1.02.2012

To "Decluttering" My Mind

My title hits the nail on the head with what I feel should be a top priority in my life right now. I was reading Little Mrs. Married's blog from yesterday and it got me thinking:

I find myself constantly half-heartedly trudging through my emotions and thoughts on a frequent basis. I rarely take the time to delve into them whether solely in thought or by penning them down for my continually growing self. It isn't that I don't process my thoughts and/or emotions at all; it's more like I simply push them aside whether from extreme fatigue (and let's face it I'm running on low a lot right now between my high stress job and 29 weeks of pregnancy), not wanting to face what may be on the other side, or life's many distractions taking over so that I quickly walk away leaving myself with a sticky-note promise - "FOR LATER REVIEW". But I never make it back. It sits and waits for hours. Then days which sometimes become months.

I understand there will be times for fatigue and schedules to push the delving aside. I just do it too much. Thus, as time passes, the "clutter" of thoughts and emotions begin to build up until I have a hefty pool begging me to drink deeply before it floods over becoming utter chaos. The sad part is sometimes I lose the happy thoughts in the midst of the treacherous tempests and when I go back only the tempest is left to be found. It has swallowed the good with it.

So all this to say, I want to try to take the time on a consistent basis to journal for my own personal sake. It may end up on my blog at times but it at least should (hopefully) find it's way to a page in my personal journal or etched into my memory. I do have to say, however, a paper journal would do more justice as memory is every changing and fading and sometimes hormones make storing a memory almost virtually impossible :]

Thus, here is to "decluttering" my mind and striving to keep it that way!

12.30.2011

Time is Crunching in and 5QF

OMG she's growing fast! And I now start the biweekly OB visits! Where did time go?! I thought I had 40 weeks? Oh wait! It's been 29!! That's about all my head is trying to wrap around right now. So here is a link from Mama M. for 5QF:






1. What's the oldest piece of clothing in your closet? ummm...I think it's a tank top? I honestly don't know....

2. How many random blog readers have you met? none. I'm sorta new at this whole blogging on a consistent basis and don't have much of a base :)

3. Do you let your kids stay up till midnight on New Years Eve? (Or, if you don't have kiddos yet, did you get to stay up until midnight as a child?) Well, interesting question as I'm expecting. Haven't thought of what we will do, nor have I discussed with my husband, once she's old enough to understand but I do remember staying up once I hit middle school age. Not really sure before that. If I did it must not have made a lasting impression on me. I'm not big into celebrating New Year's anyway so maybe that's why I don't remember.

4. What are the gas prices where you live? $3.13/gallon and climbing. I was apalled the other day when I watched them jump from $2.98 to $3.13. Then when my hubby told me why they were going up all I could think was "GREAT! We will be eating beans and rice EVERY day IF we can afford gas!!" HA!

5. What is one resolution that you know you should do but are too afraid to try? hmmm...I don't typically make resolutions so I'm truly not sure. I'm constantly looking to better myself but I've never done it in the "I resolve to..." or "This year I'm going to work on..."

12.28.2011

Confidence - Found Only in Christ

So I've been looking into studies for next semester as I will be discipling a girl next semester. When we met just so we could get aquainted, I asked her what she would be looking for as far as what she wants to get from our time together. Her response was along the lines of really wanting to find a study that dives into confidence in sharing your faith.

As I have prayed and pondered over her request I have continually found myself wondering if I would even find such a study. As I was spending time in a Christian bookstore earlier this week, God quietly spoke to my heart, "Confidence is found in Me alone."

And the light is completely screwed in now!

I walked into the store wondering if I would really be able to find a good study and walked out realizing the best way to gain confidence is truly studying the Word and seeking God in everything. Take the time to study apologetics and other resources to help build your knowledge so you may better answer those questions thrown at you, but leave everything to God in the end. Seek His guidance to lead you as you discuss difficult topics with those He crosses your path with. Ask Him to help you step out in faith so you will not allow any opportunity He presents you to slip through your fingers. But realize, first and foremost, there is no study that will build your confidence, that is a product of relying on God and fully seeking after Him.

12.27.2011

My Sweet Hubby

With all the tears surrounding giving Louis away, I received a wonderful e-mail from his new family telling me how much he is fitting in and they love having him. Just moments after reading that, Ben and I were in the kitchen when he blurts, "...and you can't say you're not a good momma cuz you raised Louis and you did a great job with him."

I'm not sure where that came from, but it meant a lot to me. It helps remind me my part in Louis' little animal life was important and even if I don't understand why God would have allowed us to bring him in only to give him away the memories made are all worth it.

12.26.2011

Sacrificial Love HURTS

Queue the tears please. LOTS and LOTS of them.

Now before I go into the meat of this post, let me start with a disclaimer:
       I am in no way saying giving away a dog is the same as a child. I'm certain it greatly pales in comparison. However, it is the closest analogy I have and somewhat fits. So with that being said here you have it.


The door swings WIDE open when we walk in. Louis' pillow is no longer there serving dual function: comfy rest spot for him, great door stop for the door. There is a huge empty space where his kennel was. The pantry is missing his 25 gallon food storage bin. His water and food bowl no longer reside next to the back door. Leaves are not trailed everywhere. I don't step on toys or hear squeaking. I don't hear claws in a bathtub. I don't have a tiny jingle reminding me I have a tiny shadow. In fact, there is no tiny shadow.

He is gone. Gone to a wonderful home with a wonderful family. Gone to 3 kids who absolutely love him and he absolutely loves (they e-mailed me video of his grand entrance Christmas day). Gone to a home where he will be played with until he's so tired he will go sleep on his bed (boy is that a miracle!). 

But boy does my heart hurt like it's been shattered to a million pieces, rolled over by a mac truck, and then had salt poured all over the innumberable amount of open wounds!

This has to be somewhat like giving a child up for adoption. I know in no shape or form does this truly match the severity of emotions a mother must go through when she decides to go through 10 months of pregnancy only to give up the child she cared for while it developed inside her. I'm doing just that right now and think I would literally die from the heart break. But I still feel the most ridiculous amount of pain I have ever felt by giving Louis away. Raising him over the past 7 months, pouring hours of time into training him, loving him, and caring for him formed such a close bond. There were definitely moments I wanted to kill the pup but all in all it was more love than hate, good than bad. Then to have to hand him over to someone else, even when you know it is in his best interest, is heart wrenching. It is so sacrificial it is almost undesirable. I say almost because the part of me that knew it was best brings me back to reality.

I would rather hide in a hole than love another animal or human being this much to give it away again. Right now I could curl up under the sheets and stay there for days in the dark. The pain of this loss is truly indescribable. I want to run so far away I am detached from anything to do with it. Yet, what is life without love? To not have the pain of losing a loved one means no close bonds, no memories with others, no one to share life with.

I now have a glimpse of how much God loves us. The pain of giving His only Son, whom He had been with before time because They are, for us, the lowly wretched sinners of this earth.  THAT is sacrificial love. Not that I didn't have an understanding of this prior to giving Louis away. It's just now I have had to experience it on a minute scale here. I have a tangible experience to help me see the "WOW" in His unfathomable love. If giving Louis away hurts this bad, how much more so did He feel in such a world-shattering sacrificial love?

*SIGH*

Alas, the bawling will commence. How long this must go on I am unsure of but I certainly hope it is not much longer. I'm not sure how much more of the pain I can take. Unfortunately, the only cure is time and only God knows how long it will be before the grief over the loss will have fully been done.