Embracing the Fire (Frankly Friday v. 1)

Today I'm participating in a blog hop. Feel free to check out the gal who sets is all up, Amy's, blog :) She just started it a few weeks back and I have a couple of other blog friends who have participated on a regular basis. Love the posts I've seen, just haven't felt like I had much to add. Well...today I do :)

Enjoy.

So I was going through blog posts yesterday, instead of getting ready for the day *sigh*, when I happened to read a great post by Tony Reinke on the DesiringGod ministries blog entitled Learning from Lincoln's Flawed Marriage.

Loved the post. I think everyone should take a moment to read it.

Seriously.

You'll learn more from it than from me; I'm pretty sure I can guarantee it.

What stuck with me was one of the last statements Reinke made:

"There were resources for healing he did not know, and short of healing, embracing the fire is BETTER than escape." [bold print, enlargement, and italics mine]

Why, you might ask, did this resonate with my soul so much?

Well, my heart loves to find ways to escape. Even if it's becoming numb to all around me in hopes that it will soon subside. Though it might be different for everyone, I'm willing to bet many people are like this and they either don't realize it or they deny it. Personally, I've done the latter a lot.

Thankfully, I've gone to counseling a couple years ago and I've been surrounded by friends for many years who don't stand by either of those afformentioned situations.

(Oh and by the way, hopefully you've realized by now I find the point I enlarged applies to much more than marriage. I think it applies to many aspects in all areas of life.)

It can, and more than likely will, make life unseemingly hard, though I've actually found it can be even harder attempting to hide and/or control when we have no ability to truly do either. (Gah, I'm rambling. Just hang tight with me. I have need to spell this out, more for myself than for you.) Yet those hardships, if embraced, as Reinke suggests, can be the refining fire God uses to mold us more into his likeness. Embracing the fire is like allowing God to put us in the crucible so that when we are completely refined we come out reflecting him. All for his glory!

Painful? You betcha!

Rewarding? Far beyond any worth we humans can measure. 

For the outcome is a better image of the Creator, which is the reason for all of life.

And though we will not be completely refined this side of Heaven, I can't imagine living a life filled with pain without knowing I'm suffering all for his glory, whether seen or unseen by someone else.

Maybe a bit hard to chew walking into what is known as one of the happiest seasons each year sees. But for me, I think it will hopefully help keep me in the right perspective of all that we celebrate at Christmas.

Yes, the birth of a Savior but who lived a life full of pain all so he could pay my ransom from a life indebted to paying him for my failings.

He is the reason I celebrate this season, for without him I have no capability of truly glorifying God, and that gives me abounding joy!

Parnoid much?

Well, I am.

I didn't realize it until I had Zoë, but I am. It has slowly creeped its way into a quite escalated place in my mind. Thankfully, God has given me ample of positive opportunity to either not live with it controlling my decisions or to where I simply isolate it to the corner of my mind as though it's not there. So thankful for his grace in that.

However, I find myself paranoid about getting in a car accident with Zoë in the car. Or wondering if she has some developmental or mental disability because she is a bit more spastic in her movement than other babies her age. (Way too early to be worrying about that, considering she isn't showing any signs of a disability. Not to mention, unless it's congenital, they aren't normally noticed until the child is around 2 or 3 years of age.) Shoot, I even admitted my paranoia of people following me while they're driving. Granted this (see the answer to #3) situation is what led to that, but still.

Apparently, I live in a perpetual fear of many aspects of my world. Fear of situations I have little to no control over. Fear that could be washed over with peace as long as I give it over to Christ.

Though I'm not relishing in the difficult aspects of parenting, God is slowly molding my heart showing me how, for his glory, it is making me into who he desires for me to be. The areas of my life being exposed would have either never been or taken years to have light shed on them sans parenting. I'm learning to be thankful for the difficulties I face, knowing that it is in those moments God is able to perfect me most, to teach me to depend on him in everything.

Sometimes I'm still suprised by how much I've seen myself grow in just six months.

