Thoughts on Marriage and Counseling

So I had mentioned in one of my more recent bumpdates how the highlight of my week was a marriage clinic Ben and I went to.

While I'm not about to get into specifics of what exactly went on during our time, I will say there was much learned we both felt was a tremendous help in making sure we have a solid foundation to build on. Something about our time also started the wheels spinning as far as how people view marriage counseling or seminars.

Honestly, this is a vast generalization I'm about to put out there, but I hear it all the time in many different ways:

"Oh, we're good! We don't need counseling."

"Well, we/he/she/I would never do ___________."

"We don't have problems."

"They went to counseling?! Gee I didn't know they were so far gone."

The statements I've heard are numerous. They all run along the same lines: our marriage is good, thank you! We don't need help. And counseling is only for those who are completely gone.

However, if there is one belief I have about counseling and marriage, which was solidified by our three days to work on what we have, it is this: whether so far gone you're ready to call it quits or living on one of the beautiful plateus marriages have, there is always something to work on and always  something new you can learn to strengthen your marriage. And counseling is both for the good times and the "HELP! We're drowning!" times.

Yet many people can't even muster the courage to say they need or want or went to counseling. It's like this massive elephant in the room whereupon anyone who finds out they had to "succumb" to counseling will no longer be their friend or pity them. The lens through which counseling, really for anything, is viewed is rarely a positive one.

My heart hurts just thinking about it. Partially because of empathy, but more so because the three days Ben and I spent working on our relationship has brought us closer than I think we've ever been in our 4 years together, 3 years of marriage. We learned are continuing to make a communication model taught during the clinic a habit. We were given tools to help us be at our healthiest spiritually and emotionally. We were given insights into one another to help us understand where the other is coming from so the playing field is even.

At the end of it all, much is left to our choices. We can't be forced to continue what we were taught in those three days. We could choose to leave everything taught us behind. We could choose to see counseling as only for those who are ready to abandon ship.

Then we would have missed out on the awesome opportunity placed before us.

Without rambling any longer, I say all of this to encourage anyone who wants to get married, is engaged, or is already married: counseling is one of the best ways to make sure the foundation of your marriage is solid to build on. Every marriage will have it's times where a crack needs to be fixed. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage because we are all broken people, but what there can be is a marriage willling to always face the hard parts as well as the blessed parts of the relationship so that it may thrive in a world where many circumstances strive to destroy a beautiful relationship. So whether there is a crack needing repair or a desire to keep a good foundation strong, I encourage you to see counseling as a great support to keep a strong foundation.

Praying for Him: His Marriage

Ahh, marriage: what most girls dream of and what Hollywood really messes up with portraying accurately. Even the best marriages have difficult times. So it goes without saying every marriage needs to be covered in prayer.

I honestly feel this is going to be a short post. It's honestly up to you to take the time to clothe your marriage in prayer. To ask God to unite you and your husband together as only He is able. To ask God to keep any situations which may lead to divorce far away from you, allowing you both to not succumb to temptation. Stormies says it well: "Praying about all aspects of a marriage keeps the concept of divorce from gaining any hold." (p. 154)

And so though short, I urge you to take time to pray over your marriage, even if everything seems to be a field of flowers right now. You never know when hardships will strike; the only way to prepare for hardships is to be clothing yourself and your marriage in armor, prayer being part of it.

May we all be fervent in coming before the throne of God asking Him to bless the covenenant we each made with our spouses before Him!

___________________________________________________________

Here are the rest of my posts from this 30 week series I've done on praying for my husband:

Week 1: Intro     Week 2: Starting with Me     Week 3: His Identity     Week 4: His Treasure

Week 5: His Sexuality   Week 6: His Hugs, Kisses, and "I love you"s  Week 7: His Achilles Heel

Week 8: His Battlefield  Week 9: What Cripples Everyone  Week 10: The Passion Inside

Week 11: A Confession  Week 12: His Choices  Week 13: His Health  Week 14: His Protection

Week 15: His Trials  Week 16: His Integrity  Week 17: His Reputation  Week 18: His Priorities

Week 19: His Relationships  Week 20: His Fatherhood  Week 21: What Can Haunt Us All

Week 22: A Daily Choice

2 YEARS!!

Yep. Yep. Yeppers!

2 years with my wonderful, charming, geeky/nerdy (I call him both though I think he only claims the nerd description :) BTW, said proof of nerdiness is in the picture above. He knows biblical Hebrew [the language has changed, as most languages do over time, since then] and made sure they were correctly emblazoned on us for the rest of our lives), tall, red headed (Yes, don't you dare question me on that. It may be darker red, but he is a red head nonetheless. The color red some people would die for.), blue/grey/yellow/green that look blue (Don't question me on that, either. And please don't get close enough to him to figure it out. Just trust me on this one.) eyed, freckled, goofy, sweet man.

I'm not really sure where all the time has gone. Though I can say one thing:

He's definitely kept the "in sickness and in health" part of our vows.

