Nervous Nellie. Dear Jesus, HELP!

Okay. So it isn't that bad now, but I sure have had a bout of the worries lately. The beginning of pregnancy is sooo hard! You take a pee stick test and/or a blood test that confirms you are, your stomach wants to jump up and out your throat, the acid in it becomes an enourmous volcano ready to erupt, the simple thought of some foods makes you gag, if you could you would prefer to be asleep 99.9% of the time, you pee so frequently you feel as though every 5 minutes is spent in the bathroom and begin to realize your hands are cracking from the frequency of washing, anytime your boob is touched the tenderness of them stretching is remembered, and you feel like you're shoving crackers down your throat to at least appease to the first three aformentioned symptoms. At least that's how I feel.

BUT...you can't feel the baby growing inside of you. You can't feel the pulse of the little heart that has already begun to pump blood by week 6. (I'm at week 7 as I type this...at least that's my guesstimation with all the info.) And there is no baby bump. Just some extra gas in there to add to my other symptoms to make me feel extra great.

At first I kept thinking: What if the baby is already gone? Or...What if I'm not doing something right? What if its twins? What if they don't find the heartbeat in the first ultrasound? What if, what if, what...

STOP!

Can I control this? NO!

Does worry help this? Absolutely positively NO!

"So why are you worrying, child?" - Jesus

Oh Jesus! Help me to give this precious life to you!

Seriously, my thoughts. I feel like my brain is on this crazy roller coaster. And praying incessantly that Jesus will protect this little life He has blessed Ben and me with however He sees fit is not always easy. But is brings so much peace. Not of this world peace. God's peace.

Am I still nervous? Yes.

It is my first OB appointment and US.

But does it have to rule me? NO!

Ahhh...resting beside those quiet waters of sweet tranquility given only when I give all to Him. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! Where would I be without you, Jesus?

Finished...Maybe I'll Read it Again

WOAH!

That's about what my mind thinks whenever I begin processing the book I just completed: A Love that Multiplies by Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar.

I couldn't get enough of it as I read page after page after page. And now that I'm done, I kind of want to pick it back up again. (I think I need to pray for a thirst and hunger to read the Bible like that. What is it about other books that attract most of us so much more?)

The Duggars have worked so hard to be, what seems, such a close knit family. Even though I don't agree 100% with everything they do because of some differences, I have a lot of respect for the way they strive to live, discpline their children, and the fact they are debt free. (That is serious! Especially in this day and age.)

I find I could use some of their child-rearing techniques with my dog. (Maybe I'm crazy, but I sure do feel like he pushes me to my limits and makes me boil over easier than I would like to admit.) Even today he tested me by ringing the bells (our signal he has to go potty) what seemed to be EVERY 5 MINUTES because he wanted to be outside in the 97 degree weather. No thank you! I will not have it, but he just sat their and smiled at me like, "See mom, this could be really fun if you just pant and enjoy the rays. See?"

And their grocery bill: what is it they purchase and how to they keep it stocked just right so that they don't go overbudget? Not that I go over budget, but there are times I wonder if we're going to make it within the limits. Maybe we need to go on a rice and beans diet :) Something cheap, because meat definitely isn't. Although I must pat myself on the back for the occasional sales I will hit and get a $11 bottom round roast for a little under $6. And produce? Not the cheapest. I always get the cheaper items but that still doesn't seem to cut it back so great at times.

I'm trying to get into couponing. It takes a lot of energy though. Energy I can't seem to find after a 40+ hour work week. I come home so pooped all I can think is, "Food in mouth. Feed dog. Take dog out. Clean mouth. Go to bed." My older sis has shown me a great resource for this, Passion for Savings. If you sign up for the updates she can keep you up on coupons that are coming out, sales, and maximizing all your info to get the best prices on everything. And yet, I still find myself struggling to get there. I do well if I can find a coupon or two that I can use on the items I have to get.

My brain is all over the place...started with talking about a book and ended with couponing. I think I'm going to go relax...

Sit. Relax. Quiet.

Ahhh yes!

What I long for at the end of each crazy day at work. The place you never know who you will be caring for or what remedies they will be seeking. Your "home away from home" that you may not want to truly be at. No matter how I feel though, I am always finding myself so ready to go home.