Parenting is a serious refining tool.

Learning Contentment in the Now

Content adj. happy with one's lot; satisfied

This is so big for me right now. Here's why:

• I became a mom way before I thought I would be and, selfishly, was not ready to give up many of the things I knew being a good mom would require
• I always knew I wanted to stay at home once I had kids, but what I didn't think was my husband would be required to work two jobs demanding him work 60+ hours a week for this to happen
• I really want an iPhone or Smart Phone and find myself thinking about wanting one way. to. often.
• I love to eat out. I don't know why. It goes against my very nature of...well, I'm more of a baker than a cook...so never mind that. But I do really enjoy eating out. A lot. That's not really in the budget. A couple times a month, possibly, but one to two times per week...that would require I work or the hubs to aquire job #3. Not. worth. it.

However, what really got me thinking about contentment is my 2nd bullet: Ben's job.

You see, I've been thinking and praying a lot about how much Ben has to work while hoping God would provide a sole job to provide the way the two jobs do now. If it provides beyond that would be an extra blessing. I just am hoping for a solitary job to do exactly what the two are currently.

Just a few minutes ago I was thinking about that again. Probably the 645,209,300,000 time for me to do so. But as I was thinking I began wondering: is it possible for me to really hope for one job to do the trick and still be content with where I am (this is what got me thinking about my other bullets)?

As I pondered it a bit, I realized that I actually am getting to a place of contentment with where we are. God has and is teaching both of us a lot because of our current circumstances. He is stretching us in ways that would never have happened had Ben always had one, normal (by normal I mean 40 hours/week with minimal overtime, week nights and a majority of weekends off) job.

Yet, being content where I am, does not stop me from hoping that God will one day allow our family to have a more normal schedule. A schedule where my husband will be able to be more involved in his daughter's life. A schedule that would allow for him to spend time with guy friends on a more consistent basis. One where he feels a bit more free to have alone time.

Though I'm sure I will be spending more time thinking about the other points I wrote down, it was almost a healing balm to realize contentment does not quelch hope, they can almost go hand in hand.

We Made it Through (and a bunch of rambling)

Hurricane Isaac, which turned into a Tropical Storm while hovering over Baton Rouge, has come and gone.

We found out electricity was lost at our apartment and lost a majority of what was inside our fridge.

However, God was gracious in that, though we were without T.V. (not such a huge ordeal to me considering we don't have cable or even basic channels at home) and internet for almost 24 hours, electricity continued to flow through the storms entirety over at my parent's house. This means I never had to go without all the modern marvels of A/C, a breast pump, and lights. I didn't have to brave the lovely humidity with an already teething, cranky five month old. None of my family suffered any damage and everyone is ok.

There were some moments where we feared for a family members dad, who lives in an area that was majorly flooded, but God answered prayers. He was found and is safe. 

Part of me is hating the fact the internet is back up.

You know, I'm coming to learn I have a love-hate relationship with most of modernity.

I'm also realizing (honestly I continue to realize this a lot but I'm just reminisicing again) how if it weren't for the wonderful mother God gave me, I would be a hermit. Maybe that's partly why I am in a love-hate relationship with the times.

My heart screams for absence from people, internet, phones (oh how I HATE [did you catch that?] talking on the phone, yet love having it for those times I absolutely need it), etc.

I love my car, A/C, lights (only those that cast a soft, small light), and the fact that I don't have to make my own clothes :)

Oh so back to my wonderful mom: you see, if it weren't for her, I would have forever ago found a way to give in to what my heart screams for most. But she, being the wonderful mother that she was and is, took a lot of time to sit with me to talk and work through my hates. She also did not give into my hate of the phone and complete lack of interest in building relationships.

I will never forget the time (I was thirteen you guys...keep that in mind while reading this) she forced me to make a phone call for a science project. I was homeschooled so I didn't have a "turn it in or you'll get an F" looming over me (HA! So I thought). It sat around without me doing it for at least a week.

She continued to inquire: "Did you make that call?"

I skirted the question however I could.

