An Old Journal Entry

To say the last half of this week has been a tough one feels like an understatement.

For starters, I'm really beginning to feel extremely disconnected from those around me. Feeling like I'm doing life all by my lonesome, in which I know that isn't true because my Creator always walks through life with me as long as I foster my relationship with him. But I just can't shake the disconnected feeling.

The move is really starting to ware on me. I'm really starting to miss my friends I had back in Baton Rouge. Not that we haven't stayed connected, but it's just not the same when you don't get face time with them. (Um...kind of hate that Apple had to steal that saying for their version of Skype. But I still love Apple. Just sayin'.)

Then the hubs and I have been wading through some dangerous waters. And that thought is extremely sobering when I consider how, at this time, it's mostly because of me and my struggles. He has been a trooper and extremely understanding. He is such a catch and I'm so blessed to have him!

To add to the fun times going on around here, Zoë and I have come down with a cold. No fever, so I know it's not the flu. But let me tell you, I feel pretty beat. Quite under the weather. And she's pretty fussy about it. Yet, she doesn't want to quit playing even though she's pretty dead beat.

However, the part that I'm really striving to shoo out the door would be working towards getting this particular bumpy road behind the hubs and I.

I really felt God telling me to flip through some of my old journals. In an effort to better understand myself and possibly even shine some light on what is actually going on. So I did. It did help, but what I really loved about it was this little gem I found: an entry from the summer of 2008.

I don't quite remember what caused me to write it, but it still hit home with how I frequently feel in regards to how we, and by we I'm specifically talking about those who say they believe in Christ as Lord and Savior, treat our relationship with Christ. Please understand, this is a vast marginalization of Christ followers, yet I do believe we have all been in a place closely resembling what I wrote.

We've created a tameable Jesus. A Jesus who "captures" people with entertainment. A Jesus who does exactly what you tell him and want of him.

We're not interested in the Jesus who requires us to brave the uncomfortable. The Jesus who turns tables over in righteous anger or asks you to leave certainty behind. We can't stand the Jesus who allows poverty, war, hatred and injustice to continue their hold on humanity.

We either want him to let us stay comfortable while waiting on us hand and foot or we want him to take revenge on those who hurt us. We demand all of this on our time frame.

And if he "can't", then we throw him away like a used paper towel ready to move on to the new and improved - fluffier and more absorbent paper towel. Sometimes he is even the next paper towel we use until we find, yet again, he is completely used.

Maybe he is the 100% recyclable savior; at least, it appears that is what we have made him to be. The big problem, though, then becomes that he isn't as satisfying or usable with each new recycling. And all those miracles we want performed cannot be done at all by something that has the affects of reusable written all over it.

Can you honestly consider these descriptions of Jesus to encompass him as omnipotent? If he's doing what we demand and filling the description of this entertaining, soft, all-loving-but-kill-my-enemies god then can he really be as powerful as he has said he is?

Not only that but none of these descriptions no where near accurately fit who Jesus was as seen throughout scripture.

He wasn't safe: he touched lepers (see Matthew 8:3), contradicted all major religious leaders of his time (see Luke 7:36-39 and Mark 3:1-6, to name a couple), he visited tax collectors (see Luke 19:1-10), among numerous other things.

He wasn't tameable: he rebuked the leaders every time they threw laws in his face (see Mark 2:23-28), he befriended everyone (see Matthew 9:9-13), he spent 40 days in the desert fasting and we know for certain was tempted after (see Matthew 4:1-11), he spoke truth whether blatant or in parable. (I'm not going to post a link for this last part. It's all throughout the gospels [Matthew, Mark, Luke and John] and easy to find.)

He wasn't comfortable: he came to earth while giving up heaven (see John 1:1-18), he was born in a lowly estate (see specifically Luke 2:7, though I love the entire chapter), he wasn't mainstream (see John 6:41-66).

To limit him by what we think or believe he should be is to say he isn't as powerful as he's said or shown through his death and resurrection.

That last statement gives me reason to pause. To think about how I treat my relationship with him. To grieve over how broken I am and yet many times continue to live on my own strength. To grieve over the thought that I have tried to make Jesus fit in my perfect box so I can carry him around like a display for all to see, when it isn't about me. It was never supposed to be about me.

And if I try to live like it's about me and what I can do, how then can he be glorified in and through me?

It was a good reminder for myself that I thought I would share with you because, let's face it, in some form or fashion we have tried to fit Jesus into whatever mold we desire him to. And that is not what I desire.

And yet, I don't have to remain grieving. I am given reason to lift my head so I might fix my eyes on the Cross and use the grief to push me closer to him. To search for his words of life on how I can live wholly for him.