Spinning in My Head

So I somewhat feel like I've fallen off the blogosphere. I know it hasn't been that long since I last posted; I've had longer between posts before. And strangely enough, I miss it, but I don't.

I love using it as a way to help keep family and friends update on what's going on in our world. And yet, I don't quite feel like there is much worth telling. Or I don't feel like sharing because I'm not so sure anyone would really care (I mean, only the true mom of a child becomes obsessively happy when a new milestone is reached. Read: I'm loving getting Zoë to say the "ph" sound of "f" because she's been trying to say the word fan.) or I somewhat just want to treasure the milestones in my heart or only share them with Ben.

As I'm typing this, I'm realizing what a strange place I'm in these days. Life throws curve balls and God sets desires in the Ben's and my heart. He guides us to the church we're to call home here and ideas begin to roll.

And admist all that is going on around me and the spinning, in oh so good a way, my mind seems to be doing, there are two thoughts that God keeps bringing to the forefront:

1) The verse I am memorizing now is really opening my eyes to how little I actually trust God. I say I trust Him and that I desire to, but if I was completely honest with Him and myself, then really I would be constantly telling Him something along these lines: "Hey, God. I'm trusting you with this part of my life, but this part over here...well, I'm just gonna keep on keeping on with my little self. I'm pretty sure I got it. I mean, I know you want all of me. I'm just thinking if I try on my own I might get a little further or in the direction I want."

And the end result: fear. Almost always irratational. And half the time every time, my plans don't even turn out how I wanted them to. And when you think about it, none of us knows what's going to happen in the next few minutes anyway. Even scripture tells us that much in Proverbs 19:21 (NIV): "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

So anyway, let me remind you of the verse I've been chewing on for the past week and a half:

1 John 4:18 (NASB)
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love."

I'm not quite sure how to put into words the many ways God is using this verse to speak to my heart, but I thought I would share it. (Side note: I love how scripture never gets old. It may has been known to make me extremely angry or sad at times and want to throw the Bible across the room, but the truth has that affect at times. And even despite the strong emotions reading it brings, it still never gets old.)

2) So last week was Missions Week at our church. I have to say I love that our church, which is a bible church (aka nondenominational), puts such an emphasis on spreading God's word. Here in Houston. In other parts of the US. Overseas in Europe. In Canada. In remote places that aren't typically heard of, at least for me.

They brought in a speaker to give the sermon Sunday morning, Dr. George Murray, Chancellor of CIU. He also spoke at the banquet they had that evening.

Let me just say, that man is gifted as a speaker! And I do believe God definitely gave him his words to speak for both the sermon and banquet. But what's been on my mind is the very beginning of his speech for that evening. He put up two phrases on the screen which both are about the same topic, but because of some changes in word placement, are two very different frames of mind regarding God's command to Christians to spread the Good News of Christ's death and resurrection (the Great Commission):

"I am willing to go, but planning to stay."

"I am planning to go, but willing to stay."

Do you see the difference? Is it just me, or does this not get your head spinning?

And what's more, God has really had me wrestling with the thought of those who will be eternally separated from Him and will have never heard. And funny enough, Dr. Murray actually told a story about someone he had led to Christ who had that very same struggle.

I just don't think it's coincidence.

What that means for my life and Ben's, I'm not sure, because ultimately I must follow my husbands lead. But what I do know is I can pray fervently that God will show Ben where He wants us to be, where He can use us best, how we can always be active in helping spread the good news. And that Ben will be sensitive to the guiding of the Holy Spirit. What I find crazy in all this is Ben has always had but has found even more pressing lately a heart for the unreached.

God is stirring the waters over here. In a good, uncomfortable kind of way.

I don't ever want to be the first statement. Ever.

(Though I'm done hashing out my thoughts, I want to leave this remark: I don't know who does and doesn't read my blog. I know at this time it doesn't seem to reach many people, but I also don't know what everyone who reads believes. If you don't know who Jesus is or you want to know more about him, please feel free to comment (make sure you are NOT a NO REPLY BLOGGER. Here is a good tutorial by Pink Heels Pink Truck. You have to scroll down to #3, but it is succinct :) ) or e-mail me at 


I'd be more than happy to converse with you via internet about it!)

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