No no. I haven't actually been absent from the blog. I was just getting comments from friends about how they couldn't comment on posts. And so after much deliberation, I'm giving Disqus another go. I know too many people who use it and have no problems. I also know that I would like anyone to be able to comment, but not anonymously and not have to jump through hoops either. So...I'm gonna give it another whirl.
Peace :)
5.10.2013
5.09.2013
Dreams of An Aching Heart
*I was going to schedule this post, but then I felt like I should go ahead and share it, while it's raw. After all, I'm more about honesty on my blog than scheduling so I don't post twice in one day. And please know this: I'm not moping around my home 24/7. Some days are great and I have joy accompanyed by happiness. Others are joy accompanyed by mourning, anger, sorrow or a mix of all the above and then some. If you're new to my blog, you may want to start here*
I ache.
I ache.
Deep within my being.
Oh how I never thought I'd say these words:
"I want to be pregnant."
Now I mock my year-ago-self.
Because I long to be swelling.
Swelling with a life growing within.
Oh the pain!
This loss, so great.
My body reminds me that it is no more.
That I'm waiting.
Waiting for the opportunity.
To hear these words: "Your baby is healthy!"
To say these words: "You're a big sister!"
I ache.
My arms long to cradle new life.
But cannot bear to hold another's.
Yet wants to.
Just to feel the warmth of a tiny life.
And dream.
Dream of the day that just maybe...
Oh, to have once again!
The marks for new parenthood:
eyes weighed down from interrupted sleep
toys and blankets and bottles strewn everywhere
laundry piled at the dryer
a bag stretched 'til there's no more room
and love, an inexplicable, fierce love.
For this my heart shall dream and pray:
the beauty of a sibling brought
three be stretched to equal four
we may once more bestow our love
gathered into welcoming arms
to cherish a most wonderous blessing
oh, life! Sweet life: an infant's cries.
Pleas of a Sick Mom
Dear Sinus Draining Sniffles,
You greeted us a few aweeks ago when the weather began to grow unbearably warm for April and May. Spring was undoubtedly in the air...and on our cars. You just couldn't contain yourself.
So you decided you'd move in. Indefinitely.
Zyrtec and Benadryl seem to be leaving the premises faster than lightning. They help. Some. Yet, despite our best efforts you've just hung around. I'm pretty sure you're sipping on a nice glass of sarcasm right about now. On my sofa.
Seriously?
I'm begging you: set up camp somewhere else. Or better yet, don't set up somewhere else: disappear. Formany, many months forever. Because, as you will see in just a short while, I have another plea to make. And you're the reason that I do.
You've wrecked the sinuses of this home. We can barely stand to breathe. (Literally.) Though you might be credited with giving us amazingly good times for "longest breath held", we'd rather not bear that honor. We'd much rather bare the honor of "quietest breathing technique" or "most exuberant inhalation. ever."
Yeah. Those last two sound much better than the first.
Also, don't you dare touch the ears of my baby or my husband. I suffered enough as is. Ear infections. Ear drum rupture. Antibiotics. Steroids. Antibiotic drops. Oh and all of that lead to antifungal lotion. In my ear. (Yuck!) What the heck? We didn't want the first title. I most certainly wasn't asking for the "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?" award. And I don't want to see it bestowed to either of my loved ones. Should that happen, you better watch your back.
And so, really. I beg you. Pack your bags and hit the road!
Requesting Our Noses Back,
Frequent Nasal Clearer (Yes. Another title I've been bestowed all thanks to you.)
Dear Crackling Cough,
After SDS decided to camp out, you decided you might as well tag along.
Really?!
And though I would rather not have you, I'm more aggrevated that you decided to set up shop with my daughter. My poor, unknowing 13 month old.
She was not aware of you before now.
She still does not understand how to aid her body in ridding itself of you and all the loveliness you've set up a hotel for in her lungs.
