Running to God: The Only Positive Action That Truly Moves You Forward

*sigh*

I'm really having a hard time writing this post. A post to link-up with Holley for her God-sized Dreams series.

Why?

Because her question for us to think about and write about this week is remembering positive action that I've previously taken.

And while there is a huge life-altering situation that I did just that, I'm stuck in how I feel right now. Which, I'm pretty sure, is due to being in the most difficult part of the climb.

And I also know that I made it more difficult by thinking when I started off on this journey (the journey began when I started reading Holley's e-book The "Do What You Can" Plan at the beginning of this year which led me to her blog and this series) that by the end of the book, which I finished today, I would be well on my way with cussing behind me. You can read my first God-sized Dreams post here. It explains my current goal.

But yesterday, and a couple days before that, and...yeah, get the picture?

They slipped. Right. Out. Of. My. Mouth.

I didn't even realize it until after I had said it.

B.U.M.M.E.D.

Before this horrid streak of uttering at least one a day, I had made it almost two weeks.

Ok, hang with me!

Don't leave me just yet. I'm not telling you all this to throw a massive pity party and inviting you to it. Promise!

All this leads into the story I have to share with you about a time I took positive action. Because, honestly, I could take a lesson or two from my 5-years-ago self.

Let me tell you the story. And please, don't judge. We all have our faults. I'm being open about some of mine in hopes that someone else might either hear God's voice through it or be able to pull out of their pit and return to him.

The year was 2008.

I was coming round the bend from a complete fall out. I'm talking "I want nothing to do with God or the church and I don't see what purpose I really ever found in pursuing a relationship with him anyway" fall out.

It. Was. Rock. Bottom.

Seriously.

Anger, depression, complete disregard for anyone around me. I was miserable! I'm not even sure what I found so pleasing in living like that.

I began seeing the misery of a life lived for self and just how helpless I really am on my own when I realized I wanted some form of alcoholic beverage every day. Not to become totally wasted and not remember what was going on around me. No, I have never blacked out or not remembered an evening because of a drink. But I have drank to numb the pain and anger (oh am I funny when I've had enough to push me past reserved!) and hurt from past and present problems. Really from life.

And so I got up out of bed.

Walked what felt like the longest, hardest twenty-five feet of my life.

And watched as I poured every last ounce of the Vodka I stored in my freezer make its way down my kitchen sink's drain.

It was then I became thirsty. And not the thirst that can be quenched with water.

No. My soul was dying for what I had been running from for several solid months.

So I began reading. And journaling. And praying. Asking God just what he might have in store for me. (And would you please make my mom quit asking me to move to Baton Rouge. Please and Thank you!) (Um...yeah I had and still have a ways to go with the requests I make sometimes. :])

Would you know that after months of searching and months of me telling my mother no but earnestly seeking to hear God's will for my life, I heard a whisper to my soul. I was reading my bible and praying about where God would have me go, especially after I'd been off track for so long. I just wasn't sure what it would look like.

That whisper changed my entire life. (I wouldn't be in Houston now if I hadn't listened.) At the time I wasn't sure why, but I heard God speak to me. Not really with audible words. But a peace came over my heart in that time and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that, were I to stay in God's will and continue with the good I had begun to see sprouting in my life, I was to move to Baton Rouge.

And I did. And I will never be the same because of it. Shoot! I learned my love of science and intermingling it with people (aka nursing) is more than just a fancy - I could actually see myself going back to school for my RN. I met and married the love of my life, who also, at times, feels like a thorn in my side because he pushes me to continually pursue growth in the relationship that matters above all. I was blessed with my sweet daughter who is rounding on a year and I just don't know what I'd do without her.

Yeah.

It really isn't the same. And I don't want it to be the same.

If you hung in there, wow! I hope it maybe has helped you see that even the good struggles aren't always a breeze. But boy are they worth it! (Even if you're like me who wrestles with what feels like ropes holding you back at times. Blasted self-will!)

That moment in my life is thankfully etched forever in my memory. It serves as an altar of sorts where I can thank my God for walking me through every moment of my life. An altar of thanks for reminding me that I am at my greatest when I am on my knees before him because I know I am helpless and absolutely nothing without him. It serves as a reminder that any time, every time, and every single second I live I have the ability to move forward only by his grace and his strength. Though my flesh may wrestle with wanting to do it my way, I can forever be reminded of where that brings me and how much more satisfying a life of pursuing goals he gives me by his strength is.

How I hope and pray I will always use my time to continually run to God every moment I am given!

My God-sized Dreams Buddy

So I've been participating in the God-sized Dreams series.

Before I really get into what this post is about, I must say Holley has really been writing some posts and wrote The "Do What You Can Plan": 21 Days to Making Any Area of Your Life Better which have both been giving me plenty to chew on spiritually. Sometimes I wish I could just fully give myself to the tide that wants to take me. Get lost in it. Spend ours absorbing everything that I can learn.

And yet, even though I'm unable to spend hours, God is blessing the bits of time I'm able to give.

It's so worth it to pursue "God-sized Dreams", you guys. I would love it if you would join. And if not, well, I'm taking this journey.

Which leads me to what the link-up is really all about today: my God-sized Dreams buddy.

I am so glad that I can call my hubby my God-sized dreams buddy.

Because honestly, long before this series ever got started, he has been dreaming God-sized dreams with me. And to this day, he still helps hold me accountable for those dreams that pertain to my life and bettering me as a child of God. But he also sits with me and talks about the hopes and dreams God has planted and wondering what will come of those and what purpose those serve and what steps we can take now to pursue them.

