I'm really having a hard time writing this post. A post to link-up with Holley for her God-sized Dreams series.
Because her question for us to think about and write about this week is remembering positive action that I've previously taken.
And while there is a huge life-altering situation that I did just that, I'm stuck in how I feel right now. Which, I'm pretty sure, is due to being in the most difficult part of the climb.
And I also know that I made it more difficult by thinking when I started off on this journey (the journey began when I started reading Holley's e-book The "Do What You Can" Plan at the beginning of this year which led me to her blog and this series) that by the end of the book, which I finished today, I would be well on my way with cussing behind me. You can read my first God-sized Dreams post here. It explains my current goal.
But yesterday, and a couple days before that, and...yeah, get the picture?
They slipped. Right. Out. Of. My. Mouth.
I didn't even realize it until after I had said it.
Before this horrid streak of uttering at least one a day, I had made it almost two weeks.
Ok, hang with me!
Don't leave me just yet. I'm not telling you all this to throw a massive pity party and inviting you to it. Promise!
All this leads into the story I have to share with you about a time I took positive action. Because, honestly, I could take a lesson or two from my 5-years-ago self.
Let me tell you the story. And please, don't judge. We all have our faults. I'm being open about some of mine in hopes that someone else might either hear God's voice through it or be able to pull out of their pit and return to him.
The year was 2008.
I was coming round the bend from a complete fall out. I'm talking "I want nothing to do with God or the church and I don't see what purpose I really ever found in pursuing a relationship with him anyway" fall out.
It. Was. Rock. Bottom.
Anger, depression, complete disregard for anyone around me. I was miserable! I'm not even sure what I found so pleasing in living like that.
I began seeing the misery of a life lived for self and just how helpless I really am on my own when I realized I wanted some form of alcoholic beverage every day. Not to become totally wasted and not remember what was going on around me. No, I have never blacked out or not remembered an evening because of a drink. But I have drank to numb the pain and anger (oh am I funny when I've had enough to push me past reserved!) and hurt from past and present problems. Really from life.
And so I got up out of bed.
Walked what felt like the longest, hardest twenty-five feet of my life.
And watched as I poured every last ounce of the Vodka I stored in my freezer make its way down my kitchen sink's drain.
It was then I became thirsty. And not the thirst that can be quenched with water.
No. My soul was dying for what I had been running from for several solid months.
So I began reading. And journaling. And praying. Asking God just what he might have in store for me. (And would you please make my mom quit asking me to move to Baton Rouge. Please and Thank you!) (Um...yeah I had and still have a ways to go with the requests I make sometimes. :])
Would you know that after months of searching and months of me telling my mother no but earnestly seeking to hear God's will for my life, I heard a whisper to my soul. I was reading my bible and praying about where God would have me go, especially after I'd been off track for so long. I just wasn't sure what it would look like.
That whisper changed my entire life. (I wouldn't be in Houston now if I hadn't listened.) At the time I wasn't sure why, but I heard God speak to me. Not really with audible words. But a peace came over my heart in that time and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that, were I to stay in God's will and continue with the good I had begun to see sprouting in my life, I was to move to Baton Rouge.
And I did. And I will never be the same because of it. Shoot! I learned my love of science and intermingling it with people (aka nursing) is more than just a fancy - I could actually see myself going back to school for my RN. I met and married the love of my life, who also, at times, feels like a thorn in my side because he pushes me to continually pursue growth in the relationship that matters above all. I was blessed with my sweet daughter who is rounding on a year and I just don't know what I'd do without her.
It really isn't the same. And I don't want it to be the same.
If you hung in there, wow! I hope it maybe has helped you see that even the good struggles aren't always a breeze. But boy are they worth it! (Even if you're like me who wrestles with what feels like ropes holding you back at times. Blasted self-will!)
That moment in my life is thankfully etched forever in my memory. It serves as an altar of sorts where I can thank my God for walking me through every moment of my life. An altar of thanks for reminding me that I am at my greatest when I am on my knees before him because I know I am helpless and absolutely nothing without him. It serves as a reminder that any time, every time, and every single second I live I have the ability to move forward only by his grace and his strength. Though my flesh may wrestle with wanting to do it my way, I can forever be reminded of where that brings me and how much more satisfying a life of pursuing goals he gives me by his strength is.
How I hope and pray I will always use my time to continually run to God every moment I am given!