I'm a tad behind, so you may find me posting a few of these this week...if I find the time amidst packing and other normal life happening around these parts. I wasn't even aware how behind I was due to life being so crazy over here. I feel like it's just flying right by and I can't stop it if I want to, which part of me does considering it means I have less and less time to prepare for the newborn who will be welcomed into our home in no time flat.
Anyway, the point of this particular chapter was repentance.
Let me start by putting the definition out there, because I think we lightly throw this word around, missing the true depth of what we're saying, myself included many times.
re•pent•ance
/ri-'pen-tᵊn(t)s/
- the action of repenting; sincere regret or remorse.
What gets me in the definition is the word sincere. Why? Well, let's look at it's definition:
sin•cere
/sin-'sir-, sən-/
sin•cere
/sin-'sir-, sən-/
- having or showing true feelings
- genuine or real: not false, fake, or pretended
So you can't feign repentance. You can say the words "I'm sorry" and not truly mean it, not truly care whether your behavior changes at all. But when it comes to repentance, for it to be classified as such, it must be sincere, which means there is no room for it to be feigned in any form or fashion.
Why did this strike a chord with me?
Because as much as I would love to say I only need to pray this for my husband in this area (Don't read too much into that last part, I'll get to him in a minute.), I desperately need the reminder apart from the Lord and His working in my life, there are many times I have no desire to change at. all. Is anyone with me? I'm willing to bet many of you have felt, are in the middle of, or will feel (It's likely all three are true.) this way at some point.
I lash out in anger with no remorse, no regret for how it affected the other person, because in the moment it felt good to uphold my pride a little longer. I choose to waste time doing something with no lasting importance over spending time in the word, when my heart has specfically been pressed to do so, with no desire to repent because it means giving up my worldly comfort for something that I know will challenge me in areas I may not want to face. I sit on moving forward with a decision I have specifically felt led by the Spirit to move forward with because I know it will stretch me far beyond my limits with no regret or desire to change because I know it will mean giving up something else I enjoy, even if it was something God had originally told me to do.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
Stormie's words of how praying for your spouse will really open doors of praying for yourself keep coming back to me (read the post for week 2 of this series) and (these are going to be my words now) I'm reminded how each of us should worry more about the log in our own eye before we start worrying about the speck in someone else's (reference to Matthew 7:5; I recommend reading 7:1-5 to get the big picture). And boy am I thankful for this reminder.
So when it comes to praying my spouse will be repentant, it's going to lead me to check my own heart first. It's going to help remind me that even if there is a situation where he hasn't truly repented yet, I myself have been found in the same place, could possibly be in the same place, giving me a compassion and grace only from God which might not have been there before. It's going to remind me as much as my husband may try to truly love me well or may be blind to a sin he is stuck in, my strength needs to come solely from depending on God alone and not finding his faults and begin picking at the wounds those faults have inflicted on him. And so this leads way to laying my pride down at the foot of the cross. (Which is why I said not to read into my statement about wishing I only had to pray for repentance in Ben; the statement was about my pride, not an "Oh! And you better believe I have to pray for his repentance!)
Maybe I'm rabbit trailing all over the place. My mind is a bit like that these days with the move close at hand, the pregnancy taking anything I have to offer, a toddler who is in full swing of making sure I'm learning the parenting ropes with her (No, that is not a jab at her. It's just a statement of how much she is currently testing limits set to see if I really mean them, a very normal phase of childhood and always present task of parenting.), and lots of life going on around all of those wonderful, yet taxing, situations.
Anyway, what I've "written" makes sense to me and has helped me process this chapter of praying for repentance in my spouse. What I've gained most is realizing the sensitivity needed in this area, praying from a heart not hardened or embittered but truly asking for the best my husband can have, which is a lifestyle encompassed by a repentant heart.
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Here are the rest of my posts from this 30 week series I'm doing on praying for my husband:
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