The list never ends.

Though we drive each other crazy at times, we're easily each others best and closest friend. I can definitely say he knows me better than even my closest girl friends.

He helps me get a grasp on situations in my life that need light shed on them. He is iron sharpening iron for me spurring me on in a closer walk with Christ. He encourages me when I pursue a God-sized dream that I feel may be a bit wimpy yet scares me enough to make me feel like I'm going to wet myself.

And so because of all that I have said and more, I chose my hubby to be my God-sized Dreams buddy. For even when this series comes to an end, as I expect it will, he will still be there by my side hoping and praying with me as I continue to embark in seeking God and all the dreams He has for me.

One Step At a Time

Linking up with Holley for her God-sized dreams series/link-up.

This may sound funny to many of you, but this week I sat down and wrote a small list of words I could use in place of cuss words in hopes that maybe they would come to mind instead of actual cussing.

Actually, it's kind of funny to me. I'm laughing at myself right now as I think about what I did. And yet, in the midst of laughing about it, a pleasurable feeling arises knowing I'm doing this for my own good. Knowing it's going to help me live a life more pleasing to Christ. A life that thinks of that which is "worthy of praise".

I'm laughing at myself though because I'm almost positive one of the words I wrote down was "monkeys". I also almost always immediately think of the phrase "cheese and rice" from Just Married when I think of something that has the consonants to relieve stress but only makes me think of, well, cheese and rice! HA!

And funny enough, I've noticed myself coming up with new words of replacement. I've started saying drats a lot. Not really sure where I got that from. Probably something my family says a lot that it's so overused I don't even notice it. I'm not sure. But I say it.

And then I smile.

I smile because with each step towards less profanity, I'm also seeing God work in my critical spirit and melting away the anger that I so easily lean towards.

Thank you, Jesus!

I'm jumping for joy inside, you guys!

I don't know how much I will struggle with this in the future or how long the final goal will take to be reached, but I do know this: my God is for me and He wants me to succeed in this!

Small steps.

Not always my first thought when diving into something I know He's asking of me, whether big or small, but I'm learning that they're the best because with every small step momentum is gained, confidence in the ability to pursue change is built, and moving ahead towards a life full of Him becomes my sole focus.

Daring to Dream

Today I'm linking up with Holly Gerth and other women who have joined her on the journey of dreaming God-sized dreams. I am so excited to see how God uses this as I trust Him in this beginning of opening my heart more than I've dreamed in a long time.

I dream. And then I stuff them under a pillow on or in the box hidden in my closet or back in the far reaches of my top cabinet. Any place I can forget them.

All so that I won't be disappointed again. Disappointed because I realize my life took a different turn than what I had dreamed. Disappointed because I don't feel "normal" and I don't know how to get to "normal". (Just what exactly IS normal, anyway?!)

And that's when it hits me.

Many times those dreams, they aren't really the God-sized dream I thought they were. They were meek attempts at selfishly trying to build the life I thought would be grand. And honestly, I thought I wanted. And normal. It's being exactly who God created you to be which is completely different from the girl next door and your mother and the elderly lady who talks to you at the grocery store.

Normal IS different. And unique. And special. Normal is who God designed you to be.

And who God designed me, and everyone else, is a dreamer. Even if that dream starts as something so very small. And He can grow it. Or He changes it to turn it into something even more beautiful than what I imagined, not because what I dreamed wasn't His, but because He is a Creator who has a will to do just what pleases Him and at times changing my path to Him from where everything started, well, that is what pleases Him.

And so now I dare to dream.

I actually happened upon Holly Gerth's blog the day they released, and were giving away the Kindle e-book, her book The "Do What You Can" Plan. Though I'm not quite getting to it every day like I hoped, I'm still staying on track and keeping in mind the small mustard seed I'm aiming for right now.

And let me tell you, before I even tell you what God directed me to do, it kind of scared me.

Scared me that I wouldn't see the fruit of the smallest part of my dream come true. (For those who aren't reading it, Holly talks about down-sizing your dream. Too much detail to explain here, but it makes a lot of sense and makes it seem a bit more realistic.) Scared that maybe I'm crazy for wanting what I'm aiming for in this world where I'm surrounded by what I'm trying to weed out of my life. Scared to let go of what I am, because I actually feel I have to do this at times.

So you wanna know what I'm aiming for? You may laugh when I tell you. But I feel it should be shared. And may encourage someone who has been wanting to do the same but can't seem to find the resolve to do it.

I am asking God to open my heart to His dreams. And I felt led to begin in this way: that my tongue be bridled of explitives I so easily allow to be said.

Please understand my heart in this: I am in no way judging someone who doesn't feel convicted to do the same. I, however, for a very long time have felt it pointless, unedifying, and somewhat degrading of me to use them. I'm not really sure why. And so by my being unsure of why, I'm pretty sure I can say it's a prompting of the Holy Spirit.

And when He prompts, I sure hope I am always ready to jump on board.

You see, the bigger picture of this dream is that He would heal me of my critical spirit. That I would be prone to encourage and when what I have to say or what I am thinking is not constructive, whether positive or negative, it would be shut down. Completely. With no room to embed itself in my heart, mind, or soul.

Scared? 

RIGHT OUT OF MY BOOTS!

Do I believe He wants to see me accomplish this?

ABSOLUTELY!

And so despite the horror I feel when I think about how hard this will be to tackle, I will not be overcome.

"You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world[!!!!]."

1 John 4:4 NASB

AMEN?!

AMEN!

What is your God-sized dream? Do you dare to dream?

He most certainly wants you to!