Sit. Relax. Quiet.

Ahhh yes!

What I long for at the end of each crazy day at work. The place you never know who you will be caring for or what remedies they will be seeking. Your "home away from home" that you may not want to truly be at. No matter how I feel though, I am always finding myself so ready to go home.

To be with my way chill husband and exceptionally chill puppy. To sit at the computer and not think about anything else. Or to pick up a book and enter an entire world not my own, but seemingly live there for the time my head is in it.

And of all situations, today is Friday. That is right: the night I can go to bed and not worry about how much sleep I got - I can sleep in if insomnia attacks!

mmmmm

Soaking in the peacefulness of a completely unplanned, quiet Friday evening. I think I'm off to enjoy A Love that Multiplies  by Michelle & Jim Bob Duggar. 

My aren't You Growing!

So I've been a nervous wreck (to put it nicely) with all the emotions compiled into one human upon discovering you're pregnant. Maybe not everyone gets this way, but I have been:

1) overwhelmed completely


2) anxious


3) a worry wart

4) a teensy bit excited


5) more concerned about a healthy pregnancy than "what on earth am I going to do?! I'm going to be a mom?!?!"

Tomorrow marks week 6 and I must say I can certainly tell by how I feel. Not just the emotions but the indigestion, bloating/gas, nausea at times, EXTREME sensitivity to smell or the mere thought of them. And if that isn't enough, my hormone levels have jumped from a mere 1350 last Friday to 11,223 today (which is in normal range for 6 weeks gestastional age). The great news compiled into that last bit though is: typically with levels growing as they are, it also means the little one is progresing as it should. Thank you, Lord!

I may be worried about something I cannot handle and constantly asking God to renew His peace, patience, and a will to depend solely on Him, but if the levels are a God-given indicator that everything is a-ok...well then, why on earth am I worrying? It strangely brought a serene peace this afternoon when my OB's nurse called me to give me my levels and schedule my first ultrasound (US) and appointment. I may be overwhelmed with the surprise of this, but I sure am more concerned about a healthy little baby growing!

Jesus, thank you for calming my fears. Please help keep all others that will arise at bay.

And little one, may I care for you as best I can by caring for myself as best I can. Your Daddy prays for you every morning (and I'm sure much more as I find myself constantly praying for you and that I will be a good Mommy)! You are loved already!

BTW - our first food I have found to do us in and it unfortunately sounds and SMELLS soooo appealing: Pizza. What a bummer, because we sure do seem to want it when I smell it :)

Along came...

So yesterday morning, Ben and I found out our first little one is on the way. Major God-timing. Not planned, not in a million years what we would have dreamed. And yet, we know His timing is perfect.

Jeremiah 29:11 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul speaks about a thorn in his flesh that God would not remove. Although, I do not think of this unborn child as a thorn, more so he or she is a blessing from God granted only by His good and sovereign will, I do see it as a situation where only God will be given glory here. That is how all of life should be and what I strive to live and learn to be: Christ-like. In verse 8 Paul writes:

8"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take [the thorn] away from 

me. 9 But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my 

power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the 

more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may 

rest on me."

That I would daily live this way and that I will continue to take on this unplanned child with a postive attitude, being reminded that God's timing is perfect! I may always have feelings of inadequacy but as long as I am seeking and striving to keep God as my center and focus, His strength and grace and love will be sufficient.

May Christ be my teacher and God be my glory!

---------------------------

To our little one,

We told your Gigi and Poppa about you today. It was good to see their shock mixed with excitement. You are going to be so loved, little one. Precious and perfect just as God creates you! As you are growing and God is forming you, it is my prayer God will continue to mold me into His image, prepare my heart to be your mommy - just the mommy you need to cultivate a heart that yearns to live for the Lord solely and completely; a mommy who does her best to prepare you for however God plans to use you.

Right now, if my calculating is right, you are only about 5 weeks old, but God is doing some pretty hefty creating on you and, let me tell you, its a lot of work! You are so very small (estimated to be about the size of a ball point pen's tip) but so precious! Every day I pray that you will form and grow properly and that I am taking a best care of you as I can by eating properly, getting enough rest, etc. You are a surprise who will be a great blessing to me and your daddy and everyone else you will come in contact with.

Louis can't wait for you either (at least I'm hoping he doesn't get too jealous with your arrival)! I hope you grow up to be best buds.

I love you!

Momma

Worn Out

I don't think there really are words for how tired I am right now. My week began and I thought it was almost the end. Then came Wednesday and I thought it was Friday, followed by Thursday and I thought it was Wednesday. That may help someone understand how long this week has been for me. My brain has been all over the place even though my job demands I write the date and know the day of the week constantly.

Then to come home to my wound up baby who has so much energy it can be 100% annoying at times. I've already told Ben there is no way I will work once we have human children. It is just physically impossible. Props to the moms who have to do it! I already know I won't be able to, unless I can completely control my schedule: aka teaching piano. I would rather be poor, than stress myself out to have "more money". Plus, to "have more money" means that the extra goes to day care or a sitter because I will not put that job on my mom. Plus, if it's this obvious in a dog what time away from mom and dad looks like, I don't even want to know how it would affect Ben and my kids.

It definitely affects my drive to come home and clean, cook, maintain, plan, grocery shop, etc. You name the household chore, it's almost always a guarantee I have no desire to complete it. I honestly would be just fine if I could live off of minimal food, no hygeine, go to work and come home to sleep. That is how worn I am. I don't think it really has to do with poor time management.

Organization and good management of what I've been given isn't the problem. I'm not staying up all hours of the night to achieve normal, every day tasks. I am definitely not having nightmares about a lack of time. Yet, I do constantly walk around wondering if I truly slept the night before or if my body just fooled me by wiping away the hours I was "sleeping" from my memory. To sleep well and know it the next day is a "once upon a dream" for me right now. I hope it decides to come back soon...

On my Heart

1 Peter 2:24-25

24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree (1), so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness(2); by his wounds you have been healed(1).

25 For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls(3).

I don't have much to say about this right at this moment. It is a verse I am memorizing and meditating. To spend time contemplating and thanking the LORD for what He has done for me and for you and the rest of the world; well, no words are truly able to describe it. I highlighted the parts that stand out to me; I think of it in chunks (I put the numbers next to how this is speaking to my heart at this time:

1) Christ HIMSELF took on the payment for my erred ways. WOAH!

2) This is all so that I might begin a new life, unbound by the old. He loves me that much?! He wanted to take on my debt so I might have a relationship with Him in righteousness. It still baffles me that someone would turn this away. I am also baffled with myself in how even if we have accepted His unending grace, we still stray at times thinking we don't need him. The foolishness of the world, our human ways seem so much more appealing even though we know it's not.

3) What we were, sheep going astray, we no longer are once washed by the blood of Christ. His love for us is so deep, unconditional, and unending, He could not bear to see us lost to our own depravity, thus He gave us the option to choose life with Him.

Wanted to share this. Feel free to share in comments or give feed back.