am far too weak to do life without Him.

*WHEW*

Felt good sharing that with you.

And now for something upbeat :)

Because the hubs and I haven't started any, I literally mean ANY, traditions of our own in regards to holidays, birthdays, etc, we decided we would bring in the new year with two new traditions.

Of course, being the good Louisianians that we are, they are centered around the food we will eat on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day.

Food is essential to being someone from Louisiana. I mean, we do have the best :)

So, we were sitting around yesterday when I mentioned that I would like to start our own tradition for New Year's Day.

We immediately remenisced the age old cabbage and blackeye peas meal. I'm not in love with it, but my mom does make some pretty mean cabbage. Probably the only cabbage I will ever eat. Ben, however, completely turned his nose up to it. And that, my friends, says a lot because he hardly ever I'm pretty sure I have yet to hear him actually complain about something he's eating. Even if it's not his favorite.

Long story short, considering I've now sufficiently typed your eyes off with the rest of this post, we couldn't competely whiddle it down to just a singular meal.

Thus our New Year's Eve/New Year's Day tradition has begun:

1. We kicked it off last night with good ol' homemade guacamole and velveeta cheese dip. And let me tell you, it was YUMMY!!
2. Today, we will be enjoying black eye peas, maybe one day homemade, but I just didn't have it in me this year to do home made so canned will have to do. And I'm hoping they're good because Wal-Mart was out of my favorite: Trappey's. Along with the peas, we will have some sort of chicken, this year it's chicken nuggets (Healthy. I know!), and salad. As beverage with said meal, we bought sparkling grape juice and for dessert we're making good ol' Root Beer Floats!

Ahh!! Sounds so good I can hardly wait.

And that get's me excited. That we're starting to form our own traditions. Because, we haven't had a holiday to ourselves yet to do such a thing. And thinking about that kind of makes me sad.

Funny I should say it, but it makes me hope that we're jump starting the new year by turning over a new leaf in our marriage/family and that this will be the first of many, many traditions over the years.

If you've stuck with me until now, bless you!

May your new year be one filled with memories and opportunities to praise the One who has given you life. 

No matter the circumstances.

Happy New Year!

2012 Christmas

So if you want pics of my christmas, you're more than likely going to have to refer to my sister's blog because, well, I just don't remember to bring the camera out very often. And, because I'm so wanting to at least slightly improve my photography skills, I almost always had the camera on manual which almost always left me without the shot I aimed for.

Anyway, I'm gonna give you a quick recap of what this Christmas looked like. Well...I'm gonna try to make it quick.

So we left Houston the Friday before Christmas after the hubs got off. And because Zoë's teeth decided to cause problems while I was supposed to be packing, we had to do that once he got home. That left us leaving here right around 7 pm. Not bad considering he got off at 6 and didn't make it home until around 630ish.

We were ever grateful that we were able to leave Friday because that meant four full days in Baton Rouge which allowed us to spend time with his family, ample time with mine, and even some time to see Ben's nanny. (Aka godmother. "Nanny" is the cajun name for a godmother.) We weren't able to see any friends with all the things my mom had planned for us and many of them were out of town, as well.

Saturday morning was spent recouping from arriving in BR after midnight and Zoë's teeth promptly crashing sleeping party, not allowing us rest until 230 am. Good times!

Saturday afternoon/evening we spent with Ben's family. I forgot my camera so I have no pictures from that. We enjoyed spending time with them, getting to see our nephews from his side.  (Yep, we have two nephews on each side of our family, but that could change depending on what Linds' baby #3 is. She finds out in January and I can't wait to find out!) And of course, no time with a newborn is complete without being peed on :) He went through the diaper and onto both my shirt and pants!

SCORE: Caleb 2 - Aunt Meg 0

I think he was aiming to make it hard for me to win before he even scored!

Sunday my entire family got together for lunch and my mom made her amazing lasagna! Our family is so large now that we almost ate the entire pan. Crazy!

