Trapped

I apparently have a theme going on in my life. I wrote a post about how I feel stuck on Monday.

Though the reasoning behind that post is different from what I'm feeling right now, I feel trapped. Trapped with thoughts in my head to which I am unable to put words or even completely give life to them so they are more than a blur.

And it's almost leaving me gasping for air.

Maybe one day soon I will be able to sort it out and give life to whatever is going on up there in my mind. Until then, I will be working to figure it out so I can feel free.

*Side note: For those of you who have been wondering when it will post, Aubrey's birth story is slated to be on the blog this Friday!*

Today May Be the Death of Me

Those were words I typed into my facebook status just last week. Words which didn't really hit me any particular way as they flew out from under my fingers.

It really was a rough day. I honestly thought if I wasn't careful that day could see me dead at the end of it. (Gee those last words aren't pretty to admit, but there really are days like that around here. Those days, thankfully, generally remind me of my great need for a Savior.) And while I wish I could say I typed those words out hoping they would offer some consolation to other moms who have had or were experiencing a similar day, I was truly selfishly thinking of myself, complaining to everyone of my current misery while simultaneously reaching out for any life saving device that could be thrown my way so as I didn't end up anywhere near headline news.

And though I'm not sure why I did it, at the end of that wearing day, I went back to reread what I wrote. The minute I read it, I was convicted:

I had quickly typed those words out selfishly, when in actuality, my faith necessitates this of me. Daily.

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.'"

Matthew 16:24, 25 (also see Mark 8:34, 35, and Luke 9:23, 24; they're practically identical)

While the original intent of my words is not what Christ is speaking of, every day should be a metaphorical death of me: a death of me and living for Him and His glory. A death of all the ugly character qualities I possess which rub people the wrong way, even myself at times. A death of using all the "pretty" character qualities I have for my own personal gain. A death of doing what I want for my own personal enjoyment or pleasure.

But I don't wake up reminding myself of what He has called me to.

I don't take time to start my day asking God to help me to die to myself again. continually.

Yet, why am I not? What is holding me back from living sold out to my God who gave everything for me so I might have an eternity with Him?

I'm not saying every Christian you come in contact with will verbally be radical in their faith. I personally believe some have the gift of evangelism while others are not going to show Christ in this manner. But what I am saying, and what I'm confessing I many times become apathetic in, is every Christian you encounter will and should be known by how they love. How they live. The day in and day out choices made.

And so while my original meaning of that statement was of a literal, physical death surrounded by pure selfishness, I hope to change the saying a bit and find it has become something with a whole new meaning.

How would I change it?

Today is the death of me.

Stuck

At least, that is how I feel at the time being. Not that it's a bad thing; honestly, I'm such a home body, not leaving my home doesn't bother me a great deal.

Except when I feel like I'm trapped.

And right now, I'm trapped. Trapped by my lack of knowledge of how to successfully get 3 human beings out of the house before lunch or nap or, in the matter of a newborn, time to nurse. Not that I don't nurse with a cover in public. If you ran into me when our little family of four went grocery shopping this past week, you would have found me roaming Sam's and Walmart with a nursing cover on.

My problem is even if I wake before the girls, I somehow don't get enough of my own stuff done so that once Zoë has finished breakfast, and Aubrey nursing, we can skidaddle out the door.

So if you need me, I'm most likely occupying some space in my home. And unless I'm calling for help, don't worry about me. Just pray that I'm not forgetting some important aspect of caring for my home...like making sure we have food for the week. :)

Meaning Behind the Name

Today I wanted to share the meaning behind Aubrey's name. Though I'm slightly hesitant because the book Ben and I choose names from lists two different origins with two different meanings for her first name. And though Ben likes names to have character behind the meaning, the second meaning listed doesn't bother him. But it bothers me. Because I am not so fond of naming my daughter Aubrey when it means "elf ruler". And if you search online, the only origin you can find is French which is the one meaning elf ruler.

Anyone with me on not jumping to give your daughter a name meaning elf ruler?

Well, I guess what matters is I know the meaning we named her for.

So let's have out with it.

Aubrey

Kate

Aubrey, when traced back to Germanic origin, means "noble". Noble, by definition, means "having or showing fine personal qualities or high moral principles and ideals."

Kate is Greek in origin. It means "pure, blessed". Pure means "not mixed or adulterated with any other substance or material. Blessed has two different meanings: as an adjective it means "made holy; consecrated." As a noun it means "those who live with God in heaven."

Our hearts desire for Aubrey is that she will grow into a young woman with high moral principles and ideals. Hopefully, based on a heart for Christ. With that heart for Christ, we hope she will remain pure in her commitment for Him, living a life set apart for His glory.

So while she is but a wee babe now, I find myself silently asking God to draw her heart to Him. It would be my ultimate joy as her mother.

And completely beside the point, for those of you who enjoy reading birth stories as much as I do, be looking out for Aubrey's birth story. Can't give a promised date, but it's in the workings and I will be posting it within the next week.

To My Sweet Bug

Blowing out the candle in your birthday, breakfast waffle

Zoë, Zoë, Zoë...

Where to begin? (I write that as though I know this letter will be long, but I honestly can't tell you it's length. No matter, it is straight from your momma's heart.) I guess I should start by saying:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

I still cannot believe you are two. 2 years old!

It feels like yesterday I was hearing the words, "It's a girl!" as the doctor held you up for my eyes to behold you in all of your fresh from the womb glory. So, so beautiful! (Though the way I just said that sounds a little weird, right? I'm sorry...can we blame the fact I haven't had a solid nights sleep, let alone a solid 3 hours of sleep, in the past 5 weeks? Actually...it probably would have come out like that anyway. Oh well :])

I'll be honest: becoming a mommy frightened me a bit. And sometimes I'm still afraid I will have made more wrong choices in raising you than right. But I'm so glad I've been given the opportunity; you are such a delight to me and to our entire home!

Zoë you light up whatever room you are in. And you definitely make sure people know you are here. You're still a little reserved when first coming in to a large group of people, but it isn't long after you are being silly, asking for everyone's eyes to be on you, desiring to be delighted in. You have no qualms with asking for you want and being persistent in the process. While the etiquette of our culture almost demands I teach you to tone down both of those characteristics, I'm so very hesitant to knowing they can be great assests to you when you are older. I so hope your tenacity for getting what you want is not lost but honed so you can properly use it when you need it.

You also LOVE to engage people in laughter. If there is a way to get people laughing, you are going to find it. You search it out and when you find it, your squeals of laughter reverberate off of every wall it can. I could listen to you laugh for hours. It is so pure. So contagious. So innocent.

And as I stare at the picture I posted above, I can't help but be reminded of how often your daddy and I talk about how beautiful you are. My biggest hope is you will come to understand your beauty comes from within and is displayed outwardly. This doesn't mean you can't enjoy dressing up and feeling pretty on the outside, but that there is no need to work with or change your outward appearance to be beautiful. I'm thinking I may be getting a little serious as you are still so young, but I daily watch you enjoy feeling pretty. Currently your "princess shoes", as you have dubbed them all because of a disney princess decal inside the shoe, are your favorite.

You love showing them to whoever will look and often tell them "pretty" while pointing your toe to emphasize the fact you think they are pretty. You sometimes follow this scenario up with an index finger pointing at your chest and saying, "Zoë pretty." This is likely why I think so deeply on this issue even though you are just a little tot.

Ah! I love you so much, Zoë. And am ever so glad to call you my daughter. 

Happy Birthday, Sweet Pea!

Love,

Mommy