I wasn't really blogging at the time two big illnesses slammed me. But he took care of me, even if by way of making sure someone was home so he could work. One of the times was through the longest week and a half of my life due to what was chalked up to nothing more than pure, ol', bonified vertigo. (I'm really glad that's what they decided because the other option was a life-long autoimmune illness that, though isn't unbearable and definitely liveable, was nothing that I wanted on my health record.) However, it was so bad I couldn't. even. crawl. I literally fell out of bed with a THWOMP onto the floor as though I'd fallen out in my sleep. I felt the effects of it (the vertigo) for weeks. I still get touches of it at times too.

And he cared for me like none other.

Then not four short months later, he was by my side at the hospital waiting to find out just what was wrong with me since a CT scan didn't show my appendix, which the doctors were so puzzled by because they were sure I was suffering from appendicitis.

Some many hours, two very fatigued people, and one severely bruised arm (two words: bad nurses) later, I was whisked away into surgery because the CT came back negative (YAY!) and the Ultrasound came back showing all my female organs were aok (YAY! But what the heck is wrong with me?!). Come to find out, my appendix was playing hide and seek with us. It needed to go. So much so it was almost ready to burst.

All of that was in the first 6 months of our marriage. 

Seriously.

I have the best. ever.

I hope that's not a foretelling of our future. I mean, our first two years have been anything but "normal" by the American dream standard. Though, I'm really glad. I'm kind of growing "out of love" (I use that term loosely because true love is a 100% bonified choice that comes with really, really good feelings and really, really horrible feelings [horrible because we're human, fallen, and perfectly imperfect]) with the American dream. (I will need to expound on that a different day.) I'm falling more in love with a God who has a completely different idea of what life should be like for me. And my family.

And now that I think about it, maybe I do want that to be a foretelling of our future. Because what it means is that we will continue to follow and serve a wonderful God who walks with us every step of our journey together.

And I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather share that journey with. THIS journey, actually. The one I'm in right now.

Though I don't hope for bad things to happen, I certainly can say we have both grown through the ups and downs of this shin dig, albeit short as it is. Well, I know I have and, if it's not out of line for me to speak for him, I'm pretty sure he'd say the same. Trust me, I know I'm no easy person to live with.

I'm so blessed to have him. Sometimes I'm not even sure it's real. 

Love you more today than ever, Ben! Thanks for being exactly the man God intended to place in my life. You're worth every moment of every day. I'm so blessed to call you mine. Though we might spend our celebration time just enjoying the fact you're over whatever it is you're sick with, that's worth it to me :) A reminder that all that matters is striving to love one another in a way that calls us up.

I will always see you as my better half!

Happy 2 years!

Meggers

15 Day Challenge: [Day 9]

[Day 9]: Describe the best day of your life to date.
So, there is really no way for me to widdle my life down to one best day. Thus, you will get a few (they are in no certain order) :)
#1Definitely the day my hubby asked me out. We had gone to see our church's Youth Music and Drama's production of Les Misérable and IHOP afterwards. We had ridden together with his sister and brother-in-law to both places which landed us back at their place around 11 pm. I'm not really sure how the conversation started, but Ben and I had a good hour and a half long convo standing outside our vehicles. I will never forget how as we hugged to say goodnight, he held on to me and asked me to be his girlfriend. That made for the best day ever and it started at 1230 AM :)
#2Our wedding day

SO. MUCH. FUN. (not to mention I have the sweetest :) can't you tell by that pic?)

We had plenty of laughs (I handed our pastor a ring pop as Ben's ring at first and it got the best expression, caught by our photographer), some sweet, sweet moments, and a lot of fun dancing away. Then we drove off in his awesome '87 GMC Sierra Classic (also a great moment our photographer captured) and headed for our Honeymoon. Oh and by the way, if you have a wedding in Baton Rouge, The Gatehouse sets you up for reals! Great job on everything AND they send you away with awesome food. Ben and I were sad we couldn't bring the leftovers on our flight with us :( Ahhh...special day. Married my best friend, which still amazes me considering we had only known each other for a little under 2 years by that point.

#3

March 13, 2012. Funny how when not pressed for the date I can remember it but anytime I call the peds office I stumble :) That would be the day sweet Zoë Grace graced us with her presence. I'll never forget the doctor holding her up and saying "It's a girl!" Funny I remember those words sounding really slow because I feared being one of those people who had planned for a girl after a sonogram saying such only to be told it's a boy in the delivery room. She was (and still is and always will be) so precious to me!

Here she is just minutes out of the oven :) Love my baby girl so much!

And there you have the three best days of my life thus far. I'm sure I will add to them but I'm also sure I could never just pick one.

Time flies and I can't believe it!

An entire year has passed since I married my best friend. I cannot believe a whole year has passed.

A lot has happened over the past year. What stands out to me is how much my love for Ben has grown.

Ben,

I am so grateful to have you in my life! Although a lot of this year has held several hardships and unexpected situations, I am growing in learning how to best love you and God is molding me more into His likeness daily. You are my iron sharpening iron. I hope God blesses us with many more years together. Years of plenty and years to walk together through His refining fire. I love you, bud!

