Pondering Birth

*NOTE: This post was supposed to be scheduled to publish on 2/4/14. Somehow, I messed up and must have only saved it, not published with a scheduled time. So, this was finished before Aubrey's birth, but not published until after :)*

What do you do when you're almost full term (and I mean the full 40 weeks) and you're restless?

I would guess there are a vast array of answers to that question as different as every woman who has ever been there. It also depends on whether or not you have loads of time to ponder in the middle of the night because you get up so much and it takes time to get comfortable and fall back asleep every time. (I like to hope this is preparing me for life with a newborn, but let's face it: life with a newborn is way more draining than having to wake up to use the bathroom 7 times in the middle of the night. You can almost stay asleep. Almost.)

Being I am one of the latter, I have had way too much time to ponder way too many thoughts. Some of them are great learning tools in trusting God's sovereignty over every. single. situation. Some of them have been great tools in building my confidence in choices Ben and I have made throughout this pregnancy different from the pregnancy with Zoë. Thankfully, either way, I have been learning from everything which happens to cross my mind at 2 in the morning, and other times throughout the day, and not found myself stressed out from thoughts which could completely overwhelm me.

One place my mind keeps going is our decision to have an unmedicated birth. If you have been following me for a while, you are probably familiar with Zoë's birth story. If not, then you know I had gone in hoping for an unmedicated birth, but looking back there was a lot I didn't do to prepare, I assumed my OB was on my side as far as letting my body do what it was designed to, and found myself thinking if I had it to do all over again, I would do it differently next time.

Don't get me wrong, Zoë's birth story is beautiful in that God graciously bestowed on me a healthy, vibrant baby girl. Yet, likely for many reasons though I've yet to fully explore every thought I've had about her birth, I was left wanting after her birth story. I have also had some issues from decisions made during her birth which possibly could have been completely avoided. I say possibly because even when you have an unmedicated birth there are chances some of my "problems" could occur. However, the percentage of said issues is much lower and I would rather know I did everything in my power to prevent them rather than wonder if I would have them had I let my body be.

I am also not one to tell everyone I think they're (fill in the blank) for choosing to have an epidural or whatever choices they decide to make with their birth experience(s). Yes, I have an opinion about unmedicated birth and why I personally believe it is best for both mother and baby, but I do not judge those who decide to make a different decision for themselves and their baby.

However, I do find myself wondering if I will really stick through an entire labor choosing to allow my body to do everything on it's own with no medicine for pain. I wonder if I will throw in the towel somewhere close to the end. There is still fear I may end up with a doctor or nurse who pushes pain medicines or runs to interventions. (Dear Lord, please let my OB be the one over my entire labor and birth!)

I have been asked so many times if I had had an unmedicated birth before. I have been thrown looks of "You're crazy!" or heard statements which were meant to be encouraging yet all I heard was "Yeah..you're likely going to want the epidural again."

It has been a rare instance to run into someone who has chosen unmedicated birth. (I have met several people who weren't planning on it but their labor was so short they didn't have a choice.) It has been an even more rare occurrence to meet someone who hasn't chosen the unmedicated route but who doesn't throw a stone at my decision. (And last I checked, you may think I'm crazy or simply differ in opinion, but when it comes to me, the only opinion that matters here is mine. <- Can you hear a bit of my frustration? haha.)

All of this just to say I often wonder what the final outcome of this will be. And honestly, I wonder how much I will care what really happens in the end because the closer little Aubrey's due date comes the more I just want to hold my rainbow baby in my arms. To hear "IT'S A GIRL!" and simultaneously find out she is healthy. To be able to say God has fully lavished blessing upon blessing in bestowing another life, this one living and breathing this side of Heaven, into my arms.

WE HAVE A RAINBOW BABY!!!!

God is good! So, so unbelievably good!! 

If you follow me on Twitter or Instagram, then you've likely seen the picture of Ben and me with our newest addition to our family.

I simply wanted to tell the world every way possible:

Aubrey Kate

was born on February 5, 2014,

at 15:06

weighing 7 pounds 6 ounces

and measuring 19 3/4 inches long

We are simply beside ourselves as we soak in the beauty of this new gift!

38 Weeks [A Bumpdate]

*NOTE: Some of what I say in this post may sound like I'm complaining. While the pregnancy is getting to be quite uncomfortable as, by this point, all my internal, abdominal organs have been pushed out of their proper place, I'm really trying to state the facts so I can remember what it was like at this point in the pregnancy. Every movement I feel, every discomfort (which may make me cringe or I may wish away in that particular moment), is seen as a blessing I am still carrying my rainbow baby. I see it as a gift because I know God does not owe me the joy of child, let alone another one. Please understand while I wish no one had to feel these discomforts in their pregnancy, I simultaneously sit and pray asking God to bless those who desire children. I am simply listing facts so I have them to go back and look at later. My overall attitude, which I hope is what people pick up on, is one of gratefulness for the blessing I carry.*

How Far Along: I am 38 weeks and 5 days. 9 days until I'm 40 weeks! (SAY WHAAAT?!?!)

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Last official weight check says I'm back to having gained only 32. Seems I tend to fluctuate now. I'm perfectly fine with that.

Gimme' some of that!: Enchiladas. Tamales (still haven't satisified that one yet). And ice cream :)

How I Feel: Nauseous. Very swollen - at least in my feet and legs. I feel like part of me is turning into sausages. (Just check out my twitter feed this past week. I took a pic of one of my feet and you can see exactly what I'm talking about.) Exhausted. Ready.

