Time is Crunching in and 5QF

OMG she's growing fast! And I now start the biweekly OB visits! Where did time go?! I thought I had 40 weeks? Oh wait! It's been 29!! That's about all my head is trying to wrap around right now. So here is a link from Mama M. for 5QF:

1. What's the oldest piece of clothing in your closet? ummm...I think it's a tank top? I honestly don't know....

2. How many random blog readers have you met? none. I'm sorta new at this whole blogging on a consistent basis and don't have much of a base :)

3. Do you let your kids stay up till midnight on New Years Eve? (Or, if you don't have kiddos yet, did you get to stay up until midnight as a child?) Well, interesting question as I'm expecting. Haven't thought of what we will do, nor have I discussed with my husband, once she's old enough to understand but I do remember staying up once I hit middle school age. Not really sure before that. If I did it must not have made a lasting impression on me. I'm not big into celebrating New Year's anyway so maybe that's why I don't remember.

4. What are the gas prices where you live? $3.13/gallon and climbing. I was apalled the other day when I watched them jump from $2.98 to $3.13. Then when my hubby told me why they were going up all I could think was "GREAT! We will be eating beans and rice EVERY day IF we can afford gas!!" HA!

5. What is one resolution that you know you should do but are too afraid to try? hmmm...I don't typically make resolutions so I'm truly not sure. I'm constantly looking to better myself but I've never done it in the "I resolve to..." or "This year I'm going to work on..."

Confidence - Found Only in Christ

So I've been looking into studies for next semester as I will be discipling a girl next semester. When we met just so we could get aquainted, I asked her what she would be looking for as far as what she wants to get from our time together. Her response was along the lines of really wanting to find a study that dives into confidence in sharing your faith.

As I have prayed and pondered over her request I have continually found myself wondering if I would even find such a study. As I was spending time in a Christian bookstore earlier this week, God quietly spoke to my heart, "Confidence is found in Me alone."

And the light is completely screwed in now!

I walked into the store wondering if I would really be able to find a good study and walked out realizing the best way to gain confidence is truly studying the Word and seeking God in everything. Take the time to study apologetics and other resources to help build your knowledge so you may better answer those questions thrown at you, but leave everything to God in the end. Seek His guidance to lead you as you discuss difficult topics with those He crosses your path with. Ask Him to help you step out in faith so you will not allow any opportunity He presents you to slip through your fingers. But realize, first and foremost, there is no study that will build your confidence, that is a product of relying on God and fully seeking after Him.

My Sweet Hubby

With all the tears surrounding giving Louis away, I received a wonderful e-mail from his new family telling me how much he is fitting in and they love having him. Just moments after reading that, Ben and I were in the kitchen when he blurts, "...and you can't say you're not a good momma cuz you raised Louis and you did a great job with him."

I'm not sure where that came from, but it meant a lot to me. It helps remind me my part in Louis' little animal life was important and even if I don't understand why God would have allowed us to bring him in only to give him away the memories made are all worth it.

Sacrificial Love HURTS

Queue the tears please. LOTS and LOTS of them.

Now before I go into the meat of this post, let me start with a disclaimer:
       I am in no way saying giving away a dog is the same as a child. I'm certain it greatly pales in comparison. However, it is the closest analogy I have and somewhat fits. So with that being said here you have it.

The door swings WIDE open when we walk in. Louis' pillow is no longer there serving dual function: comfy rest spot for him, great door stop for the door. There is a huge empty space where his kennel was. The pantry is missing his 25 gallon food storage bin. His water and food bowl no longer reside next to the back door. Leaves are not trailed everywhere. I don't step on toys or hear squeaking. I don't hear claws in a bathtub. I don't have a tiny jingle reminding me I have a tiny shadow. In fact, there is no tiny shadow.

He is gone. Gone to a wonderful home with a wonderful family. Gone to 3 kids who absolutely love him and he absolutely loves (they e-mailed me video of his grand entrance Christmas day). Gone to a home where he will be played with until he's so tired he will go sleep on his bed (boy is that a miracle!). 

But boy does my heart hurt like it's been shattered to a million pieces, rolled over by a mac truck, and then had salt poured all over the innumberable amount of open wounds!