And frankly, you have scared her more times than I'd like to count. (As in I should have never been able to count them. at. all.) Not that I mind holding and cuddling her while she naps; I'd rather not have those cuddles be brought on by a terrified baby who clings to her mother because of the problems you bring.
In other news, none of us like sounding like we've chain smoked for the past twenty-something years. (And that's a feat for my child who has only graced this earth with her antics for almost 14 months!) I'm sure you get a laugh from it. Heck. Sometimes I can't keep from laughing at myself. (It's true, but it's the only perk you give. And it's not worth it when looking at the cons.)
With that being said, we beg you: hibernate. Find some place to recluse yourself and remenisce all on your own. But please, leave this house and home.
And if you feel like it, dig your own grave. And stay there. We would be so honored.
Hoping for the Day Fresh Air May Be Enjoyed,
Tired of Being Confused as a Chain Smoker
You greeted us a few aweeks ago when the weather began to grow unbearably warm for April and May. Spring was undoubtedly in the air...and on our cars. You just couldn't contain yourself.
So you decided you'd move in. Indefinitely.
Zyrtec and Benadryl seem to be leaving the premises faster than lightning. They help. Some. Yet, despite our best efforts you've just hung around. I'm pretty sure you're sipping on a nice glass of sarcasm right about now. On my sofa.
Seriously?
I'm begging you: set up camp somewhere else. Or better yet, don't set up somewhere else: disappear. For
You've wrecked the sinuses of this home. We can barely stand to breathe. (Literally.) Though you might be credited with giving us amazingly good times for "longest breath held", we'd rather not bear that honor. We'd much rather bare the honor of "quietest breathing technique" or "most exuberant inhalation. ever."
Yeah. Those last two sound much better than the first.
Also, don't you dare touch the ears of my baby or my husband. I suffered enough as is. Ear infections. Ear drum rupture. Antibiotics. Steroids. Antibiotic drops. Oh and all of that lead to antifungal lotion. In my ear. (Yuck!) What the heck? We didn't want the first title. I most certainly wasn't asking for the "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?" award. And I don't want to see it bestowed to either of my loved ones. Should that happen, you better watch your back.
And so, really. I beg you. Pack your bags and hit the road!
Requesting Our Noses Back,
Frequent Nasal Clearer (Yes. Another title I've been bestowed all thanks to you.)
Dear Crackling Cough,
After SDS decided to camp out, you decided you might as well tag along.
Really?!
And though I would rather not have you, I'm more aggrevated that you decided to set up shop with my daughter. My poor, unknowing 13 month old.
She was not aware of you before now.
She still does not understand how to aid her body in ridding itself of you and all the loveliness you've set up a hotel for in her lungs.
And frankly, you have scared her more times than I'd like to count. (As in I should have never been able to count them. at. all.) Not that I mind holding and cuddling her while she naps; I'd rather not have those cuddles be brought on by a terrified baby who clings to her mother because of the problems you bring.
In other news, none of us like sounding like we've chain smoked for the past twenty-something years. (And that's a feat for my child who has only graced this earth with her antics for almost 14 months!) I'm sure you get a laugh from it. Heck. Sometimes I can't keep from laughing at myself. (It's true, but it's the only perk you give. And it's not worth it when looking at the cons.)
With that being said, we beg you: hibernate. Find some place to recluse yourself and remenisce all on your own. But please, leave this house and home.
And if you feel like it, dig your own grave. And stay there. We would be so honored.
Hoping for the Day Fresh Air May Be Enjoyed,
Tired of Being Confused as a Chain Smoker
5.08.2013
Praying for Him: Starting with Me
Where to begin.
This post is on the tip of mytongue fingers. My mind has exploded with thoughts and realizations of just how far I need to come.
I am realizing first hand the truth Stormie so beautifully conveys in PoPW's first chapter: It doesn't help to simply pray for your husband and hope that God changes him. You have to ask God to work on you first.
"The hard part about being a praying wife, other than the sacrifice of time, is maintaining a pure heart."
The first words of the chapter.
And a light goes on.
