Mother

she sits

weary from a long days work

she woke, eyelids heavy

with will to barely prop them open

now she wills herself to look through them

work still waiting

though kids lie fast asleep

bleary eyed

she sits

weary

thankful for mercies anew

oh the moments she'd change!

mulitply the "i love you"s

ask Him bestow gentler tone

enjoy all discoveries new

instruct with loving guidance

she sits

hoping to grasp

if even a single moment

days turn to months

she cannot will time stop

each day seems steal sanity

little by little

yet surely there is a single moment

she sits

reminded faults teach forgiveness

grace and mercy too

finding triumph in the small

place to learn in the failure

knowing strength comes

only in Him

trust only Him

she smiles

all is not lost

weary and tired seem define all

yet there is beauty

He makes all things beautiful in there time

for some moments it is now

so this title comes not effortless

yet a most fulfilling call

she is Mother

____________________

I wrote this simply because I find myself many times wondering how I'm going to make it through each moment - the sticky fingers, the food thrown every where, the sparkling eyes asking "Did you really draw that line?" as a finger reaches out, the fussiness because of teeth cutting, the whining when something doesn't happen how she thinks or wants it to - to live and tell the next. Oh and did I mention that sometimes I completely see the horror of the moms you see on the news flash before my eyes in moments of sheer anger? And I can see me being that mom if I wasn't depending on God and reminding myself that I am the adult, not the child who needs instruction? (Yes. Maybe I am bold for typing that out on here, but my guess is that if you have kids or work with them consistently, some of you can completely relate to this.) Let me be clear that these are only horrid day dreams. I have not and will not, by God's continued grace and practicing healthy anger dispelling techniques, harm my child.

Thankfully, I'm learning to laugh at those moments. And truly see that we all still have that little child inside of us, she just actually acts it out because she knows no better. It helps me to look at it in a different light, sometimes giving me ideas on how to help her learn a different behavior. Or a better way to handle all those crazy emotions that she has yet to know what to do with them.

I also wrote this because I wanted to have a reminder for myself that though the days seem long and nights too short, it will all soon pass away. If I'm not careful to find the beauty in each moment of every day, I'm going to miss out on some of the best memories I could form with my daughter. And if I can't form that habit with the first, I find myself realizing that it will be even more a struggle to enjoy the moments if other little blessings make their way into our home. And if they don't, well then I will have missed out all together on what may be my only child.

Maybe this makes sense. Maybe it doesn't, but I needed to let the words take shape and form, even if it is the roughest poetry.

I sit reminded just how full and fully blessed my life is.

Dreams of An Aching Heart

*I was going to schedule this post, but then I felt like I should go ahead and share it, while it's raw. After all, I'm more about honesty on my blog than scheduling so I don't post twice in one day. And please know this: I'm not moping around my home 24/7. Some days are great and I have joy accompanyed by happiness. Others are joy accompanyed by mourning, anger, sorrow or a mix of all the above and then some. If you're new to my blog, you may want to start here*

I ache.

Deep within my being.

Oh how I never thought I'd say these words:

"I want to be pregnant."

Now I mock my year-ago-self.

Because I long to be swelling.

Swelling with a life growing within.

Oh the pain!

This loss, so great.

My body reminds me that it is no more.

That I'm waiting.

Waiting for the opportunity.

To hear these words: "Your baby is healthy!"

To say these words: "You're a big sister!"

I ache.

My arms long to cradle new life.

But cannot bear to hold another's.

Yet wants to.

Just to feel the warmth of a tiny life.

And dream.

Dream of the day that just maybe...

Oh, to have once again!

The marks for new parenthood:

eyes weighed down from interrupted sleep

toys and blankets and bottles strewn everywhere

laundry piled at the dryer

a bag stretched 'til there's no more room

and love, an inexplicable, fierce love.

For this my heart shall dream and pray:

the beauty of a sibling brought

three be stretched to equal four

we may once more bestow our love

gathered into welcoming arms

to cherish a most wonderous blessing

oh, life! Sweet life: an infant's cries.

Return, O Sleep

Return, O Sleep
Where have you gone?
You once were my dear friend
But now you toss me back and forth
Eluding deep, true Rest
You once were dear
And called me true
To fellowship with you
But now you leave me wondering
where wee morn hours hath gone

Return, O Sleep
I hear you beckoning
I dearly want to come
To sit a while in fellowship
As Rest wraps secure its arms
To find my hours of no memory
Have brought with them a dawn
A dawn of hope and blissful dreams
Of no more tossing waves
Of energy renewed

Return, O Sleep
Please be my friend
Of kindred hearts combined
To hold me sweetly, tenderly
As Nights come passing by
Protect me from the looming dark
Where Rest is swallowed whole
By Monster come from Neath-the-bed
Valiantly severe body from head
Return to me sweet Rest