                                                                                             Here's to many more years :)

                                                                                                                 Meg

HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY, BENJAMIN!!

Home Sweet Home

Yes! Not that it hasn't been home since we came home after the honeymoon; it's just now all in place with no junk (well most junk) thrown away. Definitely no boxes!

Here are some pictures for those who haven't or won't be able to see it for a while. This is for you Linds :)


Although you obviously can't see the lithograph, the picture hanging on the left side of the bed was done by Ben, inspired by me :) Didn't find that out until after we were ready to hang it on the wall, but it's no wonder I love it: Ben knows me quite well!


Some of our many books :) We aspire to have a library one day.


Chests of drawers and hamper, which, surpisingly, all the dirty clothes makes it to...I'm wondering how long that will last.


Our "hallway" (if it can be called that). You will soon notice our small area requires a few extra "space organizers"


Our tiny shower. The corner caddy is awesome! And I am still in love with the colors/print we picked.


The tiny vanity. We've made it work though. Notice he is gracious enough to let me keep out the everyday hair products I need.


The living area. For not a large space, I think we've made it rather functional. We're just not quite sure where the Christmas tree will go...


Our big bookshelf :) LOVE IT!!! It's on the same wall as the green love seat and recliner. If you notice at the top, Ben loves swords. These are all Japanese swords: Samurai swords, if you want to be exact. From the top: Katana, Washizaki, and Tanto. Just a few of his many: there are 2 Lord of the Rings replica swords waiting to be hung in our bedroom, plus a Polynesian War club and 2 daito (practice swords in plain-people speak) in his closet. There is also a box he has with ceremonial dress from Yemen with 3 knives for the outfit. More specifically, we had to make sure we communicated that he would only practice outdoors for the rest of his life. His old bedroom at his parents has plenty of black marks on the ceiling from practicing indoors :)


Our desk,filing cabinet, and another "space organizer". They are technically in the dining area but we have yet to even have a table.


My teeny tiny kitchen. I'm definitely down to utilizing every last inch of usable space in this place. I think I will pee my pants from excitement the day we ever move and my kitchen is any larger! I've become so used to working my way around that I don't even think of how small it is (THANK YOU LORD!).


Like I said: utilization of every last inch! The open space is what I spread myself out between while cooking. I've learned to become really creative :)


The masterpiece leaning against the wall is going to go in the middle of the crosses. It's a ceramic tile project Ben made during a ceramic class.

So there you have it. This is our home...our very first home sweet home :) I'm absolutely loving married life. To be with Benjamin whenever we're both home is awesome! Sometimes we do things together, but even when we're doing our own thing I find the thought of knowing he's there so comforting. He truly is my best friend, the one God intended for me. And it makes me smile thinking of how blessed I am by God and how much fun it was "making" our very first home.

The Wait is Over

Wow! I knew it had been forever since I posted, especially with the wedding fogging my mind (in a good way, of course). Hopefully, I will become more in a habit of blogging on a frequent basis...expounding on the day and allowing for mind expansion through thought is healthy, I believe.

Anyway, Ben and I are finally married! It's been 17 days since we said "I do" and I must say I'm loving it :)

It doesn't feel extremely different as far as our relationship goes. It's just nice knowing my best friend will either already be home or coming home after I get home from work. It's enjoyable, in a share-the-burden sort of way, to have to discuss and work out our finances; at least, when we agree it is enjoyable. Fortunately, we haven't hit any big road blocks there yet.

One aspect of marriage I never contemplated is getting your first home organized and made into a home! It's a lot of work: shopping with the gift cards to purchase remaining needed items, washing new dishes/utensils/etc, organizing all the different bills/accessories/rooms (even when its not much space). Just the thought alone makes me tired. However, my wonderful husband helps me with a lot of the organization and has even made comments about how he enjoys doing the every day tasks with me.

Ahhh the newness of marriage! I know it will not always be this way, but I enjoy it. And I enjoy knowing that as time goes on it will only get better because we will have spent more time knowing one another.

I don't know why but this reminded me of an incident with a patient today:

The reason evades me at this moment, but a male patient, with his wife in the room, looked me straight in the eye while saying, "The man it head of the house and what he says goes [or something to that affect]. You can look it up in the Bible; that's excatly what it says."

I looked at his wife, who was retorting, then back to the patient, who was trying to negate her with a higher volume as he repeated himself.

I couldn't listen to this man, who is blatantly incorrect (see Ephesians 5:22-33), without stating what I knew to be right. Not only had I known this reference from previous reading, but Dr. Kevin McKee had used it, at our request, in Ben and my ceremony. So without hesitating, I looked at the patient and said, "No sir, it states the exact opposite of that. Scripture blatantly says the man is to be head of the house as Christ is the church and laid himself down for her. He is to be a servant leader, not dictate." Of course, I paraphrased, but I knew it was close to hitting the nail on the head.

Unfortunately, the man would not listen. I feel terrible for his wife. And I love my husband even more!

I am so grateful Ben whole-heartedly believes what scripture says in Ephesians and honestly strives to be that type of husband.

I am so amazingly blessed by God!