She wasn't blind. She knew I was avoiding it.

And finally the hatchet was raised, poised in ready to be lowered: "Megan, you're going to do this or you will get an 'F' on this project and I will assign a similar project with extra work."

Wha wha wha.

"Excuse me?!?!"I thought. "You did not just tell me I would get an 'F'. Oh I DO NOT want to make that phone call. UGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Of course, my perfectionist self, knowing full well that I was capable of 100%, made the call. I passed the project.

And I learned that making a phone call isn't as horrible as I make it out to be. By no means did it make a phone talker out of me, but I can now make a call, ask for what I need, and do it for myself (yes, I just patted myself on the back...I'm still proud of myself for doing ANYTHING like that for myself) :)

She also made me make the call when I wanted to get a friend over (yes, I don't hate people. I just don't draw energy from being with people and need plenty of me time after spending time with someone no matter how much I love them). So I learned to build relationships without someone else to buffer for me.

Maybe none of this is coming out right. That's ok with me. I'm just rambling about what's on my heart. And what is on my heart is how grateful I am for a wonderful mom who nurtured me the best way she knew how and helped me to not hide myself from society.

Thanks mom for taking the time to work with this hard headed, quietly willful child of yours! You're the best :)

Something I'm *Re*Pondering

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. But if any of you lacks widsom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind." James 1: 2-6 (NASB)

*sigh*

These words hit home right now. If I'm recalling correctly, my last few posts have been pretty "Debbie Downer". Life is rough right now. And I'm unfortunately focusing on those rough patches rather than leaving my eyes fixed on the Author and Perfector of my faith.

Consider it all joy when a trial is part of your story.

Because I'm into looking up definitions lately, solely so I can have the exact meaning in my mind, here is how Webster defines the word "all": "wholly, entirely." "Wholly" is defined as "to the whole amount or extent; totally; entirely." Since both entirely was part of the definitions of both "all" and "wholly", I looked up that definition too (are you gathering I'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to reading, at times?): "not lacking any parts; whole; complete; intact."

"...all joy, when you encounter various trials." Not part of. Not bits and pieces. Not "I will consider that joy but not this." ALL. The. whole. trial.

My current trial is feeling like I have to battle with my 4 month old to help console her.

Listen to me! Battle with a 4 month old?!

I'm crazy you guys. I take full responsibility for my actions. I will say that part of it is crying puts me on. the. E.D.G.E.

Seriously.

If crying finds its point of no return, my body kicks into full I-need-all-the-chocolate-within-a-20-mile-radius mode.

No lie.

Yet, I do not find myself looking at this phase in my life, which is a full on trial when it comes to testing me and God seeking to mold me into His likeness, as "all joy".

Part of it is a complete dying to self, which I am not always jumping for joy ready to do. I wonder why? *cough* selfish nature *cough* (Sorry. I'm sarcastic.)

Part of it is I did not expect to have a baby who was this vocal. She is laid back. I expected that. But what I didn't expect is that she would be vocal too. It is possible to be laid back but know what you want. Really. I can be like that at times. However, I thought she would be more like her dad who frequently says he doesn't know what he wants, in effort to have everyone get along, and is extremely laid back.

Nope.

She fished and caught from my gene pool on that one.

The bad thing about expectations is it's hard to let them go when they aren't met. And in this one, I must let them go.

If I don't, I will not be able to enjoy my child. I will not find joy in this trial.

I'm thinking a lot about this. This post may be a bit jumbled. But I don't have time to finish it: my little one is getting hungry :)

Just thought I would share where I am in thinking about where I am.

What trial are you facing that you aren't considering all joy?

Fried Brain, anyone?

Yes. Seriously. I can tell my eyes are currently blood shot. And no, I have not been drinking, though I won't deny a nice glass of wine to relax me might be nice. There isn't even a wonderful, carbonated beverage in my house.

Teething.

That will turn your hair gray. Make you want to scream 'til the walls fall down. Wish you had lost your hearing. Oh and if you're like me, eat every single crumb, drop, nibble, etc, etc of junk food within a twenty gagillion mile radius of you.

