Long Week

Umm...I think the title is an understatement.

3 1/2 days of almost nonstop screaming. With Zoë not napping properly either (well, that kind of goes with the idea that there was nonstop screaming...I mean she wasn't screaming in her sleep. HA!).

Colic + Growth Spurt = "What was that again? Where am I? Did I eat? I think I fed Zoë...GOD PLEASE HELP ME!"

God was gracious in that she continued her normal routine of nightly sleeping (for the most part). At least, I was in bed by 11:30 most nights and she slept 'til her MOTN feed, which is typically somewhere between 2:30 and 4:30, and then went back down 'til her 7:00 am feed. He could not have been more gracious to my exhausted mind, spirit, and body!

It is weeks like this I am ever grateful God asking us to follow Him completely isn't measured, AT ALL. There is no time card to punch in and out on for time in the word. There is no report card or a poster where a certain color sticker ranks how you've done. He wants all of you, yes. Every moment focused on Him; absolutely. But there is no measurement for what that looks like. Time with Him can be crying out to him (in my case silently many times since silence is bliss around here) to sustain me when I feel like I could check myself in and toss Zoë out a window before I leave to do so.

I'm just being honest here, folks.

I love Zoë more than words will ever be able to express, but with that love comes the extremes of both sides of emotions. The pretty, happy snap shots where I couldn't be more excited because she smiled at me (melt my weary, tired momma heart!) and the ugly, flesh-filled anger and selfishness because I can't handle her hours of screaming or don't care to be completely responsible for another human being, really anything else.

Gah, there is so much God desires to teach anyone waiting to listen through parenting. I'm seeing it on a daily basis. In myself. Boy are there areas being chipped away at little by little just through Zoë's life beginnig.

Stolen My Sanity - Quite Possibly a Blessing in Disguise

Little Zo-Zo,

Mommy shouldn't complain, really. You are 100% healthy and growing quite beautifully. But despite that, you have stolen my sanity, sweet pea. Completely. It doesn't happen to leave me at a certain point. It is just gone. Your colic steals your sweet demeanor and drives me further into survival instinct. Which thankfully functions quite well for both of us. And thus my sanity has left me.

However, I have found myself laughing at situations that have arose due to my sanity being gone. You see, yesterday we went to run errands at Target. When I was paying at checkout, I used your daddy's and my tax refund card. The little computer told me it needed my pin. I proceeded to enter our zipcode, oh probably 5 different times, wondering why on earth the computer wouldn't take it. I just knew it was the right zipcode. Dear one, it didn't want our zipcode. It wanted the PIN number. First time I ever had a card rejected :)

I apparently also carry conversations in my sleep even more now. Daddy says he's had a couple of them with me. I even ask questions and everything. He thought I was awake only to realize the next morning as I asked the same questions I wasn't aware of our conversation only a few hours earlier.

Sweet pea, I'm unsure of how long this will last. I'm not sure you will be like the "normal" colicky babies where we will watch it disappear around your 3 month birthday. I'm hoping you're not like your Auntie Laura who was colicky her first year of life. You seem to be following in her footsteps though because many a time I find your colicky bouts begin when you are frustrated because you know what you want but are unable to achieve it or communicate it. You even start colicky bouts, at times, just because you want someone to listen to you. I have thankfully learned to humor your little fuss - and oh is it a specific fuss when that happens. You even stop in the middle of it, make eye contact with me as if to ask "Did you hear me? I want to make sure before I continue. You did? Ok" and continue to fuss.

Oh and you are so very aware of your surroundings. You came out of the womb aware. I was sure you would arrive like most babies with your eyes practically sealed shut due to all the light but not you. They were open and looking everywhere. You still take in the sights. And by the way, your favorite color at this time is red. You talk to your red and white wipes box. You talk to mommy's red PJ t-shirt. You talk to the cardinal squeaker on your play gym. You do also talk to the duck squeaker and boy did you get mad yesterday when it wouldn't talk back!

I will say your colic allows me ample of extra cuddle time, which I love. You will not settle unless in my arms and then you remain wide awake. Should I try to place you back in your crib we go straight back to square one. So I hold you. And love on you. And tell you I love you. And you snuggle right up under my chin. Thankfully, you're a cuddler so even once you get older, I am sure you will come up to me just wanting to be held. I knew you were a cuddler before you were born. You snuggled with me from the inside :)

May God continue to grant me grace and strength as we walk through this rough patch together, Zoë. Despite how hard it is and how angry it makes me at times, I know I will look back on this time with you and remember the little blessings that could only occur because you had colic.

Loving you more every day,
Mommy

Time Flies

I frequently find myself crying as I watch Zoë rapidly grow. It's one thing to have everyone else tell you your baby has grown; it's completely another to realize it yourself and then think back on just how short a time has passed for that to happen.

I drive down Airline and cry (Airline is a major road in BR and the main way to get to the hospital).

I think about taking her home and cry.

