1 Year [A Bittersweet]

*Today marks the one year birthday of our sweet angel baby. And while we don't know our baby's gender and we never were able to name him or her, I still think about them on a pretty consistent basis. So I wrote a letter to them. Because it seemed right.*

My Sweet Baby,

One year ago today you were born into your Jesus' arms. Even though the memory of it all is painful and there are times I wish I could forget, I am certain I will never forget.

Because you see, while I would never wish to lose you, your death gave life to your sweet sister, Aubrey. And I simply cannot imagine life without her.

Yet I find I miss you. I miss you when I'm corraling your siblings to leave the house. I miss you when I fold the tiny clothes made dirty by imaginary play and spit up. I miss you when I fix meals and am serving out the child-size portions. I miss you when I pass the hospital I sat within waiting and hoping for words of hope all the while knowing I would only wish the earth would open up and swallow me there on the spot. (Just for the record, I wouldn't mind if I never have to set foot in their halls again.) I miss you when I hear your older sister laughing and I know yours should already be mingled with it. I miss you when I think of the milestones we would be celebrating with you.

And oh how I want to hold you! To feel your warmth against me. To pick you up when you fall after taking your first steps.

While I want all of this, while I miss you, part of me feels like missing you is wanting to have my cake and eat it, too.

And so even though it hurts to know I will never know you this side of heaven, I also have a peace about it all knowing without your death Aubrey would not be here.

Enjoy being in His presence, Little One!

I love you!!
Mommy