Stuck

At least, that is how I feel at the time being. Not that it's a bad thing; honestly, I'm such a home body, not leaving my home doesn't bother me a great deal.

Except when I feel like I'm trapped.

And right now, I'm trapped. Trapped by my lack of knowledge of how to successfully get 3 human beings out of the house before lunch or nap or, in the matter of a newborn, time to nurse. Not that I don't nurse with a cover in public. If you ran into me when our little family of four went grocery shopping this past week, you would have found me roaming Sam's and Walmart with a nursing cover on.

My problem is even if I wake before the girls, I somehow don't get enough of my own stuff done so that once Zoë has finished breakfast, and Aubrey nursing, we can skidaddle out the door.

So if you need me, I'm most likely occupying some space in my home. And unless I'm calling for help, don't worry about me. Just pray that I'm not forgetting some important aspect of caring for my home...like making sure we have food for the week. :)

Meaning Behind the Name

Today I wanted to share the meaning behind Aubrey's name. Though I'm slightly hesitant because the book Ben and I choose names from lists two different origins with two different meanings for her first name. And though Ben likes names to have character behind the meaning, the second meaning listed doesn't bother him. But it bothers me. Because I am not so fond of naming my daughter Aubrey when it means "elf ruler". And if you search online, the only origin you can find is French which is the one meaning elf ruler.

Anyone with me on not jumping to give your daughter a name meaning elf ruler?

Well, I guess what matters is I know the meaning we named her for.

So let's have out with it.

Aubrey

Kate

Aubrey, when traced back to Germanic origin, means "noble". Noble, by definition, means "having or showing fine personal qualities or high moral principles and ideals."

Kate is Greek in origin. It means "pure, blessed". Pure means "not mixed or adulterated with any other substance or material. Blessed has two different meanings: as an adjective it means "made holy; consecrated." As a noun it means "those who live with God in heaven."

Our hearts desire for Aubrey is that she will grow into a young woman with high moral principles and ideals. Hopefully, based on a heart for Christ. With that heart for Christ, we hope she will remain pure in her commitment for Him, living a life set apart for His glory.

So while she is but a wee babe now, I find myself silently asking God to draw her heart to Him. It would be my ultimate joy as her mother.

And completely beside the point, for those of you who enjoy reading birth stories as much as I do, be looking out for Aubrey's birth story. Can't give a promised date, but it's in the workings and I will be posting it within the next week.

To My Sweet Bug

Blowing out the candle in your birthday, breakfast waffle

Zoë, Zoë, Zoë...

Where to begin? (I write that as though I know this letter will be long, but I honestly can't tell you it's length. No matter, it is straight from your momma's heart.) I guess I should start by saying:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

I still cannot believe you are two. 2 years old!

It feels like yesterday I was hearing the words, "It's a girl!" as the doctor held you up for my eyes to behold you in all of your fresh from the womb glory. So, so beautiful! (Though the way I just said that sounds a little weird, right? I'm sorry...can we blame the fact I haven't had a solid nights sleep, let alone a solid 3 hours of sleep, in the past 5 weeks? Actually...it probably would have come out like that anyway. Oh well :])

I'll be honest: becoming a mommy frightened me a bit. And sometimes I'm still afraid I will have made more wrong choices in raising you than right. But I'm so glad I've been given the opportunity; you are such a delight to me and to our entire home!

Zoë you light up whatever room you are in. And you definitely make sure people know you are here. You're still a little reserved when first coming in to a large group of people, but it isn't long after you are being silly, asking for everyone's eyes to be on you, desiring to be delighted in. You have no qualms with asking for you want and being persistent in the process. While the etiquette of our culture almost demands I teach you to tone down both of those characteristics, I'm so very hesitant to knowing they can be great assests to you when you are older. I so hope your tenacity for getting what you want is not lost but honed so you can properly use it when you need it.

