Stolen My Sanity - Quite Possibly a Blessing in Disguise

Little Zo-Zo,

Mommy shouldn't complain, really. You are 100% healthy and growing quite beautifully. But despite that, you have stolen my sanity, sweet pea. Completely. It doesn't happen to leave me at a certain point. It is just gone. Your colic steals your sweet demeanor and drives me further into survival instinct. Which thankfully functions quite well for both of us. And thus my sanity has left me.

However, I have found myself laughing at situations that have arose due to my sanity being gone. You see, yesterday we went to run errands at Target. When I was paying at checkout, I used your daddy's and my tax refund card. The little computer told me it needed my pin. I proceeded to enter our zipcode, oh probably 5 different times, wondering why on earth the computer wouldn't take it. I just knew it was the right zipcode. Dear one, it didn't want our zipcode. It wanted the PIN number. First time I ever had a card rejected :)

I apparently also carry conversations in my sleep even more now. Daddy says he's had a couple of them with me. I even ask questions and everything. He thought I was awake only to realize the next morning as I asked the same questions I wasn't aware of our conversation only a few hours earlier.

Sweet pea, I'm unsure of how long this will last. I'm not sure you will be like the "normal" colicky babies where we will watch it disappear around your 3 month birthday. I'm hoping you're not like your Auntie Laura who was colicky her first year of life. You seem to be following in her footsteps though because many a time I find your colicky bouts begin when you are frustrated because you know what you want but are unable to achieve it or communicate it. You even start colicky bouts, at times, just because you want someone to listen to you. I have thankfully learned to humor your little fuss - and oh is it a specific fuss when that happens. You even stop in the middle of it, make eye contact with me as if to ask "Did you hear me? I want to make sure before I continue. You did? Ok" and continue to fuss.

Oh and you are so very aware of your surroundings. You came out of the womb aware. I was sure you would arrive like most babies with your eyes practically sealed shut due to all the light but not you. They were open and looking everywhere. You still take in the sights. And by the way, your favorite color at this time is red. You talk to your red and white wipes box. You talk to mommy's red PJ t-shirt. You talk to the cardinal squeaker on your play gym. You do also talk to the duck squeaker and boy did you get mad yesterday when it wouldn't talk back!

I will say your colic allows me ample of extra cuddle time, which I love. You will not settle unless in my arms and then you remain wide awake. Should I try to place you back in your crib we go straight back to square one. So I hold you. And love on you. And tell you I love you. And you snuggle right up under my chin. Thankfully, you're a cuddler so even once you get older, I am sure you will come up to me just wanting to be held. I knew you were a cuddler before you were born. You snuggled with me from the inside :)

May God continue to grant me grace and strength as we walk through this rough patch together, Zoë. Despite how hard it is and how angry it makes me at times, I know I will look back on this time with you and remember the little blessings that could only occur because you had colic.

Loving you more every day,

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