I did have my camera out for a sec and happened to snap this jewel:

One of Brayden's many "I want to hold she" moments :) Love that kid!

(Oh and btw, he wants his new little sibling to be a girl and name her Zoë too! HA!)

Christmas Eve was spent hanging out and enjoying one another's company. Not much happened that day, which was a great time for Ben to catch up on the zzz's lost Saturday morning...night?

And then there was Christmas. Zoë's FIRST christmas! She loved the paper a lot. Which was good because that's all we got her ;) Here is a pic I snapped. (I'm not posting the video, though that it mostly what I got since my sis had her camera out and going.)

If you're child likes rattles/objects that make noise, they will L.O.V.E. this phone. Zoë is also enamored with the string, as you can see.

My dad carved a watermelon. Though it was hard to capture an entire pic of the thing, I still must show you his mad, awesome skills:

Heck yes!

Oh and I was also able to take a picture with the Hulk:

Couldn't believe he wanted to sit on my lap :) Made my day!

Captain America, Iron Man, and Hulk posed for me too!

From Left to Right: my hubby, Brayden, and Drew, my bro-in-law

I was also able to capture a very sweet pic of Zoë with her Great, Great Aunt Rina:

Love them both SO much!

Christmas was a crazy busy day with lots of family to spend time with and enjoy one another's company. We shared laughs and enjoyed watching the kids play with all their new toys. 

I must say my favorite part of our time in Baton Rouge was watching the cousins interact. And boy did they play with each other. Zoë LOVED being around both Connor and Brayden and there were many times one of the boys, sometimes both, would walk up to her, lay down next to her, and start talking or pat her. They played quite well together. Connor and Brayden even liked to be like her, or in Brayden's terms, "I'm doing what she doing." (Gah! I don't think you can understand how much I LOVE how he calls her "she" at times. In his mind, if he's not using her name then he should refer to her as "she" and it gets me. EVERY. STINKIN'. TIME!)

And just for the record, I love all my nephews the same. I just love how he calls her "she".

I also miss my greeting from C-man every time he saw me: "Hi Medan! HI MEDAN! HI!!"

Miss those boys so!

Well, that's a wrap! Christmas was great. Hope all of you guys enjoyed yours. And may your new year roll in greeting you with a warm welcome!

From Our Home

To yours.

We hope you have a wonderful Christmas and since we couldn't send a card out to everyone we know or my few faithful followers:

O Tannenbaum (Wordless Wednesday Version v. 6)

*WARNING: minor picture overload. You have been warned! And yes, I used the traditional, original language of the carol. Hoping it was properly placed online*

O Tannenbaum,

O Tannenbaum,

wie treu sind deine Blätter!

Du grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit,

Nein auch im Winger, wenn es schneit.

O Tannenbaum,

O Tannenbaum,

vie treu sind deine Blätter!

We're Here

Yeah. I fell of the blogging radar completely over the past week? Week and a half?  I don't know, I just know it's been a while.

But we made it.

Safe and sound, though not without a couple of adventures I was not asking for (Ben wasn't either for that matter).

And it's beginning to feel more and more like home.

Here are couple of pics of the new pad empty. I missed the guest bedroom and dining area, but here ya go:

When you first enter our apartment, the "master" bedroom is on your immediate right and the wash room is on the immediate left. I apparently missed pics of the washroom, too, but I didn't forget the master bedroom:

 Zoë is sleeping in this room. We chose to give her the master because 1) the bathroom is smaller than the "guest" bathroom and 2) this bedroom supposedly has a smaller closet. I'm not convinced about #2 but I am about #1 and with two people sharing one of the bathrooms, I opted for the guest to be ours.

 Our lovely living area. Complete with a fireplace that has no grate. HA! What's it for if you have no grate? This is straight in front of you as you enter.

 A really bad pic of my kitchen :) It's the widest kitchen I've had since we've been married. It unforunately has a teeny tiny space they call my pantry but we're making it work.