You also LOVE to engage people in laughter. If there is a way to get people laughing, you are going to find it. You search it out and when you find it, your squeals of laughter reverberate off of every wall it can. I could listen to you laugh for hours. It is so pure. So contagious. So innocent.

And as I stare at the picture I posted above, I can't help but be reminded of how often your daddy and I talk about how beautiful you are. My biggest hope is you will come to understand your beauty comes from within and is displayed outwardly. This doesn't mean you can't enjoy dressing up and feeling pretty on the outside, but that there is no need to work with or change your outward appearance to be beautiful. I'm thinking I may be getting a little serious as you are still so young, but I daily watch you enjoy feeling pretty. Currently your "princess shoes", as you have dubbed them all because of a disney princess decal inside the shoe, are your favorite.

You love showing them to whoever will look and often tell them "pretty" while pointing your toe to emphasize the fact you think they are pretty. You sometimes follow this scenario up with an index finger pointing at your chest and saying, "Zoë pretty." This is likely why I think so deeply on this issue even though you are just a little tot.

Ah! I love you so much, Zoë. And am ever so glad to call you my daughter. 

Happy Birthday, Sweet Pea!

Love,

Mommy

It's back...

...and I'm not so sure how I feel about it.

While I'm not complaining it's back, because it definitely is one of those "blessing in disguise" situations, I am praying against it helping in the undoing of my nerves. Which are worn thin from lack of sleep.

I'm aware those last two sentences seem like I'm complaining. I really am not. They are sheer fact in this household running on few hours of sleep. That is all. I promise.

And now I'm realizing I've left you in the dark.

What exactly is back? you ask.

Well, I did a small search of my blog and while I'm not sure I shared this craziness when Zoë was just a wee babe (my lordy I am no fan of how quickly she is growing! By no means is she passed the stage where I can call her a tot, but she really isn't much of a baby at all anymore. In fact, she adamently tells me she isn't one if I ask her "Are you my baby?"), I can asure you: we lived through it with Zoë and I'm reliving it with Aubrey:

phantom crying

And while I am ever grateful the true crying seems to be very minimal right now, starting because I think I hear Aubrey crying...man, that just undoes me. I'm not sure why.

Maybe because the phantom baby cries like something horrible is happening to it.

Maybe it's because the worry every mom has (yes, I'm about to vastly generalize but I'm pretty sure every mom has the worry I'm about to mention.) of whether her baby is really sleeping in their bed or something has gone horribly wrong is playing tricks on my mind.

Maybe it's because I'd almost rather it be real crying I could do something about rather than these purely mentally subconcious cries I have no control over at all, except for to remind my mind they aren't real, they're in my head. (ummm...do I sound crazy? Please don't send me to the psych ward. I'm just running on low sleep.)

But whatever it is, my nerves almost start pumping adrenaline and have me feeling like I could run a marathon in 7 minutes. And while I know I can't run that fast, period, I definitely wish I could get the extra energy it gives me on a constant pump. Without the low it also produces after the effect.

So is anyone with me? Please tell me I'm not the only mom or caretaker of an infant who has experienced this phenomenon. Because if I am, well...then maybe I do need to be seen by my doctor so I can avoid the mental ward.

Because I'm hearing it...again.

1 Month [Aubrey]

Time always seems a funny thing when you have a newborn. Even funnier when you have an almost 2 year old and a newborn. The days seem infintessimally longer while weeks seem to slip straight through your fingers. There are even those rare days which seem to fly by, which throws a complete curve ball into grasping time, when you get to soak in all the glory and blessing of having a quiver full of children. And I'm just today experiencing the full fledged reality of raising two kids on my own for 8+ hours of the day. (Please, pray for me!!)

That being said, I'm several days late in getting this written and posted, but when it comes to my kids always better late than never I try to write the post at some point so I have it as a keepsake. And just to keep it real: while I'd love to say the posts are late because I'm engaged 100% as a mom and giving them what they need from me, sometimes I'm still wasting my time on social media or half-way giving them my attention even when my writing has fallen to the way side.