This has to be somewhat like giving a child up for adoption. I know in no shape or form does this truly match the severity of emotions a mother must go through when she decides to go through 10 months of pregnancy only to give up the child she cared for while it developed inside her. I'm doing just that right now and think I would literally die from the heart break. But I still feel the most ridiculous amount of pain I have ever felt by giving Louis away. Raising him over the past 7 months, pouring hours of time into training him, loving him, and caring for him formed such a close bond. There were definitely moments I wanted to kill the pup but all in all it was more love than hate, good than bad. Then to have to hand him over to someone else, even when you know it is in his best interest, is heart wrenching. It is so sacrificial it is almost undesirable. I say almost because the part of me that knew it was best brings me back to reality.

I would rather hide in a hole than love another animal or human being this much to give it away again. Right now I could curl up under the sheets and stay there for days in the dark. The pain of this loss is truly indescribable. I want to run so far away I am detached from anything to do with it. Yet, what is life without love? To not have the pain of losing a loved one means no close bonds, no memories with others, no one to share life with.

I now have a glimpse of how much God loves us. The pain of giving His only Son, whom He had been with before time because They are, for us, the lowly wretched sinners of this earth.  THAT is sacrificial love. Not that I didn't have an understanding of this prior to giving Louis away. It's just now I have had to experience it on a minute scale here. I have a tangible experience to help me see the "WOW" in His unfathomable love. If giving Louis away hurts this bad, how much more so did He feel in such a world-shattering sacrificial love?

*SIGH*

Alas, the bawling will commence. How long this must go on I am unsure of but I certainly hope it is not much longer. I'm not sure how much more of the pain I can take. Unfortunately, the only cure is time and only God knows how long it will be before the grief over the loss will have fully been done.

The Bittersweet Goodbye

I don't know if I can type this without crying.

Today, Louis will go to his new home. A home that will provide love and care for him. A home where he will be able to run his little heart out with three kids who will love on him and wear him out. A home where he will get to go outside in a backyard. A home that will provide exactly what he needs.

It hurts to realize I'm not able to give him all the attention he needs. To know Ben and I are unable to exercise him the way he needs. It's frustrating finding us in a place where we can't have him. I wanted so terribly for him to be Zoë's little buddy.

Ah...Love is painful. VERY painful. And yet without it, this world would be full of self-absorbed hermits who have no memories made because their is no one to make them with.

I will miss my little Louis! I will always treasure the memories of him in my heart. I wouldn't have traded these past 7 months with him for the world.

If My Stomach was Clear...

Zoë would be mooning you! At least I'm almost positive her little tooshy is sticking up into the top portion of my abdomen. Every time I feel her move and I place my hand on the basketball I feel this bony protrusion, which is most definitely not round (so I doubt it's her head) and seems a little to big for a leg or arm. If it's not then oh well, but it sure is funny to think she has her butt high up in the air :)

Fun fact for you Zoë: You have now started kicking or punching in response to me pushing you around at times. Oh and also - you have learned my technique to get you off your comfy pillow (aka my bladder) and now respond by snuggling yourself down into it even more. I'm waiting for the day you make me pee as you do it :)

Love you Little Bean!!

Auto-pilot

Yes, my friends. That is exactly how life is functioning right now and I'm not quite sure when it will cease to be guiding itself. At least, that's how I feel. Ben would probably even agree with me considering he typically has at least 3-16 hour work days a week with 2 more regular 8 hour days shoved in there.

My Typical Day

1) Wake up at 0530 (doesn't that just sound grand?!)

2) Eat breakfast so you don't pass out from a sugar low

3) Get ready for work

4) Drive to work

5) Work a minimum of 8 hours but typically 9+ hours a day

6) Drive home in the wonderful traffic

7) Eat dinner, which may need to be cooked

8) Possbily lounge for a little bit

9) Go to bed but continually wake up to go to the bathroom :)

10) Repeat the cycle

Exhaustion is at such an all-time high right now I'm not even sure I could function if I wasn't on "auto-pilot". It has become very monotonous but right now that seems to be all I'm capable of. We're both so exhausted most of our free time is spent at home lounging or watching a movie. Sometimes it does include reading, so it isn't all completely mindless activity but it is frequently not an IQ boosting time.