I've heard myself say it before, and I know, for certain, I will say it again: we can't focus on what we think needs to be changed in someone else. We have no control over whether or not they change. That is, talking, yelling, hashing it out, dropping hints, trying whatever form of physical action we think may work. We might as well chalk them up to no good.
It ain't goin' anywhere, sister.
That job is for God. God alone has the power to change what you so desperately think needs changing.
Our job is to lay everything down at His feet, bring ourselves willing and ready to work on ourselves (Only ourself. Ouch!), and pray for that for which we think needs to so desperately change.
*face meet palm*
That broken record might as well keep playing. At least, I know I need it to keep on playing.
Oh and Jesus told us so very humbly many, many years ago, "Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? (Matthew 7:4)"
In the process, God will teach us about ourselves. The ways that maybe we thought we were doing well and really were failing as we attempted, desperately, to do it in our own strength. That being hung up on past hurts, disappointments, anger, resentment, you name it is not worth the effort when you could be using all of that to press into Him and hopefully see your marriage built up, made strong in Him, ready to be the team He designed you to be.
One of the points I find in my notes on this chapter is that prayer brings about unity and love.
Stormie points out that you can't truly pray for your mate if you are harboring anything that isn't of God against them. It doesn't matter how big or little it is. If you're hanging on, you're not letting God and prayer most definitely will not really be the communication it was meant to be.
After all, God asks us to be honest with Him. He wants every. last. part. of. us. And when we bring every last part of us and lay it bare before His throne, that allows Him to come in and be God. He can't restore the broken pieces if we aren't willingly admitting our faults, whether that be fear, anger, bitterness. Whatever it is, if we can't admit it, He can't work. And the only way for growth to happen is for honesty about our anger, fear, resentment, and ask that He replace it with love, joy, and peace (and all the other fruits of the spirit that can only come from a heart fully submitted to Him).
Well, I'm not one to be found sitting today where I was yesterday in life. Even if it's what seems two steps back in order to move one step forward. You better believe I'm asking God to give me the strength to face whatever He has for me so that I can become more of His likeness, a vessel for His glory to be displayed.
He answered.
Now I must make a move.
You see, in my time of praying for Ben's wife (sounds kind of funny to say it that way :]), I've fully come face-to-face with something I've known but not really looked into: I do not regard the words of my mouth as healing or damaging. I vent like no woman's business and often find myself coming back to pick up the pieces I've shattered, begging God to show me what I need to do differently, but not really meaning it. Not really wanting to stop.
Because, unfortunately, I sometimes find it kind of nice to vent full-blown like that. Not that I enjoy hurting the target that gets the blow torch. But I love the feeling of releasing the hot air. And I selfishly don't care about who gets the heat. I just want to let it out.
(Maybe I need a sound proof room to let them out. Or better yet, a good punching bag to help literally unleash the force within a bit more constructively.)
My point is I need to learn to vent those feelings to God. And He is showing me, as I willingly ask Him to guide me in this, how my words can do more good if I bring them to Him, wait on His timing, which may mean in a few minutes, or a few weeks, or never, and learn that just because I feel it doesn't always mean that right now is a must time to bring it up.
Stormie talks in depth about this. Here is one of my favorite quotes from this "topic": "When you pray, God reveals anything in your personality that is resistant to His order of things."
He is making me hyper-aware of my order being quite off from His. Yelling or flippantly criticizing my husband is most definitely not God's order of things.
As hard as it is, I'm loving this challenge He has placed before me of praying for Ben over these next 30 weeks (1 down, a life time to go...but 29 for this book). I keep hearing Him whisper to me:
Wait. It doesn't have to be said right now. Wait.
Have you come to me with that yet? What do I have to say about that?
Oh how my heart is feeling the good pain of discipline. The constructive correction of a love Father who wants what is best for me, which then includes what is best for my family as He placed them in my life. This journey, though rough as it may be, excites me knowing that it can only bring about one thing: drawing closer to the heart of my Father. That in turn will only help build my marriage and help grow in me a love that can only come from Him.