I think about the difficulties we've surrmounted or are in the middle of and cry.

Ummm...I cry...at everything. I can partially blame it on the hormones, I mean they're still righting themselves right? Not to mention the lack of sleep we've had lately, though I must say it's more than some babies would allow.

She's only 5 weeks old but it feels like it was yesterday I was bringing her home from the hospital. It still feels like she should fit in newborn diapers and clothes (it is consolation to my mind that 0-3 month clothes are generally quite big and baggy on her and size 1 diapers are still a bit big). It still feels like she should be small enough to swaddle in the normal 30x30 receiving blanket.

Just thinking about all the little pieces of memory that make her life make me teary eyed knowing I will blink and she'll be starting school. Another breath and she'll be graduating from high school, then, hopefully, college.

Geez I love that little girl! I want to hold her in my arms and never let her go. To smell her sweet baby smell and enjoy every moment of her cuddling with me (and she cuddles without any help - melts-in-your-arms kind of cuddle).

And yet I do want her to grow. I want to see her blossom into the person God designed her to be. To nurture her as best as I am able. To hear her sweet voice tell me she loves me back.

Here's to my tears reminding me life is but a vapor. Enjoy every moment I have while I am able.

A Little Overdue

So my life just doesn't seem to have much time for blogging these days (except in times like this when the hubs is taking his turn - I seriously have an amazing husband!). With a colicky baby, there isn't much time for anything except for finding ways to console her, which thankfully can include getting in the car and running errands (a baby who falls asleep in her infant seat is a blessing!). I did happen to get a few pics of her on Tuesday which happened to be her 1 month birthday!

Geez how time flies!

So since posting the pics about the only time I have, here ya go:

 This is Zoë when she was 11 days old

 My Little Sweetie :)

 Here she is 1 month old! I still can't believe she's been here that long...and how much she's grown.

Contemplating the possibility of crying for the camera

 I love her features :) (and yes I am a little biased but what's a momma to do?)

 Baby yawn

Had to get her full body - she is so long. I wish I could catch her with her legs stretched out, but I do love that I was able to capture her thigh rolls :)

Here are some stats for you Zoë:

• You weighed 9 lbs 4.5 oz on your 1 month birthday! That's about 1 1/2 lbs in 2 weeks :)
• You have successfully rolled from your tummy to back once this week. Ever since you have continually tried and cried in frustration as you get half-way there only to roll back to your tummy.
• I am more convinced than ever many of your colicky bouts have a lot to do with you really feel you need to be heard. Many a time the way you cry makes me sure of this: you will fuss for several minutes, followed by a few whimpers with lip pursing only to open your eyes and make sure I am listening. Then you continue. I might lose my sanity but I have found humor in your need and how you voice it.
• You LOVE to cuddle. LOVE! You will nestle your head under my chin or into the nape of my neck (or anyone who is holding you for that matter). So sweet!
• You are a talker. Though you're still learning, so it isn't constant, you occasionally voice your opinion or babble. Cute as can be!

Sweet baby girl, you have stolen my heart (and momentarily my sanity)! Though I would not have planned for you right now, I don't know what I would do without you now that you're here. And though I will be grateful once our days of battling colic have passed, I wouldn't trade my time with you for the world.

I love you!

Mommy

Zoe's First Bath and 5QF

So yesterday just happened to possibly be a day sent straight from hell. My baby cried almost constantly from 10:30 am 'til about 5 pm. Inconsolably for the most part. Except for the rare instance she would quiet in my arms. And then just laid there. Not sleeping. Cuddling. It was sweet but tiresome. I literally ate lunch with her in my arms.

However (and slap me now for not taking pictures :/), what was sweet and somehow made the day worth it: she had her very first full bath and LOVED it! I mean sat there and enjoyed the entire time. No crying until we pulled her from the water. HA! I was a bit shocked as the day we had yesterday wasn't so grand but apparently bath time will be a pleasant experience in this household. I am elated considering we're going to use that to help her learn "going night night". Establishing routine. :)

Anywho, on to 5QF:

1. Would you prefer having people over for dinner or going to their house?Hmmmm...that's a hard one to answer. If my engine is full and I have it in my tank to give, I probably prefer having people over. I enjoy cooking and baking and having people over is always a good excuse to make some yummy treat :) I don't know if it's a gifting I have but I truly enjoy hosting and allowing people to enjoy themselves in my home.

2. Favorite Bible verse and why?I think we have another hard one here. This really changes a lot depending on what God is doing and using in my life at that time. Currently, He has put two scriptures on my heart which I am constantly reminded of and He is using to remind me He is in control and will see me through all the many emotions of being a new parent. So...instead of choosing one I'm going to cheat and put both :)

Matthew 6:34 "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." This verse helps to calm my nerves as I live through all the questions I am faced with making decisions for Zoë. There are many times I sit and wonder what tomorrow will be like or if what I'm doing today will affect tomorrow in a positive or negative way when God will remind me I don't need to worry about that. He knows my needs - physically, mentally, emotionally - and will ensure I have exactly what I need for that moment when it occurs. THANK YOU GOD!