To be with my way chill husband and exceptionally chill puppy. To sit at the computer and not think about anything else. Or to pick up a book and enter an entire world not my own, but seemingly live there for the time my head is in it.

And of all situations, today is Friday. That is right: the night I can go to bed and not worry about how much sleep I got - I can sleep in if insomnia attacks!

mmmmm

Soaking in the peacefulness of a completely unplanned, quiet Friday evening. I think I'm off to enjoy A Love that Multiplies  by Michelle & Jim Bob Duggar. 

My aren't You Growing!

So I've been a nervous wreck (to put it nicely) with all the emotions compiled into one human upon discovering you're pregnant. Maybe not everyone gets this way, but I have been:

1) overwhelmed completely


2) anxious


3) a worry wart

4) a teensy bit excited


5) more concerned about a healthy pregnancy than "what on earth am I going to do?! I'm going to be a mom?!?!"

Tomorrow marks week 6 and I must say I can certainly tell by how I feel. Not just the emotions but the indigestion, bloating/gas, nausea at times, EXTREME sensitivity to smell or the mere thought of them. And if that isn't enough, my hormone levels have jumped from a mere 1350 last Friday to 11,223 today (which is in normal range for 6 weeks gestastional age). The great news compiled into that last bit though is: typically with levels growing as they are, it also means the little one is progresing as it should. Thank you, Lord!

I may be worried about something I cannot handle and constantly asking God to renew His peace, patience, and a will to depend solely on Him, but if the levels are a God-given indicator that everything is a-ok...well then, why on earth am I worrying? It strangely brought a serene peace this afternoon when my OB's nurse called me to give me my levels and schedule my first ultrasound (US) and appointment. I may be overwhelmed with the surprise of this, but I sure am more concerned about a healthy little baby growing!

Jesus, thank you for calming my fears. Please help keep all others that will arise at bay.

And little one, may I care for you as best I can by caring for myself as best I can. Your Daddy prays for you every morning (and I'm sure much more as I find myself constantly praying for you and that I will be a good Mommy)! You are loved already!

BTW - our first food I have found to do us in and it unfortunately sounds and SMELLS soooo appealing: Pizza. What a bummer, because we sure do seem to want it when I smell it :)

Along came...

So yesterday morning, Ben and I found out our first little one is on the way. Major God-timing. Not planned, not in a million years what we would have dreamed. And yet, we know His timing is perfect.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul speaks about a thorn in his flesh that God would not remove. Although, I do not think of this unborn child as a thorn, more so he or she is a blessing from God granted only by His good and sovereign will, I do see it as a situation where only God will be given glory here. That is how all of life should be and what I strive to live and learn to be: Christ-like. In verse 8 Paul writes:

8"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take [the thorn] away from 

me. 9 But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my 

power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the 

more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may 

rest on me."

That I would daily live this way and that I will continue to take on this unplanned child with a postive attitude, being reminded that God's timing is perfect! I may always have feelings of inadequacy but as long as I am seeking and striving to keep God as my center and focus, His strength and grace and love will be sufficient.

May Christ be my teacher and God be my glory!

---------------------------

To our little one,

We told your Gigi and Poppa about you today. It was good to see their shock mixed with excitement. You are going to be so loved, little one. Precious and perfect just as God creates you! As you are growing and God is forming you, it is my prayer God will continue to mold me into His image, prepare my heart to be your mommy - just the mommy you need to cultivate a heart that yearns to live for the Lord solely and completely; a mommy who does her best to prepare you for however God plans to use you.

Right now, if my calculating is right, you are only about 5 weeks old, but God is doing some pretty hefty creating on you and, let me tell you, its a lot of work! You are so very small (estimated to be about the size of a ball point pen's tip) but so precious! Every day I pray that you will form and grow properly and that I am taking a best care of you as I can by eating properly, getting enough rest, etc. You are a surprise who will be a great blessing to me and your daddy and everyone else you will come in contact with.

Louis can't wait for you either (at least I'm hoping he doesn't get too jealous with your arrival)! I hope you grow up to be best buds.

I love you!

Momma