And that is what I want to see in my life: His beauty.
Have you prayed for yourself in regards to a significant other (dating, engaged, or married)? What have you learned from that? If you haven't, what's holding you back?
For those of you who are single, how has praying for yourself affected you? This can apply to a relationship that seems sour but you know God wants you to be a part of - be it family, work, or aquaintance. If you aren't praying for yourself, what's holding you back?
Make sure to come back inext week to hear about my week of praying for his job. I'd love to "hear" your thoughts on your prayer experience, too!
This post is on the tip of my
I am realizing first hand the truth Stormie so beautifully conveys in PoPW's first chapter: It doesn't help to simply pray for your husband and hope that God changes him. You have to ask God to work on you first.
"The hard part about being a praying wife, other than the sacrifice of time, is maintaining a pure heart."
The first words of the chapter.
And a light goes on.
I've heard myself say it before, and I know, for certain, I will say it again: we can't focus on what we think needs to be changed in someone else. We have no control over whether or not they change. That is, talking, yelling, hashing it out, dropping hints, trying whatever form of physical action we think may work. We might as well chalk them up to no good.
It ain't goin' anywhere, sister.
That job is for God. God alone has the power to change what you so desperately think needs changing.
Our job is to lay everything down at His feet, bring ourselves willing and ready to work on ourselves (Only ourself. Ouch!), and pray for that for which we think needs to so desperately change.
*face meet palm*
That broken record might as well keep playing. At least, I know I need it to keep on playing.
Oh and Jesus told us so very humbly many, many years ago, "Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye? (Matthew 7:4)"
In the process, God will teach us about ourselves. The ways that maybe we thought we were doing well and really were failing as we attempted, desperately, to do it in our own strength. That being hung up on past hurts, disappointments, anger, resentment, you name it is not worth the effort when you could be using all of that to press into Him and hopefully see your marriage built up, made strong in Him, ready to be the team He designed you to be.
One of the points I find in my notes on this chapter is that prayer brings about unity and love.
Stormie points out that you can't truly pray for your mate if you are harboring anything that isn't of God against them. It doesn't matter how big or little it is. If you're hanging on, you're not letting God and prayer most definitely will not really be the communication it was meant to be.
After all, God asks us to be honest with Him. He wants every. last. part. of. us. And when we bring every last part of us and lay it bare before His throne, that allows Him to come in and be God. He can't restore the broken pieces if we aren't willingly admitting our faults, whether that be fear, anger, bitterness. Whatever it is, if we can't admit it, He can't work. And the only way for growth to happen is for honesty about our anger, fear, resentment, and ask that He replace it with love, joy, and peace (and all the other fruits of the spirit that can only come from a heart fully submitted to Him).
Well, I'm not one to be found sitting today where I was yesterday in life. Even if it's what seems two steps back in order to move one step forward. You better believe I'm asking God to give me the strength to face whatever He has for me so that I can become more of His likeness, a vessel for His glory to be displayed.
He answered.
Now I must make a move.
You see, in my time of praying for Ben's wife (sounds kind of funny to say it that way :]), I've fully come face-to-face with something I've known but not really looked into: I do not regard the words of my mouth as healing or damaging. I vent like no woman's business and often find myself coming back to pick up the pieces I've shattered, begging God to show me what I need to do differently, but not really meaning it. Not really wanting to stop.
Because, unfortunately, I sometimes find it kind of nice to vent full-blown like that. Not that I enjoy hurting the target that gets the blow torch. But I love the feeling of releasing the hot air. And I selfishly don't care about who gets the heat. I just want to let it out.
(Maybe I need a sound proof room to let them out. Or better yet, a good punching bag to help literally unleash the force within a bit more constructively.)
My point is I need to learn to vent those feelings to God. And He is showing me, as I willingly ask Him to guide me in this, how my words can do more good if I bring them to Him, wait on His timing, which may mean in a few minutes, or a few weeks, or never, and learn that just because I feel it doesn't always mean that right now is a must time to bring it up.