I'm beginning to except it as the season of life we are in right now. And I'm ok with that because we're both exhausted due to great jobs God has granted each of us so all of our needs and more are met. I'm also exhausted because of the duties home life continues to require of me on top of a job (which Ben I'm sure would say is true for him as well). I truly do not see how a mom finds the time to do everything she must to keep the home running while working a full time job and meet the needs of her kids. Props to those who have made it work! It makes me extremely grateful and reminds me of how blessed I am to have a husband who tells me "It's worth it" regarding all his long working hours so I will be able to stay home to keep our home running and take care of our child.

I hope one day, when I'm looking back on this season in my life, I will truly grasp the importance God has on this season in my life. I want to be able to have grown from it and been drawn closer to Him.

(Sorry if this post seemed very scatter-brained. It's frequently how it functions right now!)

The Basketball Under My Shirt

My title is a great summation of how I look and feel right now. Well...add all the effects of that basketball actually being stuck inside you stretching you to the nth degree. Either way, I look like the kid who thought it is hilarious to shove a basketball under their shirt. It's nice that you can tell I'm pregnant and I don't just look like I'm packing on the pounds.

The fun part of where I am right now is how much I can see and feel Zoë move :) It looks like an alien is preparing to bust out of me. That may sound harsh but it really looks other-wordly watching it from the outisde.

My Sweet Little Zoë -

Dear one you are growing so big so quickly! My body shows more every day that God has His hand on your life. Daddy prays every day you will continue to grow healthy and strong. So far - God has blessed us by continuing to allow you to do so. It is amazing to know very soon you will be with us and we won't just "watch" you from our side of your world.

You have quickly started showing your acrobatic side :) I feel you move every day and we enjoy watching you make my stomach jump. It really looks like you want to punch out of me at times! The bigger you get the more we can see and, as weird as it seems at times, I love being able to see you move. Such a precious, sweet reminder of your little life. You still adore the comfiness of my bladder. I'm really not much of a fan of it anymore as you make me frequent the bathroom due to how big you're getting. Unfortunately, you're not a fan of me trying to get you off my bladder either. You respond many a time by mozying down even more onto your "pillow". Persistent little booger :)

I also cherish how much you seem to enjoy music. You're picky too! You move to a lot of different tunes but if you don't like it you will immediately stop moving. I'm not sure if you just inherited an affinity for loving music or if you will have an uncanny musical ability passed down from my side of the family. Either way I love how much you respond to music. So special!

Sweet Pea, I love you so unbelievably MUCH! Sometimes I can't believe how much I love you. I pray for you every day. Daddy and I have chosen Psalm 119:105 to pray over you: "Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path." We pray we will help to guide you to know and live in His ways. Our desire is to see you grow so that you depend on Him in everything trusting His word to light your path throughout your entire life. He is the reason we exist and we want you to know Him personally. I say all this because I know my love for you, which seems so great in human terms, pales in comparison to His love for you!

May God's hand continue to be on you in these last weeks as you develop and prepare to become a part of our world. May He keep both myself and you healthy and strong, just as Daddy prays, for the final 13 weeks.

I love you Bean!
Mommy

It's Coming Fast...

And part of me can't WAIT! That's right - I love my Louis but part of me is so ready for him to go to his new home. Between being completely exhausted when I arrive home at night and hating splittling my small amount of time with my husband with the dog (as the dog will not get out of our faces), it is safe to say I have come to the happy place of giving him away.

Do not be fooled! I have cried many a tear over finding a new home for Louis. Not to mention, the goodbye will likely be said with tears flowing down both cheeks. However, I know it is best for the dog and best for the sanity of myself and Ben and our relationship.

And thus, the happiness of knowing the right choice has been made, a new wonderful family awaits him, and Ben and I will have a few months of just us to focus on before Zoe arrives is extremely overwhelming right now. Thankfully so, as life has thrown one too many a curve ball here lately. Thank God for His unsurmountable joy given to us in those times of severe loss of human happiness. But it truly is nice to have something to be happy about. It is faint in my heavy heart, to which I will not expound, but ever still a shining light in the darkness.

Louis will be going to his new home on Christmas Eve. I cannot wait to see the video of the three kids who will be getting him for a Christmas surprise! We already know Louis loves their house as we took him over there to see what he thought. No problem there - ran around like he knew the place and even figured out in an hours time where the door to "outside" was. HA!

Ah Louis, I will miss you but I am ever so thankful you are going to a new home. A home to bestow your sweet, rambunctious personality on and be tuckered out by three kids vying for your attention.