Ummm apparently I lied, because I just remembered a third verse, but I will only put two :) The third verse has seemed to be a constant in my life, but considering it is one most people are very familiar with (Jeremiah 29:11) and God is using the other two more right now, I will put those.

Psalm 62:8 (but you should read verses 6 & 7 too if you get a chance) "Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us." A few months ago God brought this verse to my attention through a mom in our church I really look up to. I was still struggling, though more in the excited phase, with God feeling Ben and I were ready to bring a child into this world AND my family had just begun a heart wrenching journey which was and is still filled with a lot of pain, sadness, anger...a wide conglomerate of emotions of which none were/are pleasant. Because of both situations, my faith was wavering wondering how could God allow the family situation and angry He was allowing me to soon be a parent. Though there are many scriptures that speak of God's goodness, unfailing love, and his steadfastness, this verse brought about the reminder of how even when what I would have planned or what I think I am incapable of or I am failed or hurt by someone here, God remains the same and I am able to trust in Him no matter what. He will uphold me and He will be there for me.

3. What was the first concert you ever attended, and the most recent one?
I think the first ever concert I went to was Avalon, a 90's Christian Pop? (I guess...the original band isn't even together any more) Band. Most recent would have to be an AWESOME performance by NeedtoBreathe with Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers and some other guy I wasn't too impressed with (can you tell? I can't remember him). Unfortunately, that was back in 2010 :/

4. The year is 2025. What are you doing, and what have you done?
Oh wow! Can I NOT think about that? I'm tearing up as I'm typing this (I'm still hormonal from postpartal stuff). Zoë will be 13 and more than likely we'll have added to, and possibly have completed, our nest. We're hoping another 2 if not 3, but then again God knows that and obviously we will have what He wants us to :) (I'm hoping this lesson of God's timing on children is what happens always sticks with me). I would also hope to have a private piano studio.
Have done...ummm...well raised at least Zoë up to that phase in her life. Been married to my wonderful hubby for 15 years. Bought a house. Started a private piano studio. And yes, this is nonimportant, but would love to have seen Coldplay live in concert.

5. What's your favorite Easter treat?
This is kind of twofold for me. As far as candy, it's a toss up between a chocolate bunny - you know the hollow ones - and robin eggs. I know robin eggs are nothing more than whoppers but they're good! However, what I probably remember most and loved most about my easter baskets as a child was my mom always made sure to somehow keep them focused on the meaning of Easter - Christ's resurrection - and would put a book or cd, something that held symbolic meaning she could tie with Easter. That was probably my favorite easter treat. So a little open ended but it changed every year so... :)

Living Only in Today

"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Matthew 6: 34

Boy do I need to constantly be meditating on that scripture. I find myself anxious about each pending day. Whether or not I will have an "everlasting" cry spell with Zoë (it seems everlasting but truly isn't) like I did today. Wondering how she will feed. Dreading the possibility of terrible napping during the day, only to affect her night time rest. Worrying about that which I cannot control. And losing the hours I have been given only to miss the blessings I do have and the opportunity to rely on God fully throughout the days entirety, no matter what.

I think I could post this in bold on every wall in my house for the rest of my life. 

Yeah. That sounds about right.

Holding Me Up

"Find You on my Knees" - Kari Jobe

Troubles chasing me again,
Breaking down my best defense, I'm looking, God, I'm looking for you Weary just won't let me rest and fear is filling up my head. I'm longing, God I'm longing for you

[Refrain] But I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end, Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness. You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty, When I am weak, when I am lost and searching I'll find you on my knees.
So what if sorrow shakes my faith, What if heartache still remains, I'll trust you, my God I'll trust you. 'Cause You are faithful and
[Refrain]
When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong When the pain is real, when it's hard to heal When my faith is shaken and my heart is broken and my joy is stolen, God I know that
You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
[Refrain]

You can watch the music video here.

I find myself praying these words. Praying that despite amidst all the emotions I feel with being a new mom that God will be by anchor. That though my heart is feeling the loss that comes with this amazing newness He will be in the midst of it all guiding my every step so that His glory will shine through. That while I'm on my knees in the midst of all the changes life is bringing currently I will find Him there.

Being a mom is hard in these new days. I have a wonderful daughter who is honestly a very content baby. Easy compared to some. And yet I find myself overwhelmed with sadness from the changes this has meant for my relationship with Ben. I even find myself selfishly angry as I grieve over my loss of freedom. Some grief over the loss is normal but I am definitely battling flesh. I also find myself feeling very alone. The days are monotonous and very isolating. Even being around people does not change this loneliness.

Oh what a wonderous place God has me in! That I continue to seek and find Him in this place is my longing, my hope. This is where He wants me. May I find Him here.