From the dining area there is a small space, I guess you could call a hall, that our bedroom and bath are off of. Bedroom to the right (no pics yet...sorry!) and this is to the left. Love how the sink is seperated from the toilet/shower area by another door. 

And this little cutie did PHENOMENAL throughout the entire ordeal. And she likes the boxes :)

Well, I'm going spend time with my husband, who no longer has 1 am shifts! HOORAY!

P.S. I love watching him walk out the door in professional dress. He looks so good :)

2 YEARS!!

Yep. Yep. Yeppers!

2 years with my wonderful, charming, geeky/nerdy (I call him both though I think he only claims the nerd description :) BTW, said proof of nerdiness is in the picture above. He knows biblical Hebrew [the language has changed, as most languages do over time, since then] and made sure they were correctly emblazoned on us for the rest of our lives), tall, red headed (Yes, don't you dare question me on that. It may be darker red, but he is a red head nonetheless. The color red some people would die for.), blue/grey/yellow/green that look blue (Don't question me on that, either. And please don't get close enough to him to figure it out. Just trust me on this one.) eyed, freckled, goofy, sweet man.

I'm not really sure where all the time has gone. Though I can say one thing:

He's definitely kept the "in sickness and in health" part of our vows.

I wasn't really blogging at the time two big illnesses slammed me. But he took care of me, even if by way of making sure someone was home so he could work. One of the times was through the longest week and a half of my life due to what was chalked up to nothing more than pure, ol', bonified vertigo. (I'm really glad that's what they decided because the other option was a life-long autoimmune illness that, though isn't unbearable and definitely liveable, was nothing that I wanted on my health record.) However, it was so bad I couldn't. even. crawl. I literally fell out of bed with a THWOMP onto the floor as though I'd fallen out in my sleep. I felt the effects of it (the vertigo) for weeks. I still get touches of it at times too.

And he cared for me like none other.

Then not four short months later, he was by my side at the hospital waiting to find out just what was wrong with me since a CT scan didn't show my appendix, which the doctors were so puzzled by because they were sure I was suffering from appendicitis.

Some many hours, two very fatigued people, and one severely bruised arm (two words: bad nurses) later, I was whisked away into surgery because the CT came back negative (YAY!) and the Ultrasound came back showing all my female organs were aok (YAY! But what the heck is wrong with me?!). Come to find out, my appendix was playing hide and seek with us. It needed to go. So much so it was almost ready to burst.

All of that was in the first 6 months of our marriage. 

Seriously.

I have the best. ever.

I hope that's not a foretelling of our future. I mean, our first two years have been anything but "normal" by the American dream standard. Though, I'm really glad. I'm kind of growing "out of love" (I use that term loosely because true love is a 100% bonified choice that comes with really, really good feelings and really, really horrible feelings [horrible because we're human, fallen, and perfectly imperfect]) with the American dream. (I will need to expound on that a different day.) I'm falling more in love with a God who has a completely different idea of what life should be like for me. And my family.

And now that I think about it, maybe I do want that to be a foretelling of our future. Because what it means is that we will continue to follow and serve a wonderful God who walks with us every step of our journey together.

And I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather share that journey with. THIS journey, actually. The one I'm in right now.

Though I don't hope for bad things to happen, I certainly can say we have both grown through the ups and downs of this shin dig, albeit short as it is. Well, I know I have and, if it's not out of line for me to speak for him, I'm pretty sure he'd say the same. Trust me, I know I'm no easy person to live with.

I'm so blessed to have him. Sometimes I'm not even sure it's real. 

Love you more today than ever, Ben! Thanks for being exactly the man God intended to place in my life. You're worth every moment of every day. I'm so blessed to call you mine. Though we might spend our celebration time just enjoying the fact you're over whatever it is you're sick with, that's worth it to me :) A reminder that all that matters is striving to love one another in a way that calls us up.

I will always see you as my better half!

Happy 2 years!

Meggers