Anyway...

I cannot believe Aubrey is already a month old! As of last Wednesday! Gah.

I'd really be ok if time would stand still. If even for a moment. Mentally I feel it may help with the emotional roller coaster the month of March will always be for me, but especially this year. I will always have Zoë's and my Angel baby's birthdays, but this year...yes, this year...I am still dealing with postpartum hormones, celebrating Aubrey's 1 month milestone, Zoë's 2 year, and my little Angel's 1 year.

This is such a joyous and sorrowful time.

But this post is a joyous one. A post to begin the monthly milestones Aubrey makes. A post celebrating the wonderful blessing of another child. Life is a gift.

To that end I wanted to post some extremely rookie pics taken with a point n shoot with a manual mode that no longer functions properly. And auto mode...well, it's just not as great for taking pics of an infant. But I'd rather have pictures than none to capture this time at all.

First off, let me show you just how good I am at making my babies cry when I attempt any semblance of a mini photo shoot. This particular picture was captured after several different positions in different places. Every. last. one happened to make Aubrey cry. Way to go, Mom!

This one isn't a great pic, but the face. Oh, the face! I crack up every time I see this picture. She purses her lips like that a lot too. Already bringing additional laughter into our home.

Finally was able to get her to settle down by swaddling her. Then big sister decided she wanted in on the "cheese" action. Here she is pointing to Aubrey's head band. Though they obviously can't truly interact with one another yet, moments like these melt my heart and give life to the hope of them becoming best buds.

I'm biased, but man she's cute! And it still blows my mind she has so much dark hair. I seriously thought I would always have bald babies.

Nothing like a sweet, sleeping baby.

I consider this her first "see how I'm growing" picture. There was no way I was going to get one with her unswaddled; plus, she still hasn't lost all the newborn womb syndrome (curled up in a ball like she still has no room to stretch).

1 Month Stats

• At 2 weeks you weighed 8 pounds 5 ounces. This means you had gained almost an entire pound in about 7 days. As your doctor told me, "[You're] killing it on weight!" Mommy has "ghetto weighed" you since then. If our scale is correct, you now weigh around 11 pounds. I'll be very curious to get an official weight on you at your 2 month check-up. You're healthy so we weren't required to go in for a one month.
• You measured 21 inches at 2 weeks old which is up 1 1/4 inches from birth. You currently are almost out of newborn size onesies. It does depend on the brand, but a majority of them do not fit.
• You're very patient with me as I try to figure out the correct size on the cloth diapers we are borrowing. I'm curious to see if this will transform into a more laid back personality.
• You are becoming more alert by the day. Your most attentive times are when we first wake up in the morning and after your midafternoon eating session.
• You continue to nurse like a champ. I'm so grateful nursing has been a relative breeze with you. We've had our hiccups, but the older you get, the fewer problems we have. You've even had several days where you will nurse for 10 minutes each side and last three hours between nursing sessions.
• You aren't a big fan of tummy time. Rarely you'll last a good ten to fifteen minutes, but most of the time I feel like as soon as I've set you down you begin fussing about it.
• You enjoy snuggling. Oh, do you snuggle! Your favorite spot is to be on my shoulder but able to nestle your head into my neck.

Aubrey,

Words cannot describe how much my joy has increased by having you in my arms. I am still amazed I was pregnant with you so quickly after we lost your sibling. And now to have you, flesh and blood, in my arms. What a sweet, sweet gift you are!

As you continue to grow and show signs of thriving I become ever more curious of who you will develop to be. How will you touch the lives around you? What will the daily interactions with your sister look like? What will you like? What will you dislike? (We're already very aware of the fact you do not have an inclination for music the way your sister did. We have yet to find any song to soothe you. In fact, some of them seem to make you more riled up or angry.)

It is my joy and honor to be your mommy. To get to know you as only a mother is able.

I love you very much, sweet girl!

Mommy