Movement: I'm so nervous this is going to decrease or stop completely. There are many factors playing into fear of losing her and right now my biggest battle is hanging on tight to the promise I serve a good and faithful God, one who allows everything to happen for the purpose of His glory. Though, that being said, my hope is it will glorify Him most for me to bring home a healthy, needy (did I just type that last word?) baby to make our family grow from 3 to 4.

Sleep: Getting maybe an hour and half stretch at a time. I wake to go to the bathroom that often. Or needing to change position because my body aches from the weight staying all on one side.

What I Miss: The ease of rolling over in my bed and the ability to only need to go to the bathroom my normal amount.

What I'm Looking Forward To: My rainbow baby being placed on my chest.

37 Weeks [A Bumpdate]

How Far Along: I am 37 weeks and 5 days. 16 days until I'm 40 weeks! (Whaaaat?!?! There are times I thought this day would never come. And while there is still fear I may lose my rainbow baby, I can feel my heart growing as it prepares to welcome our little bundle to actually live with us this side of heaven!)

Total Weight Gain/Loss: 34 pounds. My weight gain is up and down. And my home scale doesn't always register the same as my OBs does. I can't complain. It at least means my baby is growing for which I am very blessed! And I'm pretty sure I gained somewhere around this amount with Zoë. 

What's Up with Food: I only crave unhealthy food. Not such a fan of that. However, because we generally don't keep much of it around, I generally don't have it to nab. Just kind of stinks when what I want is something I shouldn't have. 

How I Feel: Like if I can mentally keep this baby in until February 1st, then I could care less with when she comes. Why February 1st? It puts us a few days past 38 weeks which makes me feel way more comfortable about her arrival than if she came now, though I highly doubt now would pose too many issues anyway. Either way, it gives me peace of mind.

Maternity Clothes: There are very few tops I can wear. I'm thinking it'd be nice if I could just hole myself up on a couch, though that does nothing for Zoë's mood and nothing to keep me healthy for labor and birth.

Movement: She has pretty consistent times of movement these days. And with as little room as she has left to grow, it generally doesn't feel so great. Pretty sure she loves to sit indian style, too, as I frequently have to bony protrusions showing on opposite sides of the upper part of my middle. Always makes us laugh.

Sleep: What is that?!

What I Miss: Being able to roll over in my bed, yet at the same time I wouldn't trade it for the world. It just means we're that much closer to having a bundle of joy welcomed into our home.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Holding my sweet rainbow baby!!!!!!

Favorite Moment of the Week: As it would happen, it was actually last night. Aubrey was doing one of her alien-like indian style shows. I asked Zoë if she wanted to feel where her baby sister was. She got excited and ran over to me. As I took her little hand and rubbed whichever part of Aubrey was showing itself, she laughed and then patted her. Can't wait for Zoë to be a big sister!! She's definitely going to be great at it. (I'm sure there will be much teaching in the ways of getting in trouble too.)

Thoughts on Marriage and Counseling

So I had mentioned in one of my more recent bumpdates how the highlight of my week was a marriage clinic Ben and I went to.

While I'm not about to get into specifics of what exactly went on during our time, I will say there was much learned we both felt was a tremendous help in making sure we have a solid foundation to build on. Something about our time also started the wheels spinning as far as how people view marriage counseling or seminars.

Honestly, this is a vast generalization I'm about to put out there, but I hear it all the time in many different ways:

"Oh, we're good! We don't need counseling."

"Well, we/he/she/I would never do ___________."

"We don't have problems."

"They went to counseling?! Gee I didn't know they were so far gone."

The statements I've heard are numerous. They all run along the same lines: our marriage is good, thank you! We don't need help. And counseling is only for those who are completely gone.

However, if there is one belief I have about counseling and marriage, which was solidified by our three days to work on what we have, it is this: whether so far gone you're ready to call it quits or living on one of the beautiful plateus marriages have, there is always something to work on and always  something new you can learn to strengthen your marriage. And counseling is both for the good times and the "HELP! We're drowning!" times.

Yet many people can't even muster the courage to say they need or want or went to counseling. It's like this massive elephant in the room whereupon anyone who finds out they had to "succumb" to counseling will no longer be their friend or pity them. The lens through which counseling, really for anything, is viewed is rarely a positive one.

My heart hurts just thinking about it. Partially because of empathy, but more so because the three days Ben and I spent working on our relationship has brought us closer than I think we've ever been in our 4 years together, 3 years of marriage. We learned are continuing to make a communication model taught during the clinic a habit. We were given tools to help us be at our healthiest spiritually and emotionally. We were given insights into one another to help us understand where the other is coming from so the playing field is even.

At the end of it all, much is left to our choices. We can't be forced to continue what we were taught in those three days. We could choose to leave everything taught us behind. We could choose to see counseling as only for those who are ready to abandon ship.

Then we would have missed out on the awesome opportunity placed before us.

Without rambling any longer, I say all of this to encourage anyone who wants to get married, is engaged, or is already married: counseling is one of the best ways to make sure the foundation of your marriage is solid to build on. Every marriage will have it's times where a crack needs to be fixed. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage because we are all broken people, but what there can be is a marriage willling to always face the hard parts as well as the blessed parts of the relationship so that it may thrive in a world where many circumstances strive to destroy a beautiful relationship. So whether there is a crack needing repair or a desire to keep a good foundation strong, I encourage you to see counseling as a great support to keep a strong foundation.