It also will remind you, you are just like those parents you label "crazy, horrible, selfish, etc" and wonder how on earth they killed their child. Shaken baby syndrome - it's a horrifically, real tragedy. And anyone is able to succumb. Because we are human and have limits; I know no one who operates properly when they are fatigued and frustrated and dying of a severe character make-over to change the want of being selfish to a total selflessness.

Please understand. I have not and, by God's grace, will not harm my child. I know my limits and if I cannot hold her without anger and frustration continuing to rise, she is calmly placed in a crib so I can find a way to release it and not on her.

Oh, and just so you know, we're only in the beginning phases. We're not even cutting the tooth/teeth; we're just getting used to them moving up in the gums. 

*sigh*

Here is what I'm learning through all this: How to Be a Parent 101. AKA?

Total dependence on the Creator and keeping your relationship with Him thriving, which means time with Him daily.

If I've said it once, I will say it a thousand times over - I don't know how people do it without God. We are flawed. All of us. And I know I am a terrible wretch without Him. I have no motivation to be good without Him.

Maybe a bit off topic, forgive me (my brain is fried, remember?), but through parenting, I am learning how much I can love one human being. If I can love that much, oh what a glimpse of how much God loves me. My love for Zoë is so miniscule in comparison to God's love for me.

WOW!

What a wonderful daily realization I am having.

Parenting is way hard, but so unbelievably WORTH IT!

Journaling Day 1

Not that I will continually be counting, but I just had to say I was able and took the time to journal today. It feels good to put a pen to paper with my thoughts flowing out. Sometimes it truly helps me process in a more thorough fashion.


Aside from that my day was really low-key. Thankfully, work wasn't extremely crazy today. I enjoyed feeling Zoë make her little movements on a frequent basis. Although she does kick and/or punch occasionally, she typically has very fluid movements. It awes me to know God is forming her little life right inside of me. I admit at times it scares me speechless to think I will be a mom in 11 weeks, give or take. Had you told me last year this is where I would be right now I would have looked at you like you're crazy and stupid in a single facial expression. 


But God has a funny way of growing and changing us and a lot of times I find He might just laugh a little at my "plans" and help me to learn through them: 


1) I was going to graduate from UCA and find a job in Little Rock. You know, stay in a familiar area. I had lived there 12 years. Why not? But when you wake up one morning to hear God speak to the quiet places of your soul, obedience is key (or you can wait to find out the consequences of disobedience. Your pick). And what did He tell me? "If you are going to live inside My will for your life, pack up and move back to Baton Rouge." "God...do I really have to?!" I had already been bucking so after asking and getting no response I knew what I should do. Am I so ever grateful I listened even though there are times I still miss my old "home".


2) I was NEVER EVER again, after my first relationship, going to date someone I hadn't been friends with for at least two years. Then what happened? I met Ben on Super Bowl Sunday 2009, started dating him on March 14, 2009, was engaged on December 14, 2009, and then married on October 23, 2010. If my calculations are right, that is all in less than 2 years. :)


3) We were NOT going to have children for at least the first two years of our marriage. You know, wait to get pregnant until we'd been married 2 years we could say we'd been married at least almost 3 years by the time baby #1 arrived. Well, needless to say I think you can figure the math on that one with the dates you just read about Ben and my relationship and knowing Zoë is due on March 17, 2012. 


Ok God. I think I get the point. You alone are in control and as great as my plans may sound, I better be ready for whatever ride You take me on.


I have to say it sure is scary at times, but He has been with me through the entirety. He is faithful and He provides just what I need when I need it. Nothing more, nothing less. There are times of blessing and there are rough patches, which many a time are blessings in disguise. Thankfully, He constatntly reminds me of this because as I said before, it scares me to think I will be a mom. To know my life will change in the blink of an eye and all I can do is continually lean on Him...Hopefully, I will choose to continually lean on Him for when I am weak, then He is strong.