Baby Life

I'm sitting in my kitchen listening to the baby monitor pick up the sound from Zoë's sound machine, aka white noise to block out other sound. :) Life has changed. Drastically.

I knew it would. I was not under any assumption this would be easy. So I mentally did my best to prepare myself for the pending change I knew would be knocking at my door faster than lightning.

But nothing prepares you for this. No amount of time you spend reading books, journaling, conversing about it with others ever prepares you. You can say you're ready, but the truth is, if you believe you're actually ready, you're most certainly not. To honestly say "I'm ready" means you understand amidst the blissful moments of a newborn and the wonderful moments as you raise them, there will be moments to try you in every possible way and many a time they come when you are most fatigued.

Writing this makes me think of my hospital discharge: I will never forget the look on Ben's face as the nurse was "educating" us on being open and honest with how we felt and if ever we found ourselves in a place where we thought we might harm our child to put distance between you and them (of course make sure baby is in a safe place) and call someone immediately - do not take it out on your baby and shake them. That last part was a shocker to Ben. He stared at me with an indescribable expression which had mixed in there a "I can't even imagine doing that to Zoë". He had never heard of such a thing. (Shaken Baby Syndrome is serious. Read about it here)

Needless to say the frustration I had felt as we worked through one of our toughest battles with breastfeeding, I found myself in a place where I felt the feelings I'm sure are attached to those who have actually carried out shaking their baby. As I laid a screaming Zoë on the floor to gather myself before I picked her up again I kept thinking, "Dear Lord, I need your strength!"

That is what will get me through the tough spots. That is what will help me to be the best mommy to my little girl (gah! I still can't believe I am a mom!). That is what will allow me to have peace when there is none physically :) That is what will allow me to enjoy the sweet moments I have and cherish them despite my frustration. I hope I will never forget that.

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