Stormie talks in depth about this. Here is one of my favorite quotes from this "topic": "When you pray, God reveals anything in your personality that is resistant to His order of things."
He is making me hyper-aware of my order being quite off from His. Yelling or flippantly criticizing my husband is most definitely not God's order of things.
As hard as it is, I'm loving this challenge He has placed before me of praying for Ben over these next 30 weeks (1 down, a life time to go...but 29 for this book). I keep hearing Him whisper to me:
Wait. It doesn't have to be said right now. Wait.
Have you come to me with that yet? What do I have to say about that?
Oh how my heart is feeling the good pain of discipline. The constructive correction of a love Father who wants what is best for me, which then includes what is best for my family as He placed them in my life. This journey, though rough as it may be, excites me knowing that it can only bring about one thing: drawing closer to the heart of my Father. That in turn will only help build my marriage and help grow in me a love that can only come from Him.
And that is what I want to see in my life: His beauty.
Have you prayed for yourself in regards to a significant other (dating, engaged, or married)? What have you learned from that? If you haven't, what's holding you back?
For those of you who are single, how has praying for yourself affected you? This can apply to a relationship that seems sour but you know God wants you to be a part of - be it family, work, or aquaintance. If you aren't praying for yourself, what's holding you back?
Make sure to come back inext week to hear about my week of praying for his job. I'd love to "hear" your thoughts on your prayer experience, too!
5.07.2013
Value: It's From Within
I'm loving how Twitter can keep me connected with the outside world without always having to turn on my T.V. to watch the news. I'm just not a fan of actually listening to all the brokenness of our world on a daily basis. Reading it isn't really my thing either, but I also feel I should keep up with it some in order to not be completely disconnected from the world I'm living in.
I just so happened to come across this post via a tweet earlier this week.
So I'm definitely behind the times in that I had no clue Beyoncé was touring, let alone the clothes she has chosen to wear on said tour. However, when I read this post, all I could think was "Amen, Bianca! Way to boldly and eloquently put out there what everyone needs to hear and be reminded of."
Honestly, I don't know that I have much to add to Bianca's letter.
Except maybe this: by God's grace, I pray that I can teach my daughter about the value of her body and that nothing can change her value in God's sight, but there are actions that would not be giving glory To God for or caring for the valuable body she has been given. I want her to see that her value is from within, not based off what she wears, does, or who she is friends (or not friends) with.
I hope that I can teach her to see the value in every human being and to help those who've been placed in her path that they are worth something. That clothing and character can be used in a completely flattering way without devaluing or shaming that which is there. Because, let's face it, value is internal and displayed externally by what we clothe ourselves with.
I hope I can teach her to help those who don't have a voice whether it was taken from them or they gave it away see that they can have a voice and that voice is worth something.
Thank you, Bianca, for taking the time to write a call to action. Thank you!
I just so happened to come across this post via a tweet earlier this week.
So I'm definitely behind the times in that I had no clue Beyoncé was touring, let alone the clothes she has chosen to wear on said tour. However, when I read this post, all I could think was "Amen, Bianca! Way to boldly and eloquently put out there what everyone needs to hear and be reminded of."
Honestly, I don't know that I have much to add to Bianca's letter.
Except maybe this: by God's grace, I pray that I can teach my daughter about the value of her body and that nothing can change her value in God's sight, but there are actions that would not be giving glory To God for or caring for the valuable body she has been given. I want her to see that her value is from within, not based off what she wears, does, or who she is friends (or not friends) with.
I hope that I can teach her to see the value in every human being and to help those who've been placed in her path that they are worth something. That clothing and character can be used in a completely flattering way without devaluing or shaming that which is there. Because, let's face it, value is internal and displayed externally by what we clothe ourselves with.
I hope I can teach her to help those who don't have a voice whether it was taken from them or they gave it away see that they can have a voice and that voice is worth something.
Thank you, Bianca, for taking the time to